I Can Be So Emo

Disclaimer: this post is completely not thought out or in any type of order but I felt the need to get these thoughts out of my head as they are currently flowing through my mind at 100mph.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the bad and bullshit that sometimes I don't take the time to really appreciate the good and what I have accomplished in my life so far. I love someone who at this time can't show me the way they want to because of other things going on. Some might say than it's just words but I have faith that it isn't, life happens and sometimes the timing is off, that doesn't change how you feel. Though actions do speak louder than words, they have time to show me when they can. So it would be easy to concentrate on the bad: we can't be together, we can't fall asleep together, we arent' sharing our life together, blah blah blah, but all in due time. For now I think about the good and how I have someone who does love me and maybe they wouldn't give up everything for me right now but who knows what the future holds?

I was completely head over heels for my ex and would have done almost anything for her, except the one thing she really wanted me to do and that was give up everyone and everything I knew to move to Seattle with her. That didn't mean I didn't love her, because i did but I wasn't willing to make her my everything which is what would have happened if I would have moved with her. She would have been all I had at that point and that's a very very scary feeling. Knowing that you rely on this one other person for everything in that moment in time until you get your own feel for the new way things are. But that requires starting all over and I just wasn't willing to leave everyone I knew and loved to be with just her. I use to wonder about what if I would have gone with her, what if I would have said ok, how would things had turned out? Maybe in some alternative universe I did go and right now we are perfectly happy. But I live in this reality and the reality is, I get the fact that you can love someone with all you can but still not be willing to let go of everything you know and there's a very good chance that day might never come. I also believe that you can kind of ease into a new life, a little at a time without just jumping in head first until you get to the point where it no longer feels new and feels natural.

There was so much more i wanted to write but I think I'll end it here for now because I need to get some sleep.