Stand for Something

I was going to write this long ass rant about how we need to find alternatives to oil that don't cause carbons to continue to pollute the Earth furthering the global warming epidemic. I was but then I realized that far more talented and knowledgable people than I am have tackled the topic, seriously, google it, there's a lot of info out there. Then I was like, ok I'll get on my high horse about why people need to vote, even in Midterm elections, especially these current midterm elections. But I realized that again far more knowledgable people have blogged that to death as well. It's just, I'm more than relationship issues and work. My blog has become this huge dumping ground for all my girl issues and I'm not sure that makes for interesting reading. I have a wide variety of interests, like Roman History, I am so in love with Roman History, like not just the major stuff but the little every day to day things that your typical Roman went through. If there was ever a time in history to live it would have been during the hayday of the Romans. If you were a citizen there was no better place to be. They had huge parties that turned inot orgies, homosexuality was just a given, bathing was encouraged and just about every base whim, want or desire was catered to and encouraged.

I was thinking about how incredibly stupid it is that I can't marry a woman if I wanted to, why not? Why when the debate comes up someone always has to bring up marrying animals?? How is that a logical jump? Well if we let Betty and Wilma get married we're gonna have to let Fred and Dino the Dinodog get married?? HUH??? How fucked up must a mind be to equate marrying someone of the same species and gender with marrying outside of the species? Thats like 3 year old logic, actually,I know 3 year olds that more logical than that.

There's just too many issues these days and I feel like I should be doing more to make the world a better place, or at least livable still long after I'm gone.

Stokley, DJ Superstar

BMP Mag is having a contest to find a hot new DJ. I've been working on my submission for a week now, I think I have it down pretty tight, at least I hope I do. It has to be 30 mins long, give or take a minute or two. I'll post it here when I'm happy with it. The grand prize is a trip to LA to spin at some of the hottest clubs and a the cover of BPM. I'm not a covergirl, but they can do amazing stuff with lighting. I know I'm good, so now it's time to let everyone outside of my area know it as well.

One Simple Truth

I can't do perfect. I can't pretend to be perfect, I can't be with someone who is perfect. I need someone with flaws to compliment my many flaws. Perfect scares me because no one is perfect but there are a few people in this world who seem to be. I like things to be a little messy and complicated. I must because if it's too easy I make it harder than it has to be.

I've been kinda of caught between two women lately. But not really because only one has my heart and the other shows me the attention I need. They couldn't be more completely different from each other than day and night.

Lucky says everything I want to hear and actually pays attention to me. But The Woman, when she's here, she's really here, it's just that lately it has been harder and harder to picture that future with her because she already has a future with someone else so really I shouldn't be confused right? But I am. I know she loves me but sometimes I wish it wasn't just words anymore. Lucky shows me she cares, we've never said we loved each other because I don't love her. We connect on this great level but it's like hanging out with a great friend, not someone I want to spend my life with. My friends adore Lucky and I can't even mention The Woman to them because she gets upset. They are all telling me I'm the biggest ass for not being with Lucky but you can't force feelings that aren't there. She asked me last night if The Woman wasn't in the picture if they would be there and I can't answer that because I want The Woman in my life. When I had The Woman's attention I felt like everything was right in the world and that nothing couldn't be handled. I thought, naively, that we were strong enough to overcome anything that life would throw at us. It was like everything clicked into place, like this missing piece I didn't know was missing had been filled in with her. I liked it, I thrived on it, I wanted to be better and do better for her. I wanted her to feel appreciated, loved, needed and wanted. And then nothing. She just shut me out and pushed me away. She already had a future planned before me and I wasn't enough for her to deviate from that future. It's like a physical ache and thats so weird, I'm not the type to get all hung up on a girl who has shown me time and time again I'm not the one she wants. Then there's those times when she does tell me she loves me and for that moment all is right but those moments are few and far between lately, it's heartbreaking. I back off and try not to push because this is something she has to figure out but I wish she would at least let me in as a friend, so I don't feel like I have done something wrong constantly.

With Lucky it's completely different. She never pushes me away and calls me out when she sees me pushing her away. We can talk for hours and laugh for hours more. But I can't get that feeling I get when I think about The Woman. Lucky is perfect and that freaks me out. She has her shit together,knows exactly what she wants and does what she needs to do to get it. She's finishign her PhD and interning at a rehab hospital, yet still finds time to hang out with me, 2 hours away. She does these little things just to make me feel special. Just to let me know that even though she's crazy busy, she's taking a few minutes out of her hectic life to think about me and let me know. She's doing everything I wish The Woman would do. It's not fair to her that I'm wishing these things were said or done by someone else. Lucky sees something in me I don't see. I have a pretty high opinion of myself but I also know that her and I are completely in different worlds. She's like a fine wine and I'm like a Miller Lite. The Woman and I do have a lot more in common, and I feel more myself around The Woman.

It's like the people that you want, don't want you and the people that you don't want do want you and when you finally want the people that you didn't want they don't want you anymore. But I'm just stuck, I can't move on because I refuse to because I refuse to give up on The Woman but at some point something has to happen, right?

Should Old Friends Be Forgotten

You know that little voice in your head that tells you that maybe you shouldn't be doing something? Not the kind that tells you to slash the tires of that guy who just stole your girl, that's a different voice. Hmm but I swear I don't have like a lot of voices in my head, just the two, the one that tells me maybe what I'm doing isn't the brightest idea I've had all week and the other one that tells me to ignore the first one because it never wants to have any fun. I find I tend to listen to the wrong one consistently. I have made an art out of ignoring that little voice. As I get older though I find I'm listening to it more than I use to but still not at the times it really matters.

In the last year and few months I have lost to people very close to me. First my cousin, B and then less than a year after my world turned inside out with the loss of B, his best friend and a guy who was like a big brother to me, A, died. The three of us had created our own little family years ago, me and my boys. We were like brothers and sister. Those two looked out for me as much as I looked out for them. They were both so alike but yet so different. They had their own way of going about things, I have started calling the little voice that tells me not to do something incredibly dumb, B and the one that tells me to just do it anyways because it will be fun A. If you knew them, you would realize how fitting this truly is. But I digress, I was blogging about ignoring that little voice B and the consequences of doing so.

Tonight after work I was dead tired, I just wanted to go home and relax for once because I have the next two days off. Needing a few things I decided to make a quick run to Target, because in the new found spirit of redoing my house and cleaning it out, I'm finding I need to buy a few thing in which to fill it, ironic isn't it? I have justified these purchases to myself by saying I am getting rid of all the worn out and old things. I decided I needed, not wanted, but needed new bathroom rugs. Off to Target I went. While browsing through the kitchenware's (I apparently need new cookie sheets and Corningware pans as well) I ran into an old friend, Dixie, I haven't seen in a couple years. I'm calling her Dixie because it makes me laugh because she acts like she grew up on some grand southern plantation, complete with slight accent, when in reality she grew up in Northern Illinois. (OK, full disclosure, she's an ex). It's always odd to run into someone who once shared so much with you, that you knew each other like the back of your hand only to find a few years later you're complete strangers. We got to chatting, at first is was a weird hey, hi, how have you been kind of conversation. It was a little sad to think that this person who you once cared so much about has become just back story to your life, the feelings have faded and they cease to cause that intense feeling of excitement you use to get when you use to see them daily. Our break up was less than nice, she dumped me for a cop she had met one night while we were out at the gay bar. Like on the spot dumped me. We didn't talk for a few months after that but being the good lesbian I am we became friends about a year later but had lost touch a few years ago. She had fallen victim to the coupledom syndrome, lesbians are especially prone to this disease, though the gay boys seem almost immune to it. ( For those not in the know, coupledom syndrome is when your friend finally gets a girlfriend/boyfriend/ high speed internet service and disappears off the face of the Earth only resurfacing for extremely important events like gay pride. If the significant other isn't glued to them when they do make that rare appearance, they will constantly talk about them. In severe cases they stop talking about themselves in the singular and everything becomes us and we. Near fatal cases involve matching outfits.)

Long story short, Dixie and the cop chick had been together for almost 5 years, then the cop chick dumped her about 6 months ago. She invited me out to this little dive bar. The little voice in my head was saying it was bad, bad idea. I ignored it and found myself saying, sure. 30 minutes later we were at this little corner bar, drinking Rolling Rocks and playing pool. She started on what would be a 2 hour tirade about every little slight and slander her ex caused her, real and imagined. I listened and felt my eyes glazing over. If it had been interesting I would have been much more interested but her shopping list of wrongs included such things as buying yellow roses instead of red on her birthday, leaving her clothes in the dryer, not walking the dog enough, just a bunch of little mundane so what kind of things. To Dixie they weren't little things but about halfway through her tirade I remembered why I had lost touch with her. She's pretty high maintenance and a bit, um, demanding. Not in the good kind of demanding that can be hot sometimes but the whiny, it's all about me, I'm a princess and you better treat me as such kind.

Now, remember I live in the Midwest and we were not at a gay bar, but at some dingy neighborhood bar, crowded with regulars, mostly old guys, guys on their way to being old guys and skanky barfly women. Most of whom had been listening to Dixie's rant on her girlfriend to the point where even the old guy who's butt print was permanently worn into the stool at the end of the bar and hadn't been sober since the 80's got the hint that we were gay. Not that I'm not obvious anyways. After a couple beers and a few games of pool this old guy comes up to us and starts chatting us up. He offers to buy us a shot if we kiss. I try to laugh it off but Dixie grabs me and lays one on me. I had forgotten that she was quite the drinker and would do almost anything for free drinks and attention. A few guys laugh, the old guy buys us a shot and that should have been the end of it. Dixie is talking to the old guy and a couple if his friends. I guess one of the bar skanks had claimed him because she pipes up with how disgusting we are. Dixie is not having it. I guess I also forgot to mention that Dixie has quite the temper on her when she drinks. I had forgotten that little point as well, but not the little voice in my head. B had tried to warn me.

Dixie yells at her, "No you're disgusting." Such a clever reply. Bar Skank then says something about Dixie not being able to get a man and then Dixie goes over by Bar Skank and starts yelling and Bar Skank is yelling and the bartender is yelling and chaos is ensuing, and I'm just drinking my beer. All the memories of spending many such nights with Dixie come flooding back. Ah, yes, this is why it was a bad idea to go out drinking with Dixie. She's highly irritable when she's been drinking. After about 5 minutes of yelling 3rd grade insults back and forth at each other, the bartender has decided we are troublemakers and kicks us out. I try to pull Dixie towards the door but this little fireball isn't finished yet, as a parting shot she pushes Bar Skank into the bar. Nice one. I can tell we are about to be physically removed if we don't leave, so I start pulling at Dixie with a bit more urgency, well that turned out to be the wrong thing to do, she turns around and punches me right in the chest. Ouch. I yell at her, you just punched me, you ass! Yeah, call me Captain Obvious. Now the bartender is saying she's calling the cops. Punching me must have shocked a bit of sense into Dixie because she starts apologizing to me. I'm just wanting to get the hell out of there and as far away from this psycho as possible. I tell her, it's ok, no worries, lets just get the hell out of there. I finally got her out of the bar and because I'm a glutton for punishment offered to give her a ride home as she is way to drunk to drive. She's still telling me how sorry she is. It took a few minutes but I finally convinced her to let me drive her home. Thankfully nothing happened on the way home, just her saying over and over how sorry she was. I dropped her off and breathed a sigh of relief that I was finally rid of her.

Now I am safely at home, admiring my new bathroom rugs and the bruise I'm going to have to match them in the morning. I really need to listen to that little voice more often.

Tick Tick Tick

For a couple years I have been really thinking I wanted a baby, but then I'm like, I can barely handle the two cats I have. The feel has come and gone. I'm quite logical about it, knowing that being a female I'm biologically wired to have the urge to procreate. Regardless of my sexuality, my choice of guys clothes over girls clothes, the fact I feel more comfortable playing video games than shopping (unless it's for a new gadget or electronic) despite all that I'm still cursed with really girlie feelings when it comes to babies. I'm the proudest aunt you'll find, I carry multiple pics of my sisters kids around in my duct tape wallet. I brag about every new little thing my newest niece does, from her first steps a couple weeks ago to her first birthday party next month. Sometimes when I'm babysitting her I wonder about what it would be like to have my own little one, it seems kinda cool. Then she starts crying or has a really rank diaper and I'm so glad I can give her back to my sleep deprieved sister and go about my merry way. I'm sure it would be different if it was my own child but the thing is I don't want to be pregnant. Just the thought freaks me out. It would just be so much easier if I could buy a baby on Ebay. Wouldn't that be cool?

I know some people out there are gonna think this is a horrble idea, that babies shouldn't be sold and all that. Some would argue that there is too much of a chance for women to be used as baby mills, like puppy mills but really aren't sperm banks, egg donation and the like just legal forms of babies mills? To be sure there are many flaws to my plan but I don't think I'm really serious, much. Or maybe instead of just sending less than it costs for a cup of coffee a day to "adopt" some 3rd world child who is forced to work at the age of 6 in brutal conditions, you could really adopt that child directly and they show up on your doorstep like a mail order bride. Russia is big on the mail order brides and also "overseas adoptions" which I guess, come to think of it, is like a mail order baby, except you need to go there to pick the little tyke up to show you're really serious. Oh and grease a lot of political Russian palms.

But really, I have no clue what I'm talking about. I've been thinking about getting a dog for a coupel months. I've been doing research on the perfect type to fit my life style, if I should get a puppy or an older one, which rescue or pound to get it from. I have to be sure i get the right one because it's theoretically gonna be around for at least 10 years. Babies grow up to become kids that become teenagers that become overgrown children who stick around for at least 20 years these days. And what would I do with a baby while I'm at work? I think it's frowned upon leaving them in a crate all day until they're potty trained, or can at least change their own diaper. So unless I get with a really amazing woman who is willing to pop out a baby for us to love and care for together or better yet already has one housebroken, I'm pretty sure I'm doomed to a life of cats. Damn this biological clock telling me different.

Dreams

Peacefully asleep is where i should be right now, but alas that is not to be. I was fitfully dleeping aobut an hour ago but I was jolted out of my restless slumber by the weirdest dream. I was walking down this stone road, Lucky was walking on the right side of me and The Woman (who is sadly not my woman)was walking on my left side. They were talking to each other about me, like I wasn't there. The Woman was telling Lucky how she had me whipped and Lucky was telling her not to be so sure. Then The Woman told Lucky that I would never love her like I love her and Lucky said, "Every love is different" I tried to get their attention, first protesting to be whipped but they ignored me completely. The Woman then told Lucky "You will never be able to give her what she already had with me." Lucky then said that was a good thing. They gave each other the fakest smile.

The sky was grey and overcast. I could smell that earthwormy smell it gets sometimes after it rains for the first time in a long time and all the earthworms come up out of the ground. There were some trees along the road we were walking that had lost all their leaves. Lucky was telling The Woman that she really hurt me by shutting me out. I tried to say no, I wasn't hurt, I kind of understood but again I went unnoticed. The Woman replied that she never asked me to care and it would be easier if I didn't, that she was shutting me out for a reason but I refused to take the hint. Lucky then said I was a good chess player and that the Greeks had it right. (Ok I have no idea it was really random). The Woman went on to say she had moved on and it was really tiring that I hadn't. At this point I don't know if Lucky was talking pure nonsense or being overtly cryptic but she replied, "Once the bubble bursts there is no way to have the same bubble ever again." The Woman then looked right at me but like she was looking through me and told Lucky she didn't want me and never would. Then Lucky looked right at me and said "We're here"

We had stopped at the edge of a small pond. They both then looked at me, but didn't say anything to me. Lucky gave me a sad little smile and then sqeezed my hand. The Woman kissed me and then pushed me into the pond. I woke up as I felt the coldness of the water hit me.

I know they had said some other stuff to each other but I couldn't remember exactly what all it was but it felt like they were arguing but in the way that people do with out being obvious about it. Like when two people who really don't like each other try to be civil but you can still feel it. Blah I need some head space that isn't filled with woman, or woman problems.

Ani Really Does Have a Song for Everything

unrequited

she had all kind of reasons
why she was unable to love her
she was just too young
she was too high strung
she was afraid of commitment
but all of the theories
that she recited
played like the song
of the unrequited

baby, how long's it been now
since you held me to your chest
and told me that you love me
more than all the rest
it's such a shame that you won't talk to me
cuz i won't repeat after you
i believe that there is more to life
we coulda loved each other through
but i was afraid of commitment
when it came to you

i'll tell you, if there is one instinct
i just can't get with at all
it's the urge to kill something beautiful
just to hang it on your wall
are you just too young
are you too high strung
to actually follow through
on all the love you said you had
baby i never lied to you

is all or nothing
the best we can do?

It's Here!!!!

Today I got a present from the FedEx guy! My new Alienware computer has finally arrived. I won it fromt his contest I entered froma game I bought. I havent' set it up yet because I'm cleaning out the back bedroom and turning it into my playroom. I'm gonna put my turntables in there, my new computer, the guitar, the PS2 and get a new futon to put in there as well. I'm crazy excited as I just bought a new office chair tonight and pick up the new desk on Saturday. I am done with roommates. I am taking over the space and cleanng out the house. So far I've taken 4 garbage bags full of crap out and have boxed up tons more for the garage sale my family has every summer. I can't handle all the clutter anymore. I want a nice, clean, uncluttered house. So I will have that.

Friday I have the day off and all I am going to do is clean, clean, clean. No computer, no video games, nothing until I have the house clean and cleaned out. I just get so overwhelmed when I think about everything so I'm just going to break it into little bits at a time, start from the livingroom and work my way back. I think I might even pick up a couple more bookcase because I have books overflowing everywhere. I'm actually kind of excited about this, weird.

When Bad Shapes Happen to Good Cereal

It's a little after 3am, as per usual, I can't sleep. I decided to have a bowl of cereal. Standing there, staring at all the various boxes I have in my cupboard to choose from it dawned on me what was wrong with the world today. They completely fucked up our cereal. Seriously. And not for the better. Rememeber when Count Chocula had little marshmellows that looked like little marshmellows? They would melt a little in the milk. Not so with today's Chocolatety marshmellows, those things are bat shaped and other assorted blobby shapes and they do not melt even a little in your milk, you have to chew on those fuckers now, have I mentioned they have the consistancy of styrofoam? It's like chewing on a styrofoam cup, yuck.

Lucky Charms has added so many new marshmellows it barely has any room for the one thing that thinly disguised it as having any nutritional value, the little oat parts. I remember a time when I would have more oat bits than marshmellows, not so anymore. Now I find myself searching for those once scorned pieces to take the sugar edge off so I don't go into a diabetic coma after a couple spoon fulls of the styrofoam marshmellows.

Also, what's with the neon pink pebbles glowing like radioactive sugar from my bowl of fruity pebbles? Just leave my Fruity Pebbles alone, thankyouverymuch. I don't have too many joys left over form my childhood, that is one of them and I swear if they fuck them up I'm gonna have to write a very stern letter to the editor or something. It's bad enough they stopped added prizes to the boxes now a days.

Those prizes established a pecking order in every American childs household. It allowed you to observe at a very early age the different ways people handled conflict and perfect your own style. Those toys helped build character, unless you were an only child, then you were just spoiled and would never learn the survival skills needed to survive on the playground and beyond anyways. Which doesn't matter because I'm sure mommy and daddy gave you everything anyways and still do. But if you had siblings, especially ones close in age to you, then it was a true glimpse at the ways of the world. Just about every tactic was employed and if you were good at it, you walked away with the glow in the dark spoon, if you weren't then you got stuck with the pog.

In my house my oldest sister, Ame, got by for many a year on the fact she was the oldest and could therefor beat the crap out of the rest of us. That lasted until I discovered the power of crying and whining until my mom would just say, "Just give it to her, you're too old for that anyways." Which was the truth, Ame is 6 years older than me. There was only a couple years of fighting over the coveted toy until she out grew the joy of playing with little monsters that fit on your fingertip. I so loved my little Frankenberry finger puppet. The most vicious and peace shattering cereal box fights happened between me and my next oldest sister, Jess, who is only a year and a half older than me. Many battles were played out at the breakfast table between us with my oldest sister usually the only one around to break them up because our parents were already at work. Rice Krispies was giving out little Snap, Crackle and Pop figures once, I had a Snap and 3 Pops, but my life was incomplete because I still needed Crackle.

Everytime I went to the grocery store with my mom I would have to feel every box of Rice Krispies until I was convinced the one I held in my little hands was the box containing Crackle nestled in with the puffed rice. Turns out I had a knack for picking the boxes with Pop in them, between my sister and myself we had a little army of Pops. One morning I was a little late waking up but I wasn't too concerned because I knew we still has almost half a box of Rice Krispies to go through until we could open the new one. Jess, in one of the only brilliant thoughts she has had in her entire life, got up early and with a little help from Ame, had finsihed off the rest of the box and had opened the new one. I walked into the kitchen to her smirking at me with the Holy Grail of cereal toys sitting next to her bowl. THAT BITCH!!! SHE HAD MY CRACKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only did she have my Crackle, she was gloating over it. That just wouldn't do. I was the one who picked out the box, I was the one who played by the rules, I was the one who was out smarted by the girl who thought Snausages were beef jerky for people and ate them. First, I tried to reason with her, I tried to trade her 2 Pops and a couple Garbage Pail Kids for it, of course she said no. Then I tried blackmail, but being only 6 I wasn't very good at it. I threatened to tell my mom that she ate all the cereal and she just said, so what. Feeling very ripped off at the injustice of it all, I tried to just take it, that didn't work, at that time she could still beat my ass, though it was a close fight. So I fell back on old reliable, I threw a fit, complete with full on crying and whining. It being a Sunday morning, Mom and Dad were home. The noise woke Dad up who was unsympathetic to my plight and told me to go to my room. I think he was hung over, of course i didn't know it at the time but looking back on it, Mom and him would go out on Saturday nights and not get home until long after we were in bed.

So I sat in my room, pouting and plotting revenge on Jess for stealing the toy that should have been mine. After what seemed like hours but was probably only 10 minutes I peeked my head out my door to see if Dad had gone back to bed. Jess was sititng in the hall, playing with her complete set of Snap, CRACKLE and Pop. She looked up, smirking at me, telling me I better get back into my room before she told Dad I was out. I didn't get my Crackle that day. For weeks Jess would carry it around just to piss me off. The next box of Rice Krispies we got after that one I got in trouble from my mom for pouring all the cereal in a big pan to get to the prize, it was another Pop.

Right about that time those plastic charm bracelets were getting popular and I just happened to get a little platic charm in the shape of a Milkshake that Jess really wanted so she finally trade me Crackle for it. As I was reveling in the joy of having a complete set, Jess handed me Crackle, saying, "I never wanted it anyways, only dweebs play wiht those now." Gotta love siblings. But see if it hadn't been for those toys I would have never learned the art of bartering, blackmail, throwing an effective fit, patience, fighting and countless other skills needed to survive in the adult world. I'm sure some I would have learned but I don't think I would have been as good as I am if I hadn't gotten such a young start at honing my skills.

Oh, and another thing, you would think while they are changing shapes, adding more marshmellows and such they would have at least gotten around to changing Capt'n Crunch's shape so it didn't cut the roof of your mouth like razor wire, but yet they haven't. Go figure.

$2.00 Bottle of Water

It was a flimsy excuse, I know. I had the day off and Token had mentioned he needed a ride to meet up with a friend of his at this pool hall. A pool hall that just happened to be really close to where someone is living right now. Someone who claims to love me but never talks to me, ever anymore. Someone who I know is capable of being the person she was when we first started talking but for reasons unknown to me I have been completely shut out. The last time i heard from her directly she left me a message telling me happy birthday and that she loved me. Then, nothingness. It feels like an unfinished sentence or like the cable cut out in the middle of a really good movie. Just the way it's hanging there with nothing being said makes it hard to just face the facts. 1. She hasn't called me. 2. I called and left her a couple messages over the last few weeks. 3. She makes NO effort to actually talk to em, let alone see me. So why do I still have feelings for her? I've blown off people I couldn't stand nicer than this is feeling. It's like I'm waiting, I don't want to move on in case things change and she realizes she can't or doesn't want to live without me. It's all very strange, I've never allowed myself to be in this position before and I really hate it.

So what am I waiting and why am I waiting? I know she's gonna say, I never asked you to wait or don't wait but the thing is I would feel like I missed out on something really important in my life if I was to just give up. So I don't know what to do.

I took Token to the pool hall and considered just stopping by her house but I figured that would be awkward and weird so I just stopped at the gas station and bought a $2.00 bottle of water because that makes about as much sense as anything else I'm doing lately.

My Life, a Rock Opera