I can't do perfect. I can't pretend to be perfect, I can't be with someone who is perfect. I need someone with flaws to compliment my many flaws. Perfect scares me because no one is perfect but there are a few people in this world who seem to be. I like things to be a little messy and complicated. I must because if it's too easy I make it harder than it has to be.
I've been kinda of caught between two women lately. But not really because only one has my heart and the other shows me the attention I need. They couldn't be more completely different from each other than day and night.
Lucky says everything I want to hear and actually pays attention to me. But The Woman, when she's here, she's really here, it's just that lately it has been harder and harder to picture that future with her because she already has a future with someone else so really I shouldn't be confused right? But I am. I know she loves me but sometimes I wish it wasn't just words anymore. Lucky shows me she cares, we've never said we loved each other because I don't love her. We connect on this great level but it's like hanging out with a great friend, not someone I want to spend my life with. My friends adore Lucky and I can't even mention The Woman to them because she gets upset. They are all telling me I'm the biggest ass for not being with Lucky but you can't force feelings that aren't there. She asked me last night if The Woman wasn't in the picture if they would be there and I can't answer that because I want The Woman in my life. When I had The Woman's attention I felt like everything was right in the world and that nothing couldn't be handled. I thought, naively, that we were strong enough to overcome anything that life would throw at us. It was like everything clicked into place, like this missing piece I didn't know was missing had been filled in with her. I liked it, I thrived on it, I wanted to be better and do better for her. I wanted her to feel appreciated, loved, needed and wanted. And then nothing. She just shut me out and pushed me away. She already had a future planned before me and I wasn't enough for her to deviate from that future. It's like a physical ache and thats so weird, I'm not the type to get all hung up on a girl who has shown me time and time again I'm not the one she wants. Then there's those times when she does tell me she loves me and for that moment all is right but those moments are few and far between lately, it's heartbreaking. I back off and try not to push because this is something she has to figure out but I wish she would at least let me in as a friend, so I don't feel like I have done something wrong constantly.
With Lucky it's completely different. She never pushes me away and calls me out when she sees me pushing her away. We can talk for hours and laugh for hours more. But I can't get that feeling I get when I think about The Woman. Lucky is perfect and that freaks me out. She has her shit together,knows exactly what she wants and does what she needs to do to get it. She's finishign her PhD and interning at a rehab hospital, yet still finds time to hang out with me, 2 hours away. She does these little things just to make me feel special. Just to let me know that even though she's crazy busy, she's taking a few minutes out of her hectic life to think about me and let me know. She's doing everything I wish The Woman would do. It's not fair to her that I'm wishing these things were said or done by someone else. Lucky sees something in me I don't see. I have a pretty high opinion of myself but I also know that her and I are completely in different worlds. She's like a fine wine and I'm like a Miller Lite. The Woman and I do have a lot more in common, and I feel more myself around The Woman.
It's like the people that you want, don't want you and the people that you don't want do want you and when you finally want the people that you didn't want they don't want you anymore. But I'm just stuck, I can't move on because I refuse to because I refuse to give up on The Woman but at some point something has to happen, right?
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3 comments:
We were going to hang out but you went to the bar, and then had to work and I DIDNT hear from you tonight. I've said I will completely back away because maybe this one is the one that will complete you?
I havent ever really told you this, but i'm slightly psychic. Right after i had Lil. I asked that I have a psychic dream to show me the future and every possibilty for myself... and then I had it, and every day since then i've regretted it and every day since then it's continued to get stronger and stronger. But, going back to the dream.. that night i dreamt that my baby died, but instead of her it was a bird.. then i had a dream that I was at a wedding, and I hated it SO mch. There was this level of hate that was unbelievable to me and I never figured it out. In case youre confused it was a flashing deream and it flashed me about 8238490234 scenes that Iwill be exdperiencing in my life. Okay so next it showed me that I was living in a green house, in the ghetto, walking around barefoot. After that it went crazy and showed a couple of things.. First one was me screaing up and down the street hyolding a car seat screaming at the man because he took my child away from me and next was him loading all of my things into a trailer and thirdly it was me and 3 other chicks drinking coffee at starbucks. No faces, just bodies and clothing.
So, after that it started to show me holding my childs hand with someone else holoding her other hand running into a church, the sky was an ominous color of pink and orange and their were airplans flying above, relatively low, shooting and bombing. We were running as fast as we could but i'm not quite sure we ever made it into the church. Then, Iwoke up.
Ever since then, I've been able to predict many of things, including anytime D is thinkigna bout me, going to call or show up. I can predict the cards on Sorry and the reactions and situations that occurr througout any given day. My tarot card reading abilities have gone to a whole other level. the only thing I'm not sure of is us. I dont see anything. its almost as if the universe is purposefully keeping it a secret. I think because it knows that I love mysteries and wont let it go.
Youre officially pulling away from me now, and I am going to let it happen. Nature is taking its course and that is that.
So stop me, if you love me like you say than SHOW me, don't let me pull away. At the end of the day all anyone really wants is to know they matter to someone who matters to them, that they are worth fighting for. So am I? Show me it's not all just words.
Actions always speak louder than words. Since we met there has been something between us that you deny the moment she talks to you. I won't be your fall back. Sort your shit out.
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