School Daze

Here I go, after months of talking, debating, procrastinating, I start classes this Wednesday. It's funny how it all came about. As much as I talked about it, I never really did more than entertain the idea, then a friend of mine who's an admissions adviser at Kaplan called me. We talked and within a week I was enrolled, financed and a college student. People knock online schools but the truth of the matter is that they are the wave of the future. I'm getting my Bachelors of Science in Information Systems for networking with a minor in marketing, which is going to give me the needed skills and paper for the position I have been wanting since I started at my company. I want to be the person who looks at emerging trends in telecommunications and implements them for our customers. Or to put it another way, I want to pick out the phones we put into testing.

I have four long years ahead of my but as Lucky and I discussed this past weekend, it's gonna be so worth it when it's over. The job I want is in Madison so that ties in nicely with our 5 year plan. We spent a lot of the weekend cleaning out the house and I have a fresh start, it feels great. Things are finally falling into place, so much so that I'm almost afraid to post this because I don't want to jinx it.

The Dawn of Something

A couple weeks ago my company sent me to a training on how to use a planner. I even got a really nice Franklin Covey day planner out of it. I used it to schedule no more than 65% of my day (like the training taught me) and every night I would write out my goals for the next day, my appointments, my to do list. Funny thing, it didn't work because I never actually looked at it during the day. That kind of sums me up perfectly, just because I have the tools doesn't mean I'm gonna actually use them. Just having a number in my phone doesn't mean I'm gonna call it. Meaning, I'm pretty bad at follow through, which is nothing new but I realize that I have been living in this self denial about the depth of my shortcomings. Luckily I have people all to ready to point them out to me.

Basically I've been trying to follow through better, starting with the little day planner I have and this goal setting thing I have to do once a month for work. My company is very big on personal improvement and employee training. I'm really lucky to be working for a company that spends money on employees to learn how to use a day planner in this day and age of downsizing and budget cuts. If they are willing to put the money into me the least I can do is follow through on it.

I've taken a step back from a lot of people and things to concentrate on myself. I can't look for happiness outside of myself anymore because thats not true happiness I'm finding. It's only the temporary, dull the boredom kind. Only until I can learn to be comfortable being myself and with myself will I be able to be a good friend to others. I just need to take a step back and re evaluate my priorities. It's time to stop talking about it and just actually do it.

Back with something to say

Sometimes I have moments to real to blog about because to blog about them makes them too real. If that makes any sense. I'm single by choice, I only say that because it's not like I'm single because no one loves me, I get it. I get the fact I push away the ones that get to close no matter how much I say I don't. I get the fact that for some reason the most amazing person wants to be amazing with me and I don't because I got burned recently. I'm happy for the most part, I have my moments when I'm all poor me and I'm so lonely but the thing is I'm only alone because I've have choose this. I'm refusing to settle or what feels like settling to me. The Woman completed me on a level but ultimately let me down by not understanding me and the things going on in my life. I out her first only to have her go on an on about guys, that hurt and when I gave it my all I was hurt and then when I didn't give it my all anymore I was rejected. Everyone wants to feel like they matter, like they are worth fighting for. I gave my all, I was willing and did fight for her only to be told I was being too much, so I backed off only to hear about these other guys she had a connection with, all these people that were not me.
Then I have a family crisis and I'm tossed out like garbage, like I never brought her food when she needed it or never her shit whens he was sick or never bought her phone cards so she could text everyone but me. I feel like I never mattered and I gave her everything to feel like she mattered until she pushed me away and then it was her turn but she didn't get that or feel like she had to let me know I mattered. Whats a girl to do?

I tried to tell Lucky she was just a friend. I ignored the chemistry because even though I knew there was something there it didn't feel as real as what I felt with The Woman. The weekend we spent together changed my mind but I gave excuses saying I was just trying to feel like I mattered to someone because The woman made me feel like I didn't matter at all. I finally had to drop the excuses and face the truth, I don't trust woman easily. It was easier to want to be with someone who blew me off then to be with someone who only wanted to see me happy. Why? Because I was use to being second best in someone's life because I had convinced myself that I could never make anyone happy or that happiness was only temporary. It was easier to deal with something that was doomed from the beginning then to deal with something that could actually be good. I'm not use to good, but doomed is familiar territory. Truth be told I could have fallen in love with Lucky and that scared the shit out of me because I wasn't used to be being with someone who had their shit together. Someone who didn't need me for anything, I felt useless with her. Funny considering I ended up feeling worthless and useless with the woman. Funny how life is like that.