Back with something to say

Sometimes I have moments to real to blog about because to blog about them makes them too real. If that makes any sense. I'm single by choice, I only say that because it's not like I'm single because no one loves me, I get it. I get the fact I push away the ones that get to close no matter how much I say I don't. I get the fact that for some reason the most amazing person wants to be amazing with me and I don't because I got burned recently. I'm happy for the most part, I have my moments when I'm all poor me and I'm so lonely but the thing is I'm only alone because I've have choose this. I'm refusing to settle or what feels like settling to me. The Woman completed me on a level but ultimately let me down by not understanding me and the things going on in my life. I out her first only to have her go on an on about guys, that hurt and when I gave it my all I was hurt and then when I didn't give it my all anymore I was rejected. Everyone wants to feel like they matter, like they are worth fighting for. I gave my all, I was willing and did fight for her only to be told I was being too much, so I backed off only to hear about these other guys she had a connection with, all these people that were not me.
Then I have a family crisis and I'm tossed out like garbage, like I never brought her food when she needed it or never her shit whens he was sick or never bought her phone cards so she could text everyone but me. I feel like I never mattered and I gave her everything to feel like she mattered until she pushed me away and then it was her turn but she didn't get that or feel like she had to let me know I mattered. Whats a girl to do?

I tried to tell Lucky she was just a friend. I ignored the chemistry because even though I knew there was something there it didn't feel as real as what I felt with The Woman. The weekend we spent together changed my mind but I gave excuses saying I was just trying to feel like I mattered to someone because The woman made me feel like I didn't matter at all. I finally had to drop the excuses and face the truth, I don't trust woman easily. It was easier to want to be with someone who blew me off then to be with someone who only wanted to see me happy. Why? Because I was use to being second best in someone's life because I had convinced myself that I could never make anyone happy or that happiness was only temporary. It was easier to deal with something that was doomed from the beginning then to deal with something that could actually be good. I'm not use to good, but doomed is familiar territory. Truth be told I could have fallen in love with Lucky and that scared the shit out of me because I wasn't used to be being with someone who had their shit together. Someone who didn't need me for anything, I felt useless with her. Funny considering I ended up feeling worthless and useless with the woman. Funny how life is like that.