I have this really awesome post I've been working on off and on all night but I can't make the words come out right because either I sound like a total pussy who doesn't want to give up or I sound like a total uncaring asshole, I can't find a middle ground that will allow me to express what's going on in my head without pissing off anyone. And before anyone gets any ideas, it's not just one person I'm worried about pissing off because the truth of the matter is I think I'm more pissed at myself for even caring what the fuck anyone thinks about what the fuck I write because I write for me. I write so I can sort shit out in my crazy ADD mind. I write because my shrink thinks it's a good idea. I want to write a funny witty post, because I am good at the funny witty stuff but I'm not feeling very humorous. I'm feeling incredibly stupid, crabby, unappreciated and disappointed.
And I'm pissed, I'm pissed that I was so easy to just throw away, I'm pissed that I smoked 3 fucking cigarettes today, so that leads me to be pissed about being weak. I'm pissed because my roommate used the last of my fucking tampons and didn't even have the decency to let me know because it would be too much to expect her to replace them. I'm pissed because I was suppose to go to Michfest this week and now I might not be able to go because I can't trust my roommate to look after the cats while I'm gone and not have all kinds of crazy people over here that I don't know and would rip me off. I'm pissed because I let myself get into these situations where I have all the faith in the world in people only to get fucked over or hurt or a big fucking "I told you so" from some of my so called friends.
I'm pissed because it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to make things better in my life, I feel like I'm a fucking hamster in one of those wheels always running but never getting anywhere. I'm pissed because I fucked the one girl I told myself I wouldn't anymore because she always makes me feel like shit except when we are having sex. I'm especially pissed about that because I'm the one that called her to hook up because I knew she was between girlfriends because she made a point of telling that last weekend. I'm pissed because I know I did it for all the wrong fucking reasons. I'm also really disappointed in myself because I told myself I wasn't going to go back to my old ways but calling Kel is definitely of the old. I'm pissed because I let myself get caught up and hurt, something I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore. I'm pissed because I have a brother on his way to fucking Iraq and another doing everything he can to get there. I'm pissed because my mom only calls me to tell me how I should be living my life and pointing out how much time I've wasted. I'm pissed because I seem to have the worst fucking luck(?) with girls, I always ALWAYS fall for the ones I know are going to break my heart, I can never fall for the nice, unattached, uncomplicated ones. That would make life to fucking easy. I'm pissed because I really thought I was being careful this time, only to be told I was uninvited into her life and that fucking stung. I did everything I could to be sure before getting caught up but apparently I'm a fuckhead who has no concept of what being emotionally safe means. I'm pissed because the two people I could actually talk to about things and knew me better than anyone are both gone. I am so FUCKING pissed that Brent and Anthony aren't here. I'm pissed off about the fact that even though I'm going through all this shit to quit smoking I actually cheated and smoked and that there is no guarantee that it's going to make any difference in how long I'll live. I'm pissed that I met this cool person I could talk to who won't talk to me at all. I'm pissed because I complicate things. I'm pissed because I feel like I am going through all this alone which in reality, I am.
This is not a poor me post, this is a "I am fucking fed up with how things are going and have been going" post. This is me venting because I'm so fucking sick and tired of being the asshole or the fool. I really need to find my happy little fuck it, no worries attitude because pissed off me is no fucking fun at all. I really did have a lot more fun when I just didn't give a shit about anything because really what was the point? I use to have this laid back attitude but every since I lost Brent I lost that. I just hope I can find it again. Life is serious but it's not this fucking serious, honestly, it's funny and weird and sad and amazing and beautiful and ugly and interesting but lately all I can see is the seriousness of it all and that's no fun at all.
Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes. Tomorrow I won't smoke even one cigarette, tomorrow I'll wake up and tell myself it's a great day, even if it's not, I'll keep telling myself that until it is. The rest can sort itself out.
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2 comments:
Hi, read your post.
Everybody is weak and people do things that they regret later on.
I am happily married, yet I speak to my ex and imagine getting back with her for a one nighter.
I feel guilty about it, but I know given the chance, I will still do it.
Don't know what makes us so weak. Perhaps some desire within us to self destruct? Or perhaps we just don't like who or where we are in life and this starts a vicious cycle that makes us become worse.
Bottomline is that you and I are just normal. So don't beat yourself so hard.
Tomorrow is another day:)
Thanks and today was much better actually :)
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