Holiday Cookies and Cars

Oh Blogger, how I've missed you. I've been so busy lately, I find those days of marathon FFXII playing are few and very far between. School has kept me busy as has work. Also with the Holidays I find myself doing more and more family stuff. Well, really more stuff with my sister, which is always enjoyable but I just don't seem to have the time to fit it all in anymore. I do fit it in but my down time is severely lacking. If I'm not making a billion cookies, or babysitting the baby, I'm finishing up my Christmas shopping, or at least trying. Then I have to fit in work and school work, oh and I can't forget the household chores I have to do to keep up with this place. For one person I sure do make a mess. I'm gonna blame the cats for this one, I'm sure they are having crazy house parties while I'm gone. The idea of a social life is exhausting to me, being that I'm only running on 4 hours a night as is. This current trend has bent a few people out of shape but I just keep telling them and me, it will all be worth it one day. It will, right?

So that being said, or typed as the case may be, by the end of the night, when I finally get home around 10pm lately, I'm just a tad on the crabby side. So tonight I get home around 10pm and find that the neighbors on both sides of me have been slowly but surely inching their way into my parking space. We are suppose to have two parking spaces in front of our houses. Until recently I never had to test that theory because I've only had one car. I understand, not everyone is good at parallel parking. I'm not the best but many many nights spent in Chicago have helped me to become a fairly good one. Anywho, I get home tonight and find I can't fit my car into the little half a space my neighbors have left me. I had been parking the Stealth at my sisters until yesterday so tonight was the first night I had both cars here. I think I'm a fairly reasonable person. I don't tend to be overly pissy or bitchy. Some would even say I can be laid back and level headed. But there was no way I was going to be able to fit my BRAND NEW car in the space they left me. I didn't realize how far up I had to park the Stealth because the people to the left of me had been parking up close, so when the people on the right decided that it was okay to park two vans and leave a good 4 feet between them, taking up at least half of one of my spaces, I was perturbed to say the least, fucking pissed to say the most. Where is decency these days? I mean really, that would be like me putting my grill on their deck because I didn't have the room on mine. Why is their lack of parking skills suddenly my problem? It's not and I went over and told them. I would have been nicer if this was the first time I had to talk to them about parking but this is the third time. They have only been here for a month and already I don't think I like them much. There should be plenty of room for parking if people learned how to fucking park. I don't like having to inch my way in and out of my own space because they can't park and now I have this fear of having both my cars here because that gives them that much less room to park, meaning much more of a chance for them to hit my new car. Now that would send me over the edge. This is the first brand new, no one has ever owned but me car I've ever had. The thought of the parking challenged neighbors hitting it freaks me out. I don't get stressed too easily but that stress' me out. It's all shiny, new, clean smelling, I don't even smoke in it and if you know me, you know how much I smoke. I've already washed it 4 times and I've only had a week.

The people who lived here before me had spray painted lines on the sidewalk that showed their parking area. When I first saw that I thought they had to be completely anal and slightly nuts, but now I can appreciate the simplicity and logic in it. Maybe that makes me a tad anal but I don;t care, I pay my lot fee same as everyone else, so shouldn't I be able to have the same rights? I'm not asking for special rights just the same basic ones that my neighbors have and that's the piece of mind in knowing I can park both my cars in my parking spaces. Is that really asking too much?

School Daze

Here I go, after months of talking, debating, procrastinating, I start classes this Wednesday. It's funny how it all came about. As much as I talked about it, I never really did more than entertain the idea, then a friend of mine who's an admissions adviser at Kaplan called me. We talked and within a week I was enrolled, financed and a college student. People knock online schools but the truth of the matter is that they are the wave of the future. I'm getting my Bachelors of Science in Information Systems for networking with a minor in marketing, which is going to give me the needed skills and paper for the position I have been wanting since I started at my company. I want to be the person who looks at emerging trends in telecommunications and implements them for our customers. Or to put it another way, I want to pick out the phones we put into testing.

I have four long years ahead of my but as Lucky and I discussed this past weekend, it's gonna be so worth it when it's over. The job I want is in Madison so that ties in nicely with our 5 year plan. We spent a lot of the weekend cleaning out the house and I have a fresh start, it feels great. Things are finally falling into place, so much so that I'm almost afraid to post this because I don't want to jinx it.

The Dawn of Something

A couple weeks ago my company sent me to a training on how to use a planner. I even got a really nice Franklin Covey day planner out of it. I used it to schedule no more than 65% of my day (like the training taught me) and every night I would write out my goals for the next day, my appointments, my to do list. Funny thing, it didn't work because I never actually looked at it during the day. That kind of sums me up perfectly, just because I have the tools doesn't mean I'm gonna actually use them. Just having a number in my phone doesn't mean I'm gonna call it. Meaning, I'm pretty bad at follow through, which is nothing new but I realize that I have been living in this self denial about the depth of my shortcomings. Luckily I have people all to ready to point them out to me.

Basically I've been trying to follow through better, starting with the little day planner I have and this goal setting thing I have to do once a month for work. My company is very big on personal improvement and employee training. I'm really lucky to be working for a company that spends money on employees to learn how to use a day planner in this day and age of downsizing and budget cuts. If they are willing to put the money into me the least I can do is follow through on it.

I've taken a step back from a lot of people and things to concentrate on myself. I can't look for happiness outside of myself anymore because thats not true happiness I'm finding. It's only the temporary, dull the boredom kind. Only until I can learn to be comfortable being myself and with myself will I be able to be a good friend to others. I just need to take a step back and re evaluate my priorities. It's time to stop talking about it and just actually do it.

Back with something to say

Sometimes I have moments to real to blog about because to blog about them makes them too real. If that makes any sense. I'm single by choice, I only say that because it's not like I'm single because no one loves me, I get it. I get the fact I push away the ones that get to close no matter how much I say I don't. I get the fact that for some reason the most amazing person wants to be amazing with me and I don't because I got burned recently. I'm happy for the most part, I have my moments when I'm all poor me and I'm so lonely but the thing is I'm only alone because I've have choose this. I'm refusing to settle or what feels like settling to me. The Woman completed me on a level but ultimately let me down by not understanding me and the things going on in my life. I out her first only to have her go on an on about guys, that hurt and when I gave it my all I was hurt and then when I didn't give it my all anymore I was rejected. Everyone wants to feel like they matter, like they are worth fighting for. I gave my all, I was willing and did fight for her only to be told I was being too much, so I backed off only to hear about these other guys she had a connection with, all these people that were not me.
Then I have a family crisis and I'm tossed out like garbage, like I never brought her food when she needed it or never her shit whens he was sick or never bought her phone cards so she could text everyone but me. I feel like I never mattered and I gave her everything to feel like she mattered until she pushed me away and then it was her turn but she didn't get that or feel like she had to let me know I mattered. Whats a girl to do?

I tried to tell Lucky she was just a friend. I ignored the chemistry because even though I knew there was something there it didn't feel as real as what I felt with The Woman. The weekend we spent together changed my mind but I gave excuses saying I was just trying to feel like I mattered to someone because The woman made me feel like I didn't matter at all. I finally had to drop the excuses and face the truth, I don't trust woman easily. It was easier to want to be with someone who blew me off then to be with someone who only wanted to see me happy. Why? Because I was use to being second best in someone's life because I had convinced myself that I could never make anyone happy or that happiness was only temporary. It was easier to deal with something that was doomed from the beginning then to deal with something that could actually be good. I'm not use to good, but doomed is familiar territory. Truth be told I could have fallen in love with Lucky and that scared the shit out of me because I wasn't used to be being with someone who had their shit together. Someone who didn't need me for anything, I felt useless with her. Funny considering I ended up feeling worthless and useless with the woman. Funny how life is like that.

We've Been Had

Everyday we are inundated with images, songs, movies, TV Shows and every other form of media imaginable that sells the idea of love. We've grown up with this completely unattainable idea of what love is. It started from the happily ever after storybooks and Disney movies, continued through the movies Say Anything and most of the John Hughes oeuvre. We are all awash in sappy love songs that speak of emotions so intense that we all have been brainwashed to believe that is what true love feels like. Or rather, should feel like. Chick flicks are really only created to feed into this common misconception so much so that no one will ever be able to live up to the idea of what we have love should be.

We think that love should, and can, conquer all, that it can move mountains and heal deep seeded issues. We have been lead to believe that if you just love enough all will work out and there will be a happily ever after. With expectations that high how anyone does find love amazes me. Perhaps, deep down, we all feel like we are just settling and are never truly satisfied. So we are doomed to be forever searching for our Lloyd Dobler, Seth (Nick Cages Angel in City of Angels who gave up eternity to be with a mortal woman he had only seen but never talked to), Westley (or the Dread Pirate Roberts), Idgie Threadgood or any other impossibly romantic hero type that does anything and everything to be with the one they love.

Most girls grow up wanting to be that object of affection, so you can imagine how that tends to make for an interesting dynamic when you're a girl who dates other girls. For me it's like part of me wants to be the hero and the other part thinks it would be really cool if for once I didn't have to buy the flowers. But I'm getting slightly off track here. The point is, I don't think love like that can exist. Everyoen wants to feel special, like no one else has ever felt the way we do about someone but the truth of the matter is, love is pretty common, there are many degrees of love but I don't think earth shattering, mountain moving, eternity giving up love exists. If it did, all these crazy chick flicks wouldn't be making millions at the box office, sappy love songs wouldn't be played so much on the radio and crappy romance novels wouldn't be out selling most other types of books. We would all be too busy experiencing it.

I do believe in love but I think it's more sedate. Of course you get that rush at first but after the spark of infatuation is gone, love is what's left if you are still together. It's the comfort in the silences that you don't feel the need to fill, it's looking at that person and knowing that they want to be there with you. With infatuation you can't wait to have sex on every surface in your house. With love, I think it's more, you can't wait to get new furniture together. Infatuation can be mistaken for love because it is an intense feeling but it shouldn't be the stuff that long term potential is measured against. Being able to be with someone and completely comfortable is real love, not whether or not that person would give up eternal life to be with you.

I think we all just need to re-evaluate our concept of what love is because if you can find someone who will put up with all your quirks and you are willing to do the same, if you both are considerate and repectful of each other, isn't that really worth hanging on to? It might not eb the stuff of Hollywood movies but really what is?

Stand for Something

I was going to write this long ass rant about how we need to find alternatives to oil that don't cause carbons to continue to pollute the Earth furthering the global warming epidemic. I was but then I realized that far more talented and knowledgable people than I am have tackled the topic, seriously, google it, there's a lot of info out there. Then I was like, ok I'll get on my high horse about why people need to vote, even in Midterm elections, especially these current midterm elections. But I realized that again far more knowledgable people have blogged that to death as well. It's just, I'm more than relationship issues and work. My blog has become this huge dumping ground for all my girl issues and I'm not sure that makes for interesting reading. I have a wide variety of interests, like Roman History, I am so in love with Roman History, like not just the major stuff but the little every day to day things that your typical Roman went through. If there was ever a time in history to live it would have been during the hayday of the Romans. If you were a citizen there was no better place to be. They had huge parties that turned inot orgies, homosexuality was just a given, bathing was encouraged and just about every base whim, want or desire was catered to and encouraged.

I was thinking about how incredibly stupid it is that I can't marry a woman if I wanted to, why not? Why when the debate comes up someone always has to bring up marrying animals?? How is that a logical jump? Well if we let Betty and Wilma get married we're gonna have to let Fred and Dino the Dinodog get married?? HUH??? How fucked up must a mind be to equate marrying someone of the same species and gender with marrying outside of the species? Thats like 3 year old logic, actually,I know 3 year olds that more logical than that.

There's just too many issues these days and I feel like I should be doing more to make the world a better place, or at least livable still long after I'm gone.

Stokley, DJ Superstar

BMP Mag is having a contest to find a hot new DJ. I've been working on my submission for a week now, I think I have it down pretty tight, at least I hope I do. It has to be 30 mins long, give or take a minute or two. I'll post it here when I'm happy with it. The grand prize is a trip to LA to spin at some of the hottest clubs and a the cover of BPM. I'm not a covergirl, but they can do amazing stuff with lighting. I know I'm good, so now it's time to let everyone outside of my area know it as well.

One Simple Truth

I can't do perfect. I can't pretend to be perfect, I can't be with someone who is perfect. I need someone with flaws to compliment my many flaws. Perfect scares me because no one is perfect but there are a few people in this world who seem to be. I like things to be a little messy and complicated. I must because if it's too easy I make it harder than it has to be.

I've been kinda of caught between two women lately. But not really because only one has my heart and the other shows me the attention I need. They couldn't be more completely different from each other than day and night.

Lucky says everything I want to hear and actually pays attention to me. But The Woman, when she's here, she's really here, it's just that lately it has been harder and harder to picture that future with her because she already has a future with someone else so really I shouldn't be confused right? But I am. I know she loves me but sometimes I wish it wasn't just words anymore. Lucky shows me she cares, we've never said we loved each other because I don't love her. We connect on this great level but it's like hanging out with a great friend, not someone I want to spend my life with. My friends adore Lucky and I can't even mention The Woman to them because she gets upset. They are all telling me I'm the biggest ass for not being with Lucky but you can't force feelings that aren't there. She asked me last night if The Woman wasn't in the picture if they would be there and I can't answer that because I want The Woman in my life. When I had The Woman's attention I felt like everything was right in the world and that nothing couldn't be handled. I thought, naively, that we were strong enough to overcome anything that life would throw at us. It was like everything clicked into place, like this missing piece I didn't know was missing had been filled in with her. I liked it, I thrived on it, I wanted to be better and do better for her. I wanted her to feel appreciated, loved, needed and wanted. And then nothing. She just shut me out and pushed me away. She already had a future planned before me and I wasn't enough for her to deviate from that future. It's like a physical ache and thats so weird, I'm not the type to get all hung up on a girl who has shown me time and time again I'm not the one she wants. Then there's those times when she does tell me she loves me and for that moment all is right but those moments are few and far between lately, it's heartbreaking. I back off and try not to push because this is something she has to figure out but I wish she would at least let me in as a friend, so I don't feel like I have done something wrong constantly.

With Lucky it's completely different. She never pushes me away and calls me out when she sees me pushing her away. We can talk for hours and laugh for hours more. But I can't get that feeling I get when I think about The Woman. Lucky is perfect and that freaks me out. She has her shit together,knows exactly what she wants and does what she needs to do to get it. She's finishign her PhD and interning at a rehab hospital, yet still finds time to hang out with me, 2 hours away. She does these little things just to make me feel special. Just to let me know that even though she's crazy busy, she's taking a few minutes out of her hectic life to think about me and let me know. She's doing everything I wish The Woman would do. It's not fair to her that I'm wishing these things were said or done by someone else. Lucky sees something in me I don't see. I have a pretty high opinion of myself but I also know that her and I are completely in different worlds. She's like a fine wine and I'm like a Miller Lite. The Woman and I do have a lot more in common, and I feel more myself around The Woman.

It's like the people that you want, don't want you and the people that you don't want do want you and when you finally want the people that you didn't want they don't want you anymore. But I'm just stuck, I can't move on because I refuse to because I refuse to give up on The Woman but at some point something has to happen, right?

Should Old Friends Be Forgotten

You know that little voice in your head that tells you that maybe you shouldn't be doing something? Not the kind that tells you to slash the tires of that guy who just stole your girl, that's a different voice. Hmm but I swear I don't have like a lot of voices in my head, just the two, the one that tells me maybe what I'm doing isn't the brightest idea I've had all week and the other one that tells me to ignore the first one because it never wants to have any fun. I find I tend to listen to the wrong one consistently. I have made an art out of ignoring that little voice. As I get older though I find I'm listening to it more than I use to but still not at the times it really matters.

In the last year and few months I have lost to people very close to me. First my cousin, B and then less than a year after my world turned inside out with the loss of B, his best friend and a guy who was like a big brother to me, A, died. The three of us had created our own little family years ago, me and my boys. We were like brothers and sister. Those two looked out for me as much as I looked out for them. They were both so alike but yet so different. They had their own way of going about things, I have started calling the little voice that tells me not to do something incredibly dumb, B and the one that tells me to just do it anyways because it will be fun A. If you knew them, you would realize how fitting this truly is. But I digress, I was blogging about ignoring that little voice B and the consequences of doing so.

Tonight after work I was dead tired, I just wanted to go home and relax for once because I have the next two days off. Needing a few things I decided to make a quick run to Target, because in the new found spirit of redoing my house and cleaning it out, I'm finding I need to buy a few thing in which to fill it, ironic isn't it? I have justified these purchases to myself by saying I am getting rid of all the worn out and old things. I decided I needed, not wanted, but needed new bathroom rugs. Off to Target I went. While browsing through the kitchenware's (I apparently need new cookie sheets and Corningware pans as well) I ran into an old friend, Dixie, I haven't seen in a couple years. I'm calling her Dixie because it makes me laugh because she acts like she grew up on some grand southern plantation, complete with slight accent, when in reality she grew up in Northern Illinois. (OK, full disclosure, she's an ex). It's always odd to run into someone who once shared so much with you, that you knew each other like the back of your hand only to find a few years later you're complete strangers. We got to chatting, at first is was a weird hey, hi, how have you been kind of conversation. It was a little sad to think that this person who you once cared so much about has become just back story to your life, the feelings have faded and they cease to cause that intense feeling of excitement you use to get when you use to see them daily. Our break up was less than nice, she dumped me for a cop she had met one night while we were out at the gay bar. Like on the spot dumped me. We didn't talk for a few months after that but being the good lesbian I am we became friends about a year later but had lost touch a few years ago. She had fallen victim to the coupledom syndrome, lesbians are especially prone to this disease, though the gay boys seem almost immune to it. ( For those not in the know, coupledom syndrome is when your friend finally gets a girlfriend/boyfriend/ high speed internet service and disappears off the face of the Earth only resurfacing for extremely important events like gay pride. If the significant other isn't glued to them when they do make that rare appearance, they will constantly talk about them. In severe cases they stop talking about themselves in the singular and everything becomes us and we. Near fatal cases involve matching outfits.)

Long story short, Dixie and the cop chick had been together for almost 5 years, then the cop chick dumped her about 6 months ago. She invited me out to this little dive bar. The little voice in my head was saying it was bad, bad idea. I ignored it and found myself saying, sure. 30 minutes later we were at this little corner bar, drinking Rolling Rocks and playing pool. She started on what would be a 2 hour tirade about every little slight and slander her ex caused her, real and imagined. I listened and felt my eyes glazing over. If it had been interesting I would have been much more interested but her shopping list of wrongs included such things as buying yellow roses instead of red on her birthday, leaving her clothes in the dryer, not walking the dog enough, just a bunch of little mundane so what kind of things. To Dixie they weren't little things but about halfway through her tirade I remembered why I had lost touch with her. She's pretty high maintenance and a bit, um, demanding. Not in the good kind of demanding that can be hot sometimes but the whiny, it's all about me, I'm a princess and you better treat me as such kind.

Now, remember I live in the Midwest and we were not at a gay bar, but at some dingy neighborhood bar, crowded with regulars, mostly old guys, guys on their way to being old guys and skanky barfly women. Most of whom had been listening to Dixie's rant on her girlfriend to the point where even the old guy who's butt print was permanently worn into the stool at the end of the bar and hadn't been sober since the 80's got the hint that we were gay. Not that I'm not obvious anyways. After a couple beers and a few games of pool this old guy comes up to us and starts chatting us up. He offers to buy us a shot if we kiss. I try to laugh it off but Dixie grabs me and lays one on me. I had forgotten that she was quite the drinker and would do almost anything for free drinks and attention. A few guys laugh, the old guy buys us a shot and that should have been the end of it. Dixie is talking to the old guy and a couple if his friends. I guess one of the bar skanks had claimed him because she pipes up with how disgusting we are. Dixie is not having it. I guess I also forgot to mention that Dixie has quite the temper on her when she drinks. I had forgotten that little point as well, but not the little voice in my head. B had tried to warn me.

Dixie yells at her, "No you're disgusting." Such a clever reply. Bar Skank then says something about Dixie not being able to get a man and then Dixie goes over by Bar Skank and starts yelling and Bar Skank is yelling and the bartender is yelling and chaos is ensuing, and I'm just drinking my beer. All the memories of spending many such nights with Dixie come flooding back. Ah, yes, this is why it was a bad idea to go out drinking with Dixie. She's highly irritable when she's been drinking. After about 5 minutes of yelling 3rd grade insults back and forth at each other, the bartender has decided we are troublemakers and kicks us out. I try to pull Dixie towards the door but this little fireball isn't finished yet, as a parting shot she pushes Bar Skank into the bar. Nice one. I can tell we are about to be physically removed if we don't leave, so I start pulling at Dixie with a bit more urgency, well that turned out to be the wrong thing to do, she turns around and punches me right in the chest. Ouch. I yell at her, you just punched me, you ass! Yeah, call me Captain Obvious. Now the bartender is saying she's calling the cops. Punching me must have shocked a bit of sense into Dixie because she starts apologizing to me. I'm just wanting to get the hell out of there and as far away from this psycho as possible. I tell her, it's ok, no worries, lets just get the hell out of there. I finally got her out of the bar and because I'm a glutton for punishment offered to give her a ride home as she is way to drunk to drive. She's still telling me how sorry she is. It took a few minutes but I finally convinced her to let me drive her home. Thankfully nothing happened on the way home, just her saying over and over how sorry she was. I dropped her off and breathed a sigh of relief that I was finally rid of her.

Now I am safely at home, admiring my new bathroom rugs and the bruise I'm going to have to match them in the morning. I really need to listen to that little voice more often.

Tick Tick Tick

For a couple years I have been really thinking I wanted a baby, but then I'm like, I can barely handle the two cats I have. The feel has come and gone. I'm quite logical about it, knowing that being a female I'm biologically wired to have the urge to procreate. Regardless of my sexuality, my choice of guys clothes over girls clothes, the fact I feel more comfortable playing video games than shopping (unless it's for a new gadget or electronic) despite all that I'm still cursed with really girlie feelings when it comes to babies. I'm the proudest aunt you'll find, I carry multiple pics of my sisters kids around in my duct tape wallet. I brag about every new little thing my newest niece does, from her first steps a couple weeks ago to her first birthday party next month. Sometimes when I'm babysitting her I wonder about what it would be like to have my own little one, it seems kinda cool. Then she starts crying or has a really rank diaper and I'm so glad I can give her back to my sleep deprieved sister and go about my merry way. I'm sure it would be different if it was my own child but the thing is I don't want to be pregnant. Just the thought freaks me out. It would just be so much easier if I could buy a baby on Ebay. Wouldn't that be cool?

I know some people out there are gonna think this is a horrble idea, that babies shouldn't be sold and all that. Some would argue that there is too much of a chance for women to be used as baby mills, like puppy mills but really aren't sperm banks, egg donation and the like just legal forms of babies mills? To be sure there are many flaws to my plan but I don't think I'm really serious, much. Or maybe instead of just sending less than it costs for a cup of coffee a day to "adopt" some 3rd world child who is forced to work at the age of 6 in brutal conditions, you could really adopt that child directly and they show up on your doorstep like a mail order bride. Russia is big on the mail order brides and also "overseas adoptions" which I guess, come to think of it, is like a mail order baby, except you need to go there to pick the little tyke up to show you're really serious. Oh and grease a lot of political Russian palms.

But really, I have no clue what I'm talking about. I've been thinking about getting a dog for a coupel months. I've been doing research on the perfect type to fit my life style, if I should get a puppy or an older one, which rescue or pound to get it from. I have to be sure i get the right one because it's theoretically gonna be around for at least 10 years. Babies grow up to become kids that become teenagers that become overgrown children who stick around for at least 20 years these days. And what would I do with a baby while I'm at work? I think it's frowned upon leaving them in a crate all day until they're potty trained, or can at least change their own diaper. So unless I get with a really amazing woman who is willing to pop out a baby for us to love and care for together or better yet already has one housebroken, I'm pretty sure I'm doomed to a life of cats. Damn this biological clock telling me different.

Dreams

Peacefully asleep is where i should be right now, but alas that is not to be. I was fitfully dleeping aobut an hour ago but I was jolted out of my restless slumber by the weirdest dream. I was walking down this stone road, Lucky was walking on the right side of me and The Woman (who is sadly not my woman)was walking on my left side. They were talking to each other about me, like I wasn't there. The Woman was telling Lucky how she had me whipped and Lucky was telling her not to be so sure. Then The Woman told Lucky that I would never love her like I love her and Lucky said, "Every love is different" I tried to get their attention, first protesting to be whipped but they ignored me completely. The Woman then told Lucky "You will never be able to give her what she already had with me." Lucky then said that was a good thing. They gave each other the fakest smile.

The sky was grey and overcast. I could smell that earthwormy smell it gets sometimes after it rains for the first time in a long time and all the earthworms come up out of the ground. There were some trees along the road we were walking that had lost all their leaves. Lucky was telling The Woman that she really hurt me by shutting me out. I tried to say no, I wasn't hurt, I kind of understood but again I went unnoticed. The Woman replied that she never asked me to care and it would be easier if I didn't, that she was shutting me out for a reason but I refused to take the hint. Lucky then said I was a good chess player and that the Greeks had it right. (Ok I have no idea it was really random). The Woman went on to say she had moved on and it was really tiring that I hadn't. At this point I don't know if Lucky was talking pure nonsense or being overtly cryptic but she replied, "Once the bubble bursts there is no way to have the same bubble ever again." The Woman then looked right at me but like she was looking through me and told Lucky she didn't want me and never would. Then Lucky looked right at me and said "We're here"

We had stopped at the edge of a small pond. They both then looked at me, but didn't say anything to me. Lucky gave me a sad little smile and then sqeezed my hand. The Woman kissed me and then pushed me into the pond. I woke up as I felt the coldness of the water hit me.

I know they had said some other stuff to each other but I couldn't remember exactly what all it was but it felt like they were arguing but in the way that people do with out being obvious about it. Like when two people who really don't like each other try to be civil but you can still feel it. Blah I need some head space that isn't filled with woman, or woman problems.

Ani Really Does Have a Song for Everything

unrequited

she had all kind of reasons
why she was unable to love her
she was just too young
she was too high strung
she was afraid of commitment
but all of the theories
that she recited
played like the song
of the unrequited

baby, how long's it been now
since you held me to your chest
and told me that you love me
more than all the rest
it's such a shame that you won't talk to me
cuz i won't repeat after you
i believe that there is more to life
we coulda loved each other through
but i was afraid of commitment
when it came to you

i'll tell you, if there is one instinct
i just can't get with at all
it's the urge to kill something beautiful
just to hang it on your wall
are you just too young
are you too high strung
to actually follow through
on all the love you said you had
baby i never lied to you

is all or nothing
the best we can do?

It's Here!!!!

Today I got a present from the FedEx guy! My new Alienware computer has finally arrived. I won it fromt his contest I entered froma game I bought. I havent' set it up yet because I'm cleaning out the back bedroom and turning it into my playroom. I'm gonna put my turntables in there, my new computer, the guitar, the PS2 and get a new futon to put in there as well. I'm crazy excited as I just bought a new office chair tonight and pick up the new desk on Saturday. I am done with roommates. I am taking over the space and cleanng out the house. So far I've taken 4 garbage bags full of crap out and have boxed up tons more for the garage sale my family has every summer. I can't handle all the clutter anymore. I want a nice, clean, uncluttered house. So I will have that.

Friday I have the day off and all I am going to do is clean, clean, clean. No computer, no video games, nothing until I have the house clean and cleaned out. I just get so overwhelmed when I think about everything so I'm just going to break it into little bits at a time, start from the livingroom and work my way back. I think I might even pick up a couple more bookcase because I have books overflowing everywhere. I'm actually kind of excited about this, weird.

When Bad Shapes Happen to Good Cereal

It's a little after 3am, as per usual, I can't sleep. I decided to have a bowl of cereal. Standing there, staring at all the various boxes I have in my cupboard to choose from it dawned on me what was wrong with the world today. They completely fucked up our cereal. Seriously. And not for the better. Rememeber when Count Chocula had little marshmellows that looked like little marshmellows? They would melt a little in the milk. Not so with today's Chocolatety marshmellows, those things are bat shaped and other assorted blobby shapes and they do not melt even a little in your milk, you have to chew on those fuckers now, have I mentioned they have the consistancy of styrofoam? It's like chewing on a styrofoam cup, yuck.

Lucky Charms has added so many new marshmellows it barely has any room for the one thing that thinly disguised it as having any nutritional value, the little oat parts. I remember a time when I would have more oat bits than marshmellows, not so anymore. Now I find myself searching for those once scorned pieces to take the sugar edge off so I don't go into a diabetic coma after a couple spoon fulls of the styrofoam marshmellows.

Also, what's with the neon pink pebbles glowing like radioactive sugar from my bowl of fruity pebbles? Just leave my Fruity Pebbles alone, thankyouverymuch. I don't have too many joys left over form my childhood, that is one of them and I swear if they fuck them up I'm gonna have to write a very stern letter to the editor or something. It's bad enough they stopped added prizes to the boxes now a days.

Those prizes established a pecking order in every American childs household. It allowed you to observe at a very early age the different ways people handled conflict and perfect your own style. Those toys helped build character, unless you were an only child, then you were just spoiled and would never learn the survival skills needed to survive on the playground and beyond anyways. Which doesn't matter because I'm sure mommy and daddy gave you everything anyways and still do. But if you had siblings, especially ones close in age to you, then it was a true glimpse at the ways of the world. Just about every tactic was employed and if you were good at it, you walked away with the glow in the dark spoon, if you weren't then you got stuck with the pog.

In my house my oldest sister, Ame, got by for many a year on the fact she was the oldest and could therefor beat the crap out of the rest of us. That lasted until I discovered the power of crying and whining until my mom would just say, "Just give it to her, you're too old for that anyways." Which was the truth, Ame is 6 years older than me. There was only a couple years of fighting over the coveted toy until she out grew the joy of playing with little monsters that fit on your fingertip. I so loved my little Frankenberry finger puppet. The most vicious and peace shattering cereal box fights happened between me and my next oldest sister, Jess, who is only a year and a half older than me. Many battles were played out at the breakfast table between us with my oldest sister usually the only one around to break them up because our parents were already at work. Rice Krispies was giving out little Snap, Crackle and Pop figures once, I had a Snap and 3 Pops, but my life was incomplete because I still needed Crackle.

Everytime I went to the grocery store with my mom I would have to feel every box of Rice Krispies until I was convinced the one I held in my little hands was the box containing Crackle nestled in with the puffed rice. Turns out I had a knack for picking the boxes with Pop in them, between my sister and myself we had a little army of Pops. One morning I was a little late waking up but I wasn't too concerned because I knew we still has almost half a box of Rice Krispies to go through until we could open the new one. Jess, in one of the only brilliant thoughts she has had in her entire life, got up early and with a little help from Ame, had finsihed off the rest of the box and had opened the new one. I walked into the kitchen to her smirking at me with the Holy Grail of cereal toys sitting next to her bowl. THAT BITCH!!! SHE HAD MY CRACKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only did she have my Crackle, she was gloating over it. That just wouldn't do. I was the one who picked out the box, I was the one who played by the rules, I was the one who was out smarted by the girl who thought Snausages were beef jerky for people and ate them. First, I tried to reason with her, I tried to trade her 2 Pops and a couple Garbage Pail Kids for it, of course she said no. Then I tried blackmail, but being only 6 I wasn't very good at it. I threatened to tell my mom that she ate all the cereal and she just said, so what. Feeling very ripped off at the injustice of it all, I tried to just take it, that didn't work, at that time she could still beat my ass, though it was a close fight. So I fell back on old reliable, I threw a fit, complete with full on crying and whining. It being a Sunday morning, Mom and Dad were home. The noise woke Dad up who was unsympathetic to my plight and told me to go to my room. I think he was hung over, of course i didn't know it at the time but looking back on it, Mom and him would go out on Saturday nights and not get home until long after we were in bed.

So I sat in my room, pouting and plotting revenge on Jess for stealing the toy that should have been mine. After what seemed like hours but was probably only 10 minutes I peeked my head out my door to see if Dad had gone back to bed. Jess was sititng in the hall, playing with her complete set of Snap, CRACKLE and Pop. She looked up, smirking at me, telling me I better get back into my room before she told Dad I was out. I didn't get my Crackle that day. For weeks Jess would carry it around just to piss me off. The next box of Rice Krispies we got after that one I got in trouble from my mom for pouring all the cereal in a big pan to get to the prize, it was another Pop.

Right about that time those plastic charm bracelets were getting popular and I just happened to get a little platic charm in the shape of a Milkshake that Jess really wanted so she finally trade me Crackle for it. As I was reveling in the joy of having a complete set, Jess handed me Crackle, saying, "I never wanted it anyways, only dweebs play wiht those now." Gotta love siblings. But see if it hadn't been for those toys I would have never learned the art of bartering, blackmail, throwing an effective fit, patience, fighting and countless other skills needed to survive in the adult world. I'm sure some I would have learned but I don't think I would have been as good as I am if I hadn't gotten such a young start at honing my skills.

Oh, and another thing, you would think while they are changing shapes, adding more marshmellows and such they would have at least gotten around to changing Capt'n Crunch's shape so it didn't cut the roof of your mouth like razor wire, but yet they haven't. Go figure.

$2.00 Bottle of Water

It was a flimsy excuse, I know. I had the day off and Token had mentioned he needed a ride to meet up with a friend of his at this pool hall. A pool hall that just happened to be really close to where someone is living right now. Someone who claims to love me but never talks to me, ever anymore. Someone who I know is capable of being the person she was when we first started talking but for reasons unknown to me I have been completely shut out. The last time i heard from her directly she left me a message telling me happy birthday and that she loved me. Then, nothingness. It feels like an unfinished sentence or like the cable cut out in the middle of a really good movie. Just the way it's hanging there with nothing being said makes it hard to just face the facts. 1. She hasn't called me. 2. I called and left her a couple messages over the last few weeks. 3. She makes NO effort to actually talk to em, let alone see me. So why do I still have feelings for her? I've blown off people I couldn't stand nicer than this is feeling. It's like I'm waiting, I don't want to move on in case things change and she realizes she can't or doesn't want to live without me. It's all very strange, I've never allowed myself to be in this position before and I really hate it.

So what am I waiting and why am I waiting? I know she's gonna say, I never asked you to wait or don't wait but the thing is I would feel like I missed out on something really important in my life if I was to just give up. So I don't know what to do.

I took Token to the pool hall and considered just stopping by her house but I figured that would be awkward and weird so I just stopped at the gas station and bought a $2.00 bottle of water because that makes about as much sense as anything else I'm doing lately.

My Life, a Rock Opera

Out of Towners

The last week has been one big rush filled with too many things to squeeze in while working all day. Of course the weekend was fill with tons of Birthday fun. I had a couple friends come from out of town to celebrate with me. Hawk came up from her exile in South Carolina to hang out and Leelee came from Boston to hang. I knew Hawk was coming but Leelee completely surprised me! She was suppose to be going from Boston to Austin this week but she decided to stop over to spend some time with me and our friends along with taking the time to see her parents who still live around here. I haven't seen her since she came to visit last Christmas.

I really love spending time with Leelee, she's the only person who will have all night talks about politics and how to change the world with me. She's been living in Boston for the last year with her girlfriend. Now she's off to Austin to finish school and find herself. I can understand the feeling. Lately I have been thinking I need a change.

Yesterday was Mando's birthday so we had a cook out and bonfire at her house, it was a blast. It was great to just be surrounded by the people you have so much history with. Not to say there wasn't a few new people hanging about because there was. Ms. Lucky herself graced us by coming down for the bonfire, Mando had invited her and she didn't tell me. Sneaky girl that one is. I hung out a bit longer than I should have considering I had to work today but it was worth it. I was good though and didn't drink even though Leelee picked up a couple bottles of Boones. She said it was to remind us of all the times we had gotten piss drunk on it during our misspent youth. Yeah those were days I was unable to relive last night as I had adult responsibilities to take care of today.

Leelee and I went out for dinner tonight after I got off work. We had a really long conversation about life, the universe and the evil of Bush. Now I am sitting here still thinking about it. Lately it seems like everyone around me is moving on to these big important periods in their lives and I'm still here, doing the same thing. Hawk moved to SC to get her shit together and get out of debt. Mando and Lolli are talking about having a baby. Leelee is going to Austin to get her Masters. Lucky is getting her PhD. Token is leaving in the spring to go to Europe to bum around for a year with his boyfriend. Jane Danger is starting a new band with Chippy. Chris Piss moved to San Francisco with his boyfriend this summer. The most life changing thing I've done lately is buy a new area rug for the kitchen. Which is a bit life changing if you knew how unhappy I was with the kitchen floor before hand.

I have been looking into going back to school, especially because my company will pay for it 100% so I would be a fool not to take advantage of that. The trouble I'm having is figuring out what I want to go to school for. I know something computer related but that still leaves so many choices. I want to be the person who gets to choose and test the new phones because we have been getting some really shit phones lately. I also want to travel but doesn't everyone? I want to go to Europe and Australia, maybe even South America. And of course Japan because that's where all the cool electronics come from.

I'm just tired of doing the same thing day in day out, year in year out while everyone else is moving forward. So instead if just bitching about it, I'm going to do something about it, especially since I have the opportunity to do so.

I don't feel older

I've been 30 for 24 hours now and I don't feel different. I didn't wake up yesterday morning with the urge to clean the house, get a new shower curtain to replace the one that's kind of barely hanging in there or feel a sudden need to read the business section in Sunday's paper. It felt like any other day really, not a milestone in my life. Cleaning the house didn't seem any more fun and playing video games didn't feel any less fun. In all reality there wasn't any change that I could tell. Perhaps the "time to be an adult" gene that's suppose to kick in when you turn 30 malfunctioned? Maybe I am just lacking that gene? Everyone says 30 is the new 20 but in retrospect, I don't think I want to redo my 20's. I don't think I would survive a second time around.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to change with the start of a new decade in my life but I expected to feel something different. I have been noticing gradual changes in the last couple years, maybe that was just the build up to turning 30? I know that I have changed since I was 20.

Than: If a girl told me she loved me I'd run away Now: If a girl tells me she loves me I get warm fuzzies.
Than: I could stay up all night drinking with my friends, make it to work and be fine with only an hour of sleep Now: If I go out drinking all night with my friends I'm hurting for the next day at least, forget working.
Than: I went to Raves almost every weekend and took massive amounts of drugs. Now: I hang out with my friends at the same tired club most weekends and take massive amounts of drugs for my allergies.
Than: I would DJ at a lot of the Raves. Now: I DJ'ed my nieces Sweet 16 party.
Than: My friends and I would play marathon games of Tetris. Now: My nephew and I kick each others ass at Mortal Kombat.
Than: I worked at a summer camp for fun and lived off money my friends and I made from selling certain substances. Now: I work full time and live for my 2 weeks off a year.
Than: I lived in this crappy little two room apartment Now: I live in a less crappy tin box that I at least own.
Than: I made mixtapes that really were tapes. Now: I make awesome CD's that I can edit and add effects to.
Than: The thought of a family and being with the same person forever seemed so lame. Now: The thought of a family and being with the same person forever seems nice.

Even though some things have changed, fundamentally I've stayed the same. I might not be exactly where I planned on being at 30 but given what I was doing 10 years ago, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I should be.

Creepy

I never hold much stock in those online quizzes but this color quiz one really is creepy in how close to me it is.

Your Existing Situation
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified. Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.


Your Restrained Characteristics
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but is inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied to her.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition. Alert and keenly observant. Is seeking fresh avenues offering greater freedom and the chance to make the most of them. Wants to prove herself and to achieve recognition. Striving to bridge the gap which she feels separates her from others.

Your Actual Problem
Afraid that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants and therefore demands that others should recognize her right to them.

Your Actual Problem #2
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards. Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

Problems with Starting

Today was long and expensive. My car has been having starting issues for a while now and me being the perfect procrastinator kept putting it off until this morning when I went to go to work and it wouldn't start. I tried and I tried because lately it had been taking like 50 turns to get it to turn over, but alas today not even 100 turns got it to start. I called work and told them I would be a little late, it was 10 minutes to 11am which is the time I usually start. Yes I don't start work until 11am and I get up around 10am everyday, that's why I bitch when I have to work at 9am. I know to some that's late but to me 9am is too early to even think, let alone have to be on top of my game at work. I have never been a morning person, even when there was Saturday morning cartoons, I wasn't a morning person but I forced myself to get up all extra early on Saturdays because the Smurfs rocked my world and the programming God's were smart to put them on first thing to get us kids up early, glued to the TV for the rest of the morning. But as usual, I digress.

Finally 20 after 11 I had to finally accept the fact that the car was not starting. I called work and one of the girls I work with volunteered to come pick me up. Since I had taken a week off for vacation I was still a little short on my quota and didn't want to have to miss any work. Harley came and it was only after she got to my house that we stopped to think about how the hell I was suppose to get home that night seeing as I was the closer that night, let alone how the hell I would get to work the next day. We messed around with the car for a bit and determined it was the starter, so we hit it with a hammer and lo and behold it started, HURRAY!! I made the decision that I would call mommy because I was a little strapped for cash. I had to get the car fixed today and before 6pm so I would at least be at work to close when everyone else was scheduled to leave. I called my manage and told him I would be in by 6om but I had to get the car fixed today because I wasn't going to be in this situation tomorrow.

I hate, HATE, H A T E, having to rely on anyone else, especially when it comes to my coming or going. I don't like the feeling of having my fate or schedule depend on someone else's. I hate the feeling of having to wait for another person so I can get to work on time, I start to get really anxious if they are even 2 minutes late when I have to be somewhere. I know this about myself so to save my friends from having to deal with the insanity that is me when I have to wait on them for a ride anywhere I don't let myself get into situations where I don't have control of when I can and can't leave. I could say this anxiety I feel comes from the fact my friends are notorious slackers who are late for everything, but I place the blame squarely on my mom.

My whole life my mom has always been late. for. everything. always. I learned at an early age I always gave mom the wrong time whenever I had to be anywhere. I would tell her I had to be there half an hour earlier than I actually had to be so that I was only 15 minutes late. There's a running joke in my family that for Thanksgiving and Christmas when we have it at my parents house that if Mom says dinner is at 4pm, we won't eat until at least 5pm. I live 45 minutes away from my parents, I usually don't leave until 15 minutes before the time I'm suppose to be there because as stated many times, I hate waiting around. I'm sure that's due to a lifetime of waiting on Mom. I spent a good chunk of my childhood waiting around for Mom. I'm amazed that my Dad hasn't gone crazy because he's the same as me, he won't wait around. Many a time he has just gotten in his truck, pulled it out of the garage and honked before Mom even realized he was outside already. More than a few times he's even just left, picked up dinner and brought it back before Mom has come up from her office in the basement to tell him she was ready. Dad is not a waiter.

After telling my manager and reassuring him I would be in by 6om I called my Mom. Thankfully Mom has her own business, it's a cleaning service (please admire the subtle irony in that for a moment if you've ever been to my house). She also has 4 cars that she gives to her teams that go clean for her. Mom doesn't personally go out and clean unless they are really really shorthanded. Don't let the fool you though, my Mom is a cleaning Nazi. Growing up one of my chores was the dishes, it wasn't enough to wash, dry and put away the dishes. I had to make sure the counters, table, stove and sink was completely wiped down as well and if I missed even one spot on the counter she zeroed in on and and I had to rewash all the dishes, redry them and put them back away along with rewiping down everything in the kitchen again. I think part of the reason I don't have a dresser to this day isn't because I have been procrastinating on actually buying one. No, I think it's due to the fact that dressers strike fear in my heart. When I was a kid if anything in my dresser drawers weren't perfectly folded, neatly side by side and in the proper drawer my Mom would dump every single drawer on my bed into one big pile then make me refold everything and put them all back into the proper drawer. I had one of those dressers that had 6 drawers! But enough of my childhood trauma for right now and back to my current grown up drama.

Being a little short on cash, I called my Mom, not really knowing what else to do and knowing that I had to get my car fixed today. Of course, her being my Mom, she as willing to help me but the catch was I had to drive my car down to her house to go to her mechanic and get the work done. She agreed to let me use one of her work vehicles to get to work on time if mine wasn't done before 5pm. Off to Mom's I went. She had to take my Grandma to a doctors appointment so my very punctual brother met me at the mechanics. He wasn't sure if they would be able to get a starter for my car because of course it being a sports car and apparently a kinda rare one the starter wasn't one that most people kept around. I learned much about my car today, like even though is says Dodge and make me believe it's an American car, it's not, the engine and all things under the hood are Mitsubishi. My car is Japanese American, I never knew it was so cultural. Also, it lies about it's age, the title says one year but the parts under the hood say it's a year older. That clinched it for me, my car is for sure a woman, even if she is green. Wait I stand corrected, she's jade green.

My brother, GI Bill brought me back to the parents where he still lives because he's in college and going back into the Army as soon as he gets his eye surgery done. We hung out for an hour then he had to leave. I ended up fixing his slow ass computer which only took about an hour. It's weird hanging out at my parents house when no one is there. I grew up in that house for the most part but I didn't feel like it was home anymore. I hadn't lived there in almost 15 years. Every room has been redone since I lived there so it's not like it even looks like the house I grew up in. Maybe it's just me but I felt out of place, almost like I was trespassing. A visitor who was just catching a glimpse of the life that my brother and parents had. Little notes and reminders on the corkboard in the kitchen that had nothing to do with me. It made me a little sad. The old saying is true you never can go home again, even for a few hours in the afternoon while waiting for your car to get fixed. I feel more at home hanging out at my sisters house by myself than I do at my parents house.

I ended up hanging out on the deck in the backyard talking to The Woman who informed me that I should have just called her first. I would have but I didn't because I figured 1. she didn't have a car to get me to and from work 2. she's always busy doing something or going somewhere and 3. I didn't want to bother her with my drama. They got my car done at 10 to 5 and it cost $360. The Woman also informed me that we probably could have just gotten the starter rebuilt for about $100. Great, so my paycheck next week goes to Mom to pay her back for the repair that The Woman could have gotten me for a third of that. There's a lesson here somewhere.

I Can Be So Emo

Disclaimer: this post is completely not thought out or in any type of order but I felt the need to get these thoughts out of my head as they are currently flowing through my mind at 100mph.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the bad and bullshit that sometimes I don't take the time to really appreciate the good and what I have accomplished in my life so far. I love someone who at this time can't show me the way they want to because of other things going on. Some might say than it's just words but I have faith that it isn't, life happens and sometimes the timing is off, that doesn't change how you feel. Though actions do speak louder than words, they have time to show me when they can. So it would be easy to concentrate on the bad: we can't be together, we can't fall asleep together, we arent' sharing our life together, blah blah blah, but all in due time. For now I think about the good and how I have someone who does love me and maybe they wouldn't give up everything for me right now but who knows what the future holds?

I was completely head over heels for my ex and would have done almost anything for her, except the one thing she really wanted me to do and that was give up everyone and everything I knew to move to Seattle with her. That didn't mean I didn't love her, because i did but I wasn't willing to make her my everything which is what would have happened if I would have moved with her. She would have been all I had at that point and that's a very very scary feeling. Knowing that you rely on this one other person for everything in that moment in time until you get your own feel for the new way things are. But that requires starting all over and I just wasn't willing to leave everyone I knew and loved to be with just her. I use to wonder about what if I would have gone with her, what if I would have said ok, how would things had turned out? Maybe in some alternative universe I did go and right now we are perfectly happy. But I live in this reality and the reality is, I get the fact that you can love someone with all you can but still not be willing to let go of everything you know and there's a very good chance that day might never come. I also believe that you can kind of ease into a new life, a little at a time without just jumping in head first until you get to the point where it no longer feels new and feels natural.

There was so much more i wanted to write but I think I'll end it here for now because I need to get some sleep.

What Do I Know?

This has been a crazy weekend that's for sure. As I said before I was just gonna do some things around the house and leave it at that.

2pm Friday afternoon found me at the local hardware store for the second time that week. I was on a mission, I knew what I had to get and what I needed to do. I needed a hose, a spray nozzle that would give off enough pressure to clean the outside of the trailer, a bucket, a long handled scrubbing brush, some strong cleaner, and a weed wacker. I had gotten all but the weed wacker when my phone rang.

"Hey, whacha up to?" I smiled immediately at the sound of Lucky's voice.

"I'm looking for a weed wacker, I haven't trimmed the lawn in like forever.." Ever say something and as soon as you said it you knew it sounded weird? Yeah me too, all the time.

"Really? Interesting. And just what kind of weed wacker are we talking here?" The way she said it I knew she was taking this conversation in a completely different direction than the one I had meant.

"The kind you use to cut the weeds growing around my house." I really didn't want to have psuedo phone sex in the middle of the Lawn and Garden section.

"Aww, that's too bad... I was hoping for something a bit more fun" Even though we were talking on the phone I swear I heard her wink.

"Yeah well you can come down and scrub my house with me. I can't think of anything more fun than that." By that point I had picked out a weed wacker (only 20 bucks!) and was making my way to the check out.

"Tempting but I have a better idea, why don't you come to Madison tonight, Obsessively Neat Girl* is having a party tonight."

"Eh, I'd love to but I have to work at 9am tomorrow and I have a ton of stuff to get done around my house. Besides she has like a party at least once a month and then spends the whole time running around freaking out about water rings on the tables, half filled cups everywhere and cigarette butts in the yard until she gets too drunk to really care." It was a very tempting offer though to hang out with Lucky but I knew there was no way with the drive I would make it to work on time the next day.

"Sounds like you've been before than?" she laughed a little, I do believe she was teasing me.

"Yeah a few times, not really worth driving up to Madison and back in one night." I didn't want her to think I was over eager to see her or anything because I mean, we're just friends, right?

"Oh maybe I won't bother than." I couldn't tell if she was just trying to play it cool or really didn't care one way or another. "What are you going to do tonight than?"

"Just staying home, like I said I have a ton of things to get done around the house." My life is just too exciting, I know.

"Ok if you change your mind or anything let me know." I was trying to load all my hardware store goods into the car while trying to pay attention to her but I suck at multitasking and it had just started raining. Working with cellphones I know better than to talk on the phone while it's raining.

"yeah, sure, ok, I've gotta go, I'll talk to you later." I really hoped she didn't think I was trying to brush her off or anything, I just needed to get into the dryness that was my car.

3pm Friday afternoon saw me outside in the rain, scrubbing the outside of my trailer with the items I had bought fr the hardware store. Who needed a power washer? I was doing it just fine. Granted I was a mess to look at between getting rained on and the water that was splashing off the house and back on me, my eyes burned and worst of all, my shoes where squishy. There is nothing worse on your feet than wet, squishy shoes. It only took me a couple hours but I got it all done, by myself. It would have been easier with a second person but sometimes you don't have that option so you just do what you can. The trailer did look much better so the effort was worth it in the end. The light rain that was coming down prevented me from being able to use my new weed wacker because it's an electric plug in kind. I'd just have to get to it sometime this weekend after work.

I was feeling very grubby so after a quick shower I decided I was going to spend some quality time with my PS2 for the evening. Fate, it seems, had much different plans for me that night.

7:30pm Friday evening found me in my Pj's, wearing my kickass ADIDAS hat backwards, sitting in my livingroom, playing video games, while eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, with Eminem blasting on the stereo. I was having a total teenage boy moment, so of course it had to be Lucky stopping by, because my house was only 2 hours out of the way. A mutual friend had told her exactly how to get to the trailer. Correction, ex mutal friend because I am so gonna kill her for not even giving me a heads up. Had I knew it was her I would have at least switched the Eminem for something a bit less "white boi thug". After getting over the initial shock of seeing Lucky standing on my deck while I was in my Charlie Brown PJ bottoms, I invite her in.

Anyone who's been to my house knows I'm a bit um, unorganized, to say the least, a fucking slob to say the worst. Though I have been cleaning a lot of crap out, so stay tuned for info on how you can own alittle piece of Stokley, or rather some crap I don't want anymore. But I digress.

I felt extremely self conscious and vulnerable because she had caught me completely off guard. Later she kinda admitted that she did it intentionally, knowing it would throw me off. She told me we were going out and there was nothing I could do about it because she wouldn't take no for an answer. After the usual I have to work, I'm not dressed to go out and those type of excuses I got dressed. She told me she came to spend some time with me this weekend because next weekend she wouldn't be able to hang out for my birthday. We ended up going to this Sushi place for dinner, it was really nice. She wanted to go to the club I spent most my weekends at so off to the club we went. Of course most my friends were there. I was actually pretty well behaved because I knew I had to work at 9am the next day. Everyone had a good time, there was no drama and that was a beautiful thing. After the club closed we went to IHOP with Mando, Lollipop, Token, DeeBee, Shiner and Toby. Around 4:30am we ended up going over to Mando's house for an after party. By than the light rain from the afternoon had passed so Mando build a fire in the backyard. I knew if I feel asleep at that point i would never wake up for work. We all sat around, talked, joked, it was a really relaxing good time. Lucky was getting along great with my friends and no one brought up any terribly embarassing stories about me which I was incredibly grateful for because if anyone had embarassing stories about me it was these people.

I must have dozed off for a little bit because the sun was coming up when Lucky woke me up. At some point I had fallen asleep with my head on her shoulder. It was almost 8am, I had to get home, shower, change and get my ass to work. Mando told Lucky she could crash there until I got off work. She of course accepted, I don't think Lolli gave her a choice, Madison was way too far to drive without having any sleep.

Work was unbareably long and I almost fell asleep a few times. After work I ran home to change and then went over to Mandos where everyone either still was or had come back. They all were watching some lame movie so I crawled into Mando's bed to get some sleep. Lucky said she could go for a nap, she had only slept for about 2 hours, so we cuddled up and fell asleep until a very drunk Token and Lolli woke us up around 11pm. Then it was on again, this time we went to Milwaukee and tore it up. Lucky left from Milwaukee to go home, not without trying to get me to go with her but again I had to work the next day. We had to say our good byes, it kind of sucked. We had hung out for 32 hours at that point, except for the 8 I had to work. It was really good, there was no expectations or weirdness, we just went with what ever we were feeling for the moment. There wasn't any pressure or akwardness. We talked like we had known each other for years. I'm really glad we had the chance to get to know each other better this weekend because she's the type of personI know instantly we are gonna be good friends. And so far we are.

What Am I Thinking?

Here it is 11am and I'm at work, trying everything I can to stay awake. Yesterday was suppose to be the day I got things around the house done, especially since the park manager had me directly in her crosshairs. I got one of her famously illegal 5 Day notices because I hadn't scrubbed the outside of my trailer. Did you know that stuff grows on the outside of trailers? It's true and gross. Knowing what a pain in the ass it would be I just did what I normally do when something seems like too much of a pain to deal with, I avoided it. Then I got the notice, along with another notice stating that the flowers and assorted green things I had growing around my house were not infact flowers or plants but weeds. They're pretty weeds if you ask me. Why are they considered weeds and there for eviction worthy when someone else can grow roses or what not? I mean what if I prefer the little purple flowers my weeds provide? Who's to say what is beautiful and what isn't? I thought it was all in the eye of the beholder... Apparently I am not doing my bit to make this a "Mobile Home Community".

I'm just way to tired to even write this all out so I'll leave you with this little teaser and I'll finish it up tomorrow, after I've had some sleep...

Note to Self

Dear Me,

I know you think you're the shit and all that but I hate to break it to you, at some point it just gets old, like you. Please for the love of Bob and all things warm and fuzzy in the world think about things before you do them.

Like what the fuck is the deal with taking in all types of transients and hoodlums? If these people couldn't pay rent at their current place of residence what makes you think they will with you? And really, do you have to give them chance after chance just because you feel bad for them? If they don't have the rent the first month chances are they aren't gonna have it any other month so why let this go on for months at a time and act grateful for the small amounts they do give you here and there? I know, you only make nice so they don't cut you in your sleep or rob you blind when you're at work and they are home all day because they don't work. Here's a thought, if you have to worry about that shit, you really shouldnt' let them live with you to begin with. As far as the rent goes, if they don't pay, fuck them, they gots to go, this isn't a flop house, you are not independantly wealthy and it's not your problem. Your house is not the wayward, down on their luck homeless lesbian shelter. You are not a non-for-profit! No one is paying your way and would anyone let yu live with them for free and feed you on top of it? No, this is a harsh world and I know somewhere you have picked up that hippy play it forward shit but cut it out! If I had to guess you picked this shit up from watching way too much Mr. Rogers as a kid. That dude had a whole fucking kingdom freeloading off him for over 22 years! There is no magic trolley, sweetie. You have to get your ass up and go to work every fucking day so why should you support roommates who think they don't have to? You're not even fucking them, so really what are you getting out of it? If you're that lonely buy a fucking puppy.

Going out every weekend and getting piss drunk with your friends is getting older than that 8 track player your (my) dad has in the garage. You are almost 30 years old, act like it. Get some fucking hobbies that don't involve any of the following: random hook ups in bathrooms, wondering who the fucks bed you're in, mysterious bruises, hosing down the deck after you or one of your fucked up friends spewed all over it, asking hot strangers if they want a drink, a pounding headache the next day. And speaking of drinking, why in Bob's name do you seem to think you can do shots of tequila all night like you're some frat boy? And the beer bong has got to go. Pass it down to one of your brothers, they're 21 and more suited for that type of activity. The only thing that you accomplish when you drink like that is making an ass of yourself, yet again at the bar and nursing one hell of a hang over the next day. I can only speak for myself, which is you as well, when I say laying on the couch all Saturday feeling like shit is not fun at all. I'm not saying never go out anymore but for fucks sake show a little moderation and add a little variety to life. The clubs are not the only option for Friday night. I don't mean to shock you but I promise you there are other things to do. I bet you can even find other people to do them with that you'll remember the next day. Branch out a bit.

I don't want to hurt your feelings on this next one but would it fucking kill you to actually clean your fucking house? Like not just doing a couple little things here and there. No, I'm talking about getting your ass off the computer and really cleaning the whole house, the dust in this place is killing my fucking allergies. When you have to really look to see if it's the cat or a dust bunny it's time to do something. You are not a rebellious teenager anymore, being a slob isn't a cute endearing quality, it's just pathetic and screams lazy. Cute, endearing slobs are only in movies, real people do not find mile high piles of dirty laundry cute. Take some pride, this is your place so act like it. Take care of all the shit you have worked your ass off to have. Oh and as an aside, clean some of the shit out, I mean really do you need 2 deep fryers, 3 slow cookers, and a quesida (however that's spelled) maker that has only seen the light of day once? And ok everyone gets it, you're a cool trendy Dj, do you really need to have all the lights, equipment and shit all over the house? Don't even get me started on all the Buffy shit either.

I love you, probably more than anyone else ever will except for The Boy, but let's try and go about things a bit more intelligently as we are about to start this next decade, ok? Thanks.

Love Always,
Me

7 Bad Habits of an Emotional Slacker

Tonight while on the phone with Lucky she called me an emotional slacker. What the hell is an emotional slacker? She clarified for me that an emotional slacker is one who doesn't put themselves out there for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification, but in an emotional sense. Yeah, I was still a little confused too. To provide me with a more clear view on what the hell she was going on about she tried to explain a bit more, I told her to talk to me like I was 5. I have always considered myself intelligent but sometimes she is on such a higher plane than me that I have a hard time grasping what it is she really means, or maybe she has just perfected the fine art of femme speak.

She went on to explain that I come off as the type that if there isn't an emotional instant gratification aspect in an interaction with someone I won't put any emotional energy into that person at all, I expect them to do all the work. Um, Huh? Ok talk to me like I'm 3. If I don't get what I want in my mind right away from someone I shut off on them emotionally. I don't allow time for things to develop. Not everyone goes with their instincts like I do, not every one recognizes exactly what they want in another person within the first 10 minutes. Oh, ok. I get that and I can see that to a certain point, this girl is smart. Though she is getting her PhD in Psychology. I don't see anything wrong with being like that personally. After a bit more of talking I felt like I was suppose to send her a check for the two hours she had just spent psychoanalizing me. Just joking, kinda. I could kind of see her point in the end. So in the interest of self discovery and all that stuff here are my 7 bad habits of being an emotional slacker.

1. I assume everyone knows exactly what they want in another person because I know when I see it
2. If I don't get the attention I demand right when I demand it I feel like the other person must not care
3. I over analyze EVERYTHING
4. I make snap judgements about other people and regardless if they prove to be different it's hard to change my mind about them once it's been made, for good or bad
5. I think I'm always right
6. I want what I can't have and don't want what I get easily
7. The moment I even think I have been even slightly rejected I become emotionally unavailable

Damn those are bad habits and granted I'm not completely inflexible I do tend to act this way with the majority of people. But all rules have exceptions and I have mine as well. There are a few people I haven't been like this with, and I have realized that those are the people that hurt me the worst. And I wonder why I can't substain a decent relationship? Or at least a healthy one?

Too Tired

Today I had to get my lazy ass up at 6:00am, well I was suppose to get up at 6:00am, I actually rolled out of bed at 6:30am. So of course I was running late and had to take the worlds fastest shower. Luckily, I had packed what I needed for today the night before so it wasn't a mad scramble to get everything together. Why the early hour and rush I'm sure you're asking by now? Glad you asked. I had an all day meeting for work at 8:30am and it was an hour and 15 minute drive there. I was making great time but then I took the wrogn damn exit and ended up being 15 minutes late, fuck. It went surprisingly fast considering we were suppose to get done at 5pm but actually got done at 3:00pm which was fine by me, the only bad part is I have to go back tomorrow. Considering I couldnt' fall asleep until 3am I am feeling it today. Having ADD makes these meeting for work extremely hard for me because I am overly concsious about fidgeting and talking too much. Both of which I do excessively but normally I have things to do that keep me busy. No such luck with these meetings, I have to sit there, take notes, do everything I can to pay attention and not just yell out, I can read the book, you don't have to read the slides to me! Today's meeting was different, the woman leading it was really engaging and actually kept my attention. The hours flew by and before I knew it the day was over. Now I'm home and I think I'm gonna take a nap. Damn I am getting old....

Handy I am not or Adventures with Gorilla Glue

As you might remember on Friday night I told the roommate she had better get me the rent or get her shit out, well she did neither so yesterday I changed the locks on my door, not that it really matters because my door is already jacked up. I could just try and tell you but this being a blog and all I'll show you. Brilliant idea, eh?




If you can't tell what my less than stellar photoshop skills are trying to point out is the door jam? Frame? The bit where the door actually closes into is all kinds of busted, funny story behind that. One night I came home piss drunk and my girlfriend at the time had locked me out. She was upset that I had gone out with my friends. Since I didn't drive I didn't think to bring my keys. That was one of the last times I made that mistake. So I banged on the door and she told me I could sleep on the deck. I told her to open the door, she told me to fuck off. I told her if she didn't open it I was gonna kick it in, she laughed and said yeah, right. I then got huffy and said I would really do it, she didn't believe me. I told her to stand back I was gonna kick it in, she told me if I did that she would kick my drunk ass. It was my turn to say yeah right. I changed tactics at that point and tried to sweet talk my way back on the house, she wasn't having it so I went back to the kicking in the door idea. She went back to the threatening to kick my ass idea, we were at an impasse. I did the only thing a girl can do when her girl locks her out and refuses to let her in, I kicked the damn door in. It seemed logical at the time. To this day I still think it was worth all the bitching and trying to figure out how to fix the damn thing just to see the look on her face. She was shocked, truth be told, I was shocked, didn't think it would be that easy to kick in a door. I felt so bad ass. For about 2 minutes then she looked at me, called me a a fucking moron and went to bed. She didn't talk to me for 2 days. I slept on the couch that night because I couldn't get the door to close. The next day I spent half the day nailing the piece I had broke off back onto the door but it had never been the same since.

One week after my roommate moved in, she broke the door at 3am in the morning. I made her renail it enough to at least close for the rest of the night and the next day she put even more nails into the damn thing. Well yesterday I bought a new lock since i hadn't heard from her and didn't want her coming in here while I was at work and cleaning me out. I quickly realized that changing the locks really wouldn't matter if all she had to do was push on it hard enough to pull out the nails. That's when I got my great idea, and I say that with a bit of sarcasm.

When I was at the hardware store getting a new lock I also grabbed a thing of Gorilla Glue. Allow me to just pause the story here to make an observation about myself. I was at the hardware store, which is suppose to be the natural habitat for a boi like me, and I had no freaking clue what 90% of the shit there does or is for. I am seriously lacking in the handywoman skills department. I did buy a book that is suppose to show you how to fix and or do everything from electrical to installing a new toilet to fixing a clogged dishwasher, but I found it lacking in the ex-roommate proofing the door you kicked in 2 years ago department. Feeling very boi-ish and pumped from my trip to Home Depot, I set about finally fixing the damn door and changing the lock. First I pried the broken wood bit away from the main door bit and just oozed the Gorilla glue into the resulting space. Word of warning, that shit is worse than crazy glue once it dries, I am not fooling around and neither is this glue. I have a toothpick I was using to keep the glue in the crack that I had to break off the floor where I set it down when I pounded the wood bit and nails back into the main door part. I think it took me longer to get the frickin toothpick off the floor than it did to fix the door part. Once that was done I quickly took off the old doorknob and replaced it with the new one I had just bought.




Yay me!! I'm not sure if it will hold if she's all extra determined to get in but hopefully it will work enough to make her think twice about trying to force the door open. What I could really use is a really fierce dog that would attack anyone who came busting through my door but I guess that wouldn't work if it was a former roommate because than the dog would already know said roommate. What I need is a friend to just hang out at my house during the day, like a housesitter but just during the day. Can you tell I have major issues due to being robbed before from my former ex? Lucky told me if I was that paranoid about it I should just spend the hundred bucks it would cost to just fix the whole freaking door frame. I have hope that maybe the book I bought will show me how to do it and that I suddenly develop handyboi type skills over night. You can't expect me to be great with my hands with EVERYTHING, they're quite good for other things.

Photo Goodness

A blog without pics is like Mac N Cheese without the hotdogs, it just doesn't feel right, so here is my big photo post with stories (kinda)!


This is the most recent picture I have of me. It was taken Aug. 5th. My hair looked much better before everyone had started playing with it. Notice the glasses.. yes I am obsessed with these glasses because I seriously spent 2 months picking out a pair. My face is red but I wasn't drunk in this picture, I had been out in the sun all day. OK I will admit I was a little buzzed, but I don't believe I did any drunk dialing that night.


This is midsummer, so around the beginning of July. It was right before I got my new glasses. I tried to drunk dial someone but her phone was out of minutes so it didn't go through, which maybe in retrospect is a good thing because I have no clue what I would have said. Probably not the right thing even though I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say to make it all better. Looking at these pics, I realize I wear my Ramones shirt a lot.


This is a few hours later and yeah, considering the shape I was in I'm thinking it's good her phone was out of minutes because I would have probably sworn my eternal love and devotion or something equally stupid like that. My hair wasn't looking so great by that time either. I have no clue what I am posting this pic considering I look like the biggest dork in it but I know it will make a couple people at least giggle, so it's all good.


This is Me, RayRay, Lemon Drop, Irish and Maddy. This was taken at the beginning of summer so back in late May. It's always a good time when Irish comes down from Miltown. See how red my face is? Yeah I was drunk. I think I had dyed my hair earlier that day, hence the extreme color.


This is my Gay Boy, Token. This is the scrubbiest I have ever seen him out. I have seen him scrubbier but that's usually when I walk out into my livingroom the next morning and he's passed out on my couch from the night before. The scary thing is, he's not even drunk in this pic, he's just really annoyed because his boyfriend was being an ass that night. I so heart my Gay Boy. I have watched this kid grow up from a little underage hood sneaking into the clubs with a fake ID to a pretty cool guy who is finally getting his shit together. Oh and he's the one who stuck the straws up my nose in that one pic.


This is Mando and her girl, Lollipop. They are too freakin' cute together, seriously. They are incredibly happy and perfect together. To see them together you would swear they had just started dating but nope, they have been in the honeymoon stage for close to a year now. This pic is a little older, as if you couldn't tell from the date stamp on there.

So here's a few pics of me and the people in my life, so you at least have some idea what some of them look like.