The last week has been one big rush filled with too many things to squeeze in while working all day. Of course the weekend was fill with tons of Birthday fun. I had a couple friends come from out of town to celebrate with me. Hawk came up from her exile in South Carolina to hang out and Leelee came from Boston to hang. I knew Hawk was coming but Leelee completely surprised me! She was suppose to be going from Boston to Austin this week but she decided to stop over to spend some time with me and our friends along with taking the time to see her parents who still live around here. I haven't seen her since she came to visit last Christmas.
I really love spending time with Leelee, she's the only person who will have all night talks about politics and how to change the world with me. She's been living in Boston for the last year with her girlfriend. Now she's off to Austin to finish school and find herself. I can understand the feeling. Lately I have been thinking I need a change.
Yesterday was Mando's birthday so we had a cook out and bonfire at her house, it was a blast. It was great to just be surrounded by the people you have so much history with. Not to say there wasn't a few new people hanging about because there was. Ms. Lucky herself graced us by coming down for the bonfire, Mando had invited her and she didn't tell me. Sneaky girl that one is. I hung out a bit longer than I should have considering I had to work today but it was worth it. I was good though and didn't drink even though Leelee picked up a couple bottles of Boones. She said it was to remind us of all the times we had gotten piss drunk on it during our misspent youth. Yeah those were days I was unable to relive last night as I had adult responsibilities to take care of today.
Leelee and I went out for dinner tonight after I got off work. We had a really long conversation about life, the universe and the evil of Bush. Now I am sitting here still thinking about it. Lately it seems like everyone around me is moving on to these big important periods in their lives and I'm still here, doing the same thing. Hawk moved to SC to get her shit together and get out of debt. Mando and Lolli are talking about having a baby. Leelee is going to Austin to get her Masters. Lucky is getting her PhD. Token is leaving in the spring to go to Europe to bum around for a year with his boyfriend. Jane Danger is starting a new band with Chippy. Chris Piss moved to San Francisco with his boyfriend this summer. The most life changing thing I've done lately is buy a new area rug for the kitchen. Which is a bit life changing if you knew how unhappy I was with the kitchen floor before hand.
I have been looking into going back to school, especially because my company will pay for it 100% so I would be a fool not to take advantage of that. The trouble I'm having is figuring out what I want to go to school for. I know something computer related but that still leaves so many choices. I want to be the person who gets to choose and test the new phones because we have been getting some really shit phones lately. I also want to travel but doesn't everyone? I want to go to Europe and Australia, maybe even South America. And of course Japan because that's where all the cool electronics come from.
I'm just tired of doing the same thing day in day out, year in year out while everyone else is moving forward. So instead if just bitching about it, I'm going to do something about it, especially since I have the opportunity to do so.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
I don't feel older
I've been 30 for 24 hours now and I don't feel different. I didn't wake up yesterday morning with the urge to clean the house, get a new shower curtain to replace the one that's kind of barely hanging in there or feel a sudden need to read the business section in Sunday's paper. It felt like any other day really, not a milestone in my life. Cleaning the house didn't seem any more fun and playing video games didn't feel any less fun. In all reality there wasn't any change that I could tell. Perhaps the "time to be an adult" gene that's suppose to kick in when you turn 30 malfunctioned? Maybe I am just lacking that gene? Everyone says 30 is the new 20 but in retrospect, I don't think I want to redo my 20's. I don't think I would survive a second time around.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to change with the start of a new decade in my life but I expected to feel something different. I have been noticing gradual changes in the last couple years, maybe that was just the build up to turning 30? I know that I have changed since I was 20.
Than: If a girl told me she loved me I'd run away Now: If a girl tells me she loves me I get warm fuzzies.
Than: I could stay up all night drinking with my friends, make it to work and be fine with only an hour of sleep Now: If I go out drinking all night with my friends I'm hurting for the next day at least, forget working.
Than: I went to Raves almost every weekend and took massive amounts of drugs. Now: I hang out with my friends at the same tired club most weekends and take massive amounts of drugs for my allergies.
Than: I would DJ at a lot of the Raves. Now: I DJ'ed my nieces Sweet 16 party.
Than: My friends and I would play marathon games of Tetris. Now: My nephew and I kick each others ass at Mortal Kombat.
Than: I worked at a summer camp for fun and lived off money my friends and I made from selling certain substances. Now: I work full time and live for my 2 weeks off a year.
Than: I lived in this crappy little two room apartment Now: I live in a less crappy tin box that I at least own.
Than: I made mixtapes that really were tapes. Now: I make awesome CD's that I can edit and add effects to.
Than: The thought of a family and being with the same person forever seemed so lame. Now: The thought of a family and being with the same person forever seems nice.
Even though some things have changed, fundamentally I've stayed the same. I might not be exactly where I planned on being at 30 but given what I was doing 10 years ago, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I should be.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to change with the start of a new decade in my life but I expected to feel something different. I have been noticing gradual changes in the last couple years, maybe that was just the build up to turning 30? I know that I have changed since I was 20.
Than: If a girl told me she loved me I'd run away Now: If a girl tells me she loves me I get warm fuzzies.
Than: I could stay up all night drinking with my friends, make it to work and be fine with only an hour of sleep Now: If I go out drinking all night with my friends I'm hurting for the next day at least, forget working.
Than: I went to Raves almost every weekend and took massive amounts of drugs. Now: I hang out with my friends at the same tired club most weekends and take massive amounts of drugs for my allergies.
Than: I would DJ at a lot of the Raves. Now: I DJ'ed my nieces Sweet 16 party.
Than: My friends and I would play marathon games of Tetris. Now: My nephew and I kick each others ass at Mortal Kombat.
Than: I worked at a summer camp for fun and lived off money my friends and I made from selling certain substances. Now: I work full time and live for my 2 weeks off a year.
Than: I lived in this crappy little two room apartment Now: I live in a less crappy tin box that I at least own.
Than: I made mixtapes that really were tapes. Now: I make awesome CD's that I can edit and add effects to.
Than: The thought of a family and being with the same person forever seemed so lame. Now: The thought of a family and being with the same person forever seems nice.
Even though some things have changed, fundamentally I've stayed the same. I might not be exactly where I planned on being at 30 but given what I was doing 10 years ago, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I should be.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Creepy
I never hold much stock in those online quizzes but this color quiz one really is creepy in how close to me it is.
Your Existing Situation
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified. Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.
Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but is inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied to her.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition. Alert and keenly observant. Is seeking fresh avenues offering greater freedom and the chance to make the most of them. Wants to prove herself and to achieve recognition. Striving to bridge the gap which she feels separates her from others.
Your Actual Problem
Afraid that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants and therefore demands that others should recognize her right to them.
Your Actual Problem #2
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards. Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
Your Existing Situation
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified. Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.
Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but is inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied to her.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish herself and to make herself independent despite the difficulties of her situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition. Alert and keenly observant. Is seeking fresh avenues offering greater freedom and the chance to make the most of them. Wants to prove herself and to achieve recognition. Striving to bridge the gap which she feels separates her from others.
Your Actual Problem
Afraid that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants and therefore demands that others should recognize her right to them.
Your Actual Problem #2
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards. Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
Problems with Starting
Today was long and expensive. My car has been having starting issues for a while now and me being the perfect procrastinator kept putting it off until this morning when I went to go to work and it wouldn't start. I tried and I tried because lately it had been taking like 50 turns to get it to turn over, but alas today not even 100 turns got it to start. I called work and told them I would be a little late, it was 10 minutes to 11am which is the time I usually start. Yes I don't start work until 11am and I get up around 10am everyday, that's why I bitch when I have to work at 9am. I know to some that's late but to me 9am is too early to even think, let alone have to be on top of my game at work. I have never been a morning person, even when there was Saturday morning cartoons, I wasn't a morning person but I forced myself to get up all extra early on Saturdays because the Smurfs rocked my world and the programming God's were smart to put them on first thing to get us kids up early, glued to the TV for the rest of the morning. But as usual, I digress.
Finally 20 after 11 I had to finally accept the fact that the car was not starting. I called work and one of the girls I work with volunteered to come pick me up. Since I had taken a week off for vacation I was still a little short on my quota and didn't want to have to miss any work. Harley came and it was only after she got to my house that we stopped to think about how the hell I was suppose to get home that night seeing as I was the closer that night, let alone how the hell I would get to work the next day. We messed around with the car for a bit and determined it was the starter, so we hit it with a hammer and lo and behold it started, HURRAY!! I made the decision that I would call mommy because I was a little strapped for cash. I had to get the car fixed today and before 6pm so I would at least be at work to close when everyone else was scheduled to leave. I called my manage and told him I would be in by 6om but I had to get the car fixed today because I wasn't going to be in this situation tomorrow.
I hate, HATE, H A T E, having to rely on anyone else, especially when it comes to my coming or going. I don't like the feeling of having my fate or schedule depend on someone else's. I hate the feeling of having to wait for another person so I can get to work on time, I start to get really anxious if they are even 2 minutes late when I have to be somewhere. I know this about myself so to save my friends from having to deal with the insanity that is me when I have to wait on them for a ride anywhere I don't let myself get into situations where I don't have control of when I can and can't leave. I could say this anxiety I feel comes from the fact my friends are notorious slackers who are late for everything, but I place the blame squarely on my mom.
My whole life my mom has always been late. for. everything. always. I learned at an early age I always gave mom the wrong time whenever I had to be anywhere. I would tell her I had to be there half an hour earlier than I actually had to be so that I was only 15 minutes late. There's a running joke in my family that for Thanksgiving and Christmas when we have it at my parents house that if Mom says dinner is at 4pm, we won't eat until at least 5pm. I live 45 minutes away from my parents, I usually don't leave until 15 minutes before the time I'm suppose to be there because as stated many times, I hate waiting around. I'm sure that's due to a lifetime of waiting on Mom. I spent a good chunk of my childhood waiting around for Mom. I'm amazed that my Dad hasn't gone crazy because he's the same as me, he won't wait around. Many a time he has just gotten in his truck, pulled it out of the garage and honked before Mom even realized he was outside already. More than a few times he's even just left, picked up dinner and brought it back before Mom has come up from her office in the basement to tell him she was ready. Dad is not a waiter.
After telling my manager and reassuring him I would be in by 6om I called my Mom. Thankfully Mom has her own business, it's a cleaning service (please admire the subtle irony in that for a moment if you've ever been to my house). She also has 4 cars that she gives to her teams that go clean for her. Mom doesn't personally go out and clean unless they are really really shorthanded. Don't let the fool you though, my Mom is a cleaning Nazi. Growing up one of my chores was the dishes, it wasn't enough to wash, dry and put away the dishes. I had to make sure the counters, table, stove and sink was completely wiped down as well and if I missed even one spot on the counter she zeroed in on and and I had to rewash all the dishes, redry them and put them back away along with rewiping down everything in the kitchen again. I think part of the reason I don't have a dresser to this day isn't because I have been procrastinating on actually buying one. No, I think it's due to the fact that dressers strike fear in my heart. When I was a kid if anything in my dresser drawers weren't perfectly folded, neatly side by side and in the proper drawer my Mom would dump every single drawer on my bed into one big pile then make me refold everything and put them all back into the proper drawer. I had one of those dressers that had 6 drawers! But enough of my childhood trauma for right now and back to my current grown up drama.
Being a little short on cash, I called my Mom, not really knowing what else to do and knowing that I had to get my car fixed today. Of course, her being my Mom, she as willing to help me but the catch was I had to drive my car down to her house to go to her mechanic and get the work done. She agreed to let me use one of her work vehicles to get to work on time if mine wasn't done before 5pm. Off to Mom's I went. She had to take my Grandma to a doctors appointment so my very punctual brother met me at the mechanics. He wasn't sure if they would be able to get a starter for my car because of course it being a sports car and apparently a kinda rare one the starter wasn't one that most people kept around. I learned much about my car today, like even though is says Dodge and make me believe it's an American car, it's not, the engine and all things under the hood are Mitsubishi. My car is Japanese American, I never knew it was so cultural. Also, it lies about it's age, the title says one year but the parts under the hood say it's a year older. That clinched it for me, my car is for sure a woman, even if she is green. Wait I stand corrected, she's jade green.
My brother, GI Bill brought me back to the parents where he still lives because he's in college and going back into the Army as soon as he gets his eye surgery done. We hung out for an hour then he had to leave. I ended up fixing his slow ass computer which only took about an hour. It's weird hanging out at my parents house when no one is there. I grew up in that house for the most part but I didn't feel like it was home anymore. I hadn't lived there in almost 15 years. Every room has been redone since I lived there so it's not like it even looks like the house I grew up in. Maybe it's just me but I felt out of place, almost like I was trespassing. A visitor who was just catching a glimpse of the life that my brother and parents had. Little notes and reminders on the corkboard in the kitchen that had nothing to do with me. It made me a little sad. The old saying is true you never can go home again, even for a few hours in the afternoon while waiting for your car to get fixed. I feel more at home hanging out at my sisters house by myself than I do at my parents house.
I ended up hanging out on the deck in the backyard talking to The Woman who informed me that I should have just called her first. I would have but I didn't because I figured 1. she didn't have a car to get me to and from work 2. she's always busy doing something or going somewhere and 3. I didn't want to bother her with my drama. They got my car done at 10 to 5 and it cost $360. The Woman also informed me that we probably could have just gotten the starter rebuilt for about $100. Great, so my paycheck next week goes to Mom to pay her back for the repair that The Woman could have gotten me for a third of that. There's a lesson here somewhere.
Finally 20 after 11 I had to finally accept the fact that the car was not starting. I called work and one of the girls I work with volunteered to come pick me up. Since I had taken a week off for vacation I was still a little short on my quota and didn't want to have to miss any work. Harley came and it was only after she got to my house that we stopped to think about how the hell I was suppose to get home that night seeing as I was the closer that night, let alone how the hell I would get to work the next day. We messed around with the car for a bit and determined it was the starter, so we hit it with a hammer and lo and behold it started, HURRAY!! I made the decision that I would call mommy because I was a little strapped for cash. I had to get the car fixed today and before 6pm so I would at least be at work to close when everyone else was scheduled to leave. I called my manage and told him I would be in by 6om but I had to get the car fixed today because I wasn't going to be in this situation tomorrow.
I hate, HATE, H A T E, having to rely on anyone else, especially when it comes to my coming or going. I don't like the feeling of having my fate or schedule depend on someone else's. I hate the feeling of having to wait for another person so I can get to work on time, I start to get really anxious if they are even 2 minutes late when I have to be somewhere. I know this about myself so to save my friends from having to deal with the insanity that is me when I have to wait on them for a ride anywhere I don't let myself get into situations where I don't have control of when I can and can't leave. I could say this anxiety I feel comes from the fact my friends are notorious slackers who are late for everything, but I place the blame squarely on my mom.
My whole life my mom has always been late. for. everything. always. I learned at an early age I always gave mom the wrong time whenever I had to be anywhere. I would tell her I had to be there half an hour earlier than I actually had to be so that I was only 15 minutes late. There's a running joke in my family that for Thanksgiving and Christmas when we have it at my parents house that if Mom says dinner is at 4pm, we won't eat until at least 5pm. I live 45 minutes away from my parents, I usually don't leave until 15 minutes before the time I'm suppose to be there because as stated many times, I hate waiting around. I'm sure that's due to a lifetime of waiting on Mom. I spent a good chunk of my childhood waiting around for Mom. I'm amazed that my Dad hasn't gone crazy because he's the same as me, he won't wait around. Many a time he has just gotten in his truck, pulled it out of the garage and honked before Mom even realized he was outside already. More than a few times he's even just left, picked up dinner and brought it back before Mom has come up from her office in the basement to tell him she was ready. Dad is not a waiter.
After telling my manager and reassuring him I would be in by 6om I called my Mom. Thankfully Mom has her own business, it's a cleaning service (please admire the subtle irony in that for a moment if you've ever been to my house). She also has 4 cars that she gives to her teams that go clean for her. Mom doesn't personally go out and clean unless they are really really shorthanded. Don't let the fool you though, my Mom is a cleaning Nazi. Growing up one of my chores was the dishes, it wasn't enough to wash, dry and put away the dishes. I had to make sure the counters, table, stove and sink was completely wiped down as well and if I missed even one spot on the counter she zeroed in on and and I had to rewash all the dishes, redry them and put them back away along with rewiping down everything in the kitchen again. I think part of the reason I don't have a dresser to this day isn't because I have been procrastinating on actually buying one. No, I think it's due to the fact that dressers strike fear in my heart. When I was a kid if anything in my dresser drawers weren't perfectly folded, neatly side by side and in the proper drawer my Mom would dump every single drawer on my bed into one big pile then make me refold everything and put them all back into the proper drawer. I had one of those dressers that had 6 drawers! But enough of my childhood trauma for right now and back to my current grown up drama.
Being a little short on cash, I called my Mom, not really knowing what else to do and knowing that I had to get my car fixed today. Of course, her being my Mom, she as willing to help me but the catch was I had to drive my car down to her house to go to her mechanic and get the work done. She agreed to let me use one of her work vehicles to get to work on time if mine wasn't done before 5pm. Off to Mom's I went. She had to take my Grandma to a doctors appointment so my very punctual brother met me at the mechanics. He wasn't sure if they would be able to get a starter for my car because of course it being a sports car and apparently a kinda rare one the starter wasn't one that most people kept around. I learned much about my car today, like even though is says Dodge and make me believe it's an American car, it's not, the engine and all things under the hood are Mitsubishi. My car is Japanese American, I never knew it was so cultural. Also, it lies about it's age, the title says one year but the parts under the hood say it's a year older. That clinched it for me, my car is for sure a woman, even if she is green. Wait I stand corrected, she's jade green.
My brother, GI Bill brought me back to the parents where he still lives because he's in college and going back into the Army as soon as he gets his eye surgery done. We hung out for an hour then he had to leave. I ended up fixing his slow ass computer which only took about an hour. It's weird hanging out at my parents house when no one is there. I grew up in that house for the most part but I didn't feel like it was home anymore. I hadn't lived there in almost 15 years. Every room has been redone since I lived there so it's not like it even looks like the house I grew up in. Maybe it's just me but I felt out of place, almost like I was trespassing. A visitor who was just catching a glimpse of the life that my brother and parents had. Little notes and reminders on the corkboard in the kitchen that had nothing to do with me. It made me a little sad. The old saying is true you never can go home again, even for a few hours in the afternoon while waiting for your car to get fixed. I feel more at home hanging out at my sisters house by myself than I do at my parents house.
I ended up hanging out on the deck in the backyard talking to The Woman who informed me that I should have just called her first. I would have but I didn't because I figured 1. she didn't have a car to get me to and from work 2. she's always busy doing something or going somewhere and 3. I didn't want to bother her with my drama. They got my car done at 10 to 5 and it cost $360. The Woman also informed me that we probably could have just gotten the starter rebuilt for about $100. Great, so my paycheck next week goes to Mom to pay her back for the repair that The Woman could have gotten me for a third of that. There's a lesson here somewhere.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
I Can Be So Emo
Disclaimer: this post is completely not thought out or in any type of order but I felt the need to get these thoughts out of my head as they are currently flowing through my mind at 100mph.
It's so easy to get caught up in all the bad and bullshit that sometimes I don't take the time to really appreciate the good and what I have accomplished in my life so far. I love someone who at this time can't show me the way they want to because of other things going on. Some might say than it's just words but I have faith that it isn't, life happens and sometimes the timing is off, that doesn't change how you feel. Though actions do speak louder than words, they have time to show me when they can. So it would be easy to concentrate on the bad: we can't be together, we can't fall asleep together, we arent' sharing our life together, blah blah blah, but all in due time. For now I think about the good and how I have someone who does love me and maybe they wouldn't give up everything for me right now but who knows what the future holds?
I was completely head over heels for my ex and would have done almost anything for her, except the one thing she really wanted me to do and that was give up everyone and everything I knew to move to Seattle with her. That didn't mean I didn't love her, because i did but I wasn't willing to make her my everything which is what would have happened if I would have moved with her. She would have been all I had at that point and that's a very very scary feeling. Knowing that you rely on this one other person for everything in that moment in time until you get your own feel for the new way things are. But that requires starting all over and I just wasn't willing to leave everyone I knew and loved to be with just her. I use to wonder about what if I would have gone with her, what if I would have said ok, how would things had turned out? Maybe in some alternative universe I did go and right now we are perfectly happy. But I live in this reality and the reality is, I get the fact that you can love someone with all you can but still not be willing to let go of everything you know and there's a very good chance that day might never come. I also believe that you can kind of ease into a new life, a little at a time without just jumping in head first until you get to the point where it no longer feels new and feels natural.
There was so much more i wanted to write but I think I'll end it here for now because I need to get some sleep.
It's so easy to get caught up in all the bad and bullshit that sometimes I don't take the time to really appreciate the good and what I have accomplished in my life so far. I love someone who at this time can't show me the way they want to because of other things going on. Some might say than it's just words but I have faith that it isn't, life happens and sometimes the timing is off, that doesn't change how you feel. Though actions do speak louder than words, they have time to show me when they can. So it would be easy to concentrate on the bad: we can't be together, we can't fall asleep together, we arent' sharing our life together, blah blah blah, but all in due time. For now I think about the good and how I have someone who does love me and maybe they wouldn't give up everything for me right now but who knows what the future holds?
I was completely head over heels for my ex and would have done almost anything for her, except the one thing she really wanted me to do and that was give up everyone and everything I knew to move to Seattle with her. That didn't mean I didn't love her, because i did but I wasn't willing to make her my everything which is what would have happened if I would have moved with her. She would have been all I had at that point and that's a very very scary feeling. Knowing that you rely on this one other person for everything in that moment in time until you get your own feel for the new way things are. But that requires starting all over and I just wasn't willing to leave everyone I knew and loved to be with just her. I use to wonder about what if I would have gone with her, what if I would have said ok, how would things had turned out? Maybe in some alternative universe I did go and right now we are perfectly happy. But I live in this reality and the reality is, I get the fact that you can love someone with all you can but still not be willing to let go of everything you know and there's a very good chance that day might never come. I also believe that you can kind of ease into a new life, a little at a time without just jumping in head first until you get to the point where it no longer feels new and feels natural.
There was so much more i wanted to write but I think I'll end it here for now because I need to get some sleep.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
What Do I Know?
This has been a crazy weekend that's for sure. As I said before I was just gonna do some things around the house and leave it at that.
2pm Friday afternoon found me at the local hardware store for the second time that week. I was on a mission, I knew what I had to get and what I needed to do. I needed a hose, a spray nozzle that would give off enough pressure to clean the outside of the trailer, a bucket, a long handled scrubbing brush, some strong cleaner, and a weed wacker. I had gotten all but the weed wacker when my phone rang.
"Hey, whacha up to?" I smiled immediately at the sound of Lucky's voice.
"I'm looking for a weed wacker, I haven't trimmed the lawn in like forever.." Ever say something and as soon as you said it you knew it sounded weird? Yeah me too, all the time.
"Really? Interesting. And just what kind of weed wacker are we talking here?" The way she said it I knew she was taking this conversation in a completely different direction than the one I had meant.
"The kind you use to cut the weeds growing around my house." I really didn't want to have psuedo phone sex in the middle of the Lawn and Garden section.
"Aww, that's too bad... I was hoping for something a bit more fun" Even though we were talking on the phone I swear I heard her wink.
"Yeah well you can come down and scrub my house with me. I can't think of anything more fun than that." By that point I had picked out a weed wacker (only 20 bucks!) and was making my way to the check out.
"Tempting but I have a better idea, why don't you come to Madison tonight, Obsessively Neat Girl* is having a party tonight."
"Eh, I'd love to but I have to work at 9am tomorrow and I have a ton of stuff to get done around my house. Besides she has like a party at least once a month and then spends the whole time running around freaking out about water rings on the tables, half filled cups everywhere and cigarette butts in the yard until she gets too drunk to really care." It was a very tempting offer though to hang out with Lucky but I knew there was no way with the drive I would make it to work on time the next day.
"Sounds like you've been before than?" she laughed a little, I do believe she was teasing me.
"Yeah a few times, not really worth driving up to Madison and back in one night." I didn't want her to think I was over eager to see her or anything because I mean, we're just friends, right?
"Oh maybe I won't bother than." I couldn't tell if she was just trying to play it cool or really didn't care one way or another. "What are you going to do tonight than?"
"Just staying home, like I said I have a ton of things to get done around the house." My life is just too exciting, I know.
"Ok if you change your mind or anything let me know." I was trying to load all my hardware store goods into the car while trying to pay attention to her but I suck at multitasking and it had just started raining. Working with cellphones I know better than to talk on the phone while it's raining.
"yeah, sure, ok, I've gotta go, I'll talk to you later." I really hoped she didn't think I was trying to brush her off or anything, I just needed to get into the dryness that was my car.
3pm Friday afternoon saw me outside in the rain, scrubbing the outside of my trailer with the items I had bought fr the hardware store. Who needed a power washer? I was doing it just fine. Granted I was a mess to look at between getting rained on and the water that was splashing off the house and back on me, my eyes burned and worst of all, my shoes where squishy. There is nothing worse on your feet than wet, squishy shoes. It only took me a couple hours but I got it all done, by myself. It would have been easier with a second person but sometimes you don't have that option so you just do what you can. The trailer did look much better so the effort was worth it in the end. The light rain that was coming down prevented me from being able to use my new weed wacker because it's an electric plug in kind. I'd just have to get to it sometime this weekend after work.
I was feeling very grubby so after a quick shower I decided I was going to spend some quality time with my PS2 for the evening. Fate, it seems, had much different plans for me that night.
7:30pm Friday evening found me in my Pj's, wearing my kickass ADIDAS hat backwards, sitting in my livingroom, playing video games, while eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, with Eminem blasting on the stereo. I was having a total teenage boy moment, so of course it had to be Lucky stopping by, because my house was only 2 hours out of the way. A mutual friend had told her exactly how to get to the trailer. Correction, ex mutal friend because I am so gonna kill her for not even giving me a heads up. Had I knew it was her I would have at least switched the Eminem for something a bit less "white boi thug". After getting over the initial shock of seeing Lucky standing on my deck while I was in my Charlie Brown PJ bottoms, I invite her in.
Anyone who's been to my house knows I'm a bit um, unorganized, to say the least, a fucking slob to say the worst. Though I have been cleaning a lot of crap out, so stay tuned for info on how you can own alittle piece of Stokley, or rather some crap I don't want anymore. But I digress.
I felt extremely self conscious and vulnerable because she had caught me completely off guard. Later she kinda admitted that she did it intentionally, knowing it would throw me off. She told me we were going out and there was nothing I could do about it because she wouldn't take no for an answer. After the usual I have to work, I'm not dressed to go out and those type of excuses I got dressed. She told me she came to spend some time with me this weekend because next weekend she wouldn't be able to hang out for my birthday. We ended up going to this Sushi place for dinner, it was really nice. She wanted to go to the club I spent most my weekends at so off to the club we went. Of course most my friends were there. I was actually pretty well behaved because I knew I had to work at 9am the next day. Everyone had a good time, there was no drama and that was a beautiful thing. After the club closed we went to IHOP with Mando, Lollipop, Token, DeeBee, Shiner and Toby. Around 4:30am we ended up going over to Mando's house for an after party. By than the light rain from the afternoon had passed so Mando build a fire in the backyard. I knew if I feel asleep at that point i would never wake up for work. We all sat around, talked, joked, it was a really relaxing good time. Lucky was getting along great with my friends and no one brought up any terribly embarassing stories about me which I was incredibly grateful for because if anyone had embarassing stories about me it was these people.
I must have dozed off for a little bit because the sun was coming up when Lucky woke me up. At some point I had fallen asleep with my head on her shoulder. It was almost 8am, I had to get home, shower, change and get my ass to work. Mando told Lucky she could crash there until I got off work. She of course accepted, I don't think Lolli gave her a choice, Madison was way too far to drive without having any sleep.
Work was unbareably long and I almost fell asleep a few times. After work I ran home to change and then went over to Mandos where everyone either still was or had come back. They all were watching some lame movie so I crawled into Mando's bed to get some sleep. Lucky said she could go for a nap, she had only slept for about 2 hours, so we cuddled up and fell asleep until a very drunk Token and Lolli woke us up around 11pm. Then it was on again, this time we went to Milwaukee and tore it up. Lucky left from Milwaukee to go home, not without trying to get me to go with her but again I had to work the next day. We had to say our good byes, it kind of sucked. We had hung out for 32 hours at that point, except for the 8 I had to work. It was really good, there was no expectations or weirdness, we just went with what ever we were feeling for the moment. There wasn't any pressure or akwardness. We talked like we had known each other for years. I'm really glad we had the chance to get to know each other better this weekend because she's the type of personI know instantly we are gonna be good friends. And so far we are.
2pm Friday afternoon found me at the local hardware store for the second time that week. I was on a mission, I knew what I had to get and what I needed to do. I needed a hose, a spray nozzle that would give off enough pressure to clean the outside of the trailer, a bucket, a long handled scrubbing brush, some strong cleaner, and a weed wacker. I had gotten all but the weed wacker when my phone rang.
"Hey, whacha up to?" I smiled immediately at the sound of Lucky's voice.
"I'm looking for a weed wacker, I haven't trimmed the lawn in like forever.." Ever say something and as soon as you said it you knew it sounded weird? Yeah me too, all the time.
"Really? Interesting. And just what kind of weed wacker are we talking here?" The way she said it I knew she was taking this conversation in a completely different direction than the one I had meant.
"The kind you use to cut the weeds growing around my house." I really didn't want to have psuedo phone sex in the middle of the Lawn and Garden section.
"Aww, that's too bad... I was hoping for something a bit more fun" Even though we were talking on the phone I swear I heard her wink.
"Yeah well you can come down and scrub my house with me. I can't think of anything more fun than that." By that point I had picked out a weed wacker (only 20 bucks!) and was making my way to the check out.
"Tempting but I have a better idea, why don't you come to Madison tonight, Obsessively Neat Girl* is having a party tonight."
"Eh, I'd love to but I have to work at 9am tomorrow and I have a ton of stuff to get done around my house. Besides she has like a party at least once a month and then spends the whole time running around freaking out about water rings on the tables, half filled cups everywhere and cigarette butts in the yard until she gets too drunk to really care." It was a very tempting offer though to hang out with Lucky but I knew there was no way with the drive I would make it to work on time the next day.
"Sounds like you've been before than?" she laughed a little, I do believe she was teasing me.
"Yeah a few times, not really worth driving up to Madison and back in one night." I didn't want her to think I was over eager to see her or anything because I mean, we're just friends, right?
"Oh maybe I won't bother than." I couldn't tell if she was just trying to play it cool or really didn't care one way or another. "What are you going to do tonight than?"
"Just staying home, like I said I have a ton of things to get done around the house." My life is just too exciting, I know.
"Ok if you change your mind or anything let me know." I was trying to load all my hardware store goods into the car while trying to pay attention to her but I suck at multitasking and it had just started raining. Working with cellphones I know better than to talk on the phone while it's raining.
"yeah, sure, ok, I've gotta go, I'll talk to you later." I really hoped she didn't think I was trying to brush her off or anything, I just needed to get into the dryness that was my car.
3pm Friday afternoon saw me outside in the rain, scrubbing the outside of my trailer with the items I had bought fr the hardware store. Who needed a power washer? I was doing it just fine. Granted I was a mess to look at between getting rained on and the water that was splashing off the house and back on me, my eyes burned and worst of all, my shoes where squishy. There is nothing worse on your feet than wet, squishy shoes. It only took me a couple hours but I got it all done, by myself. It would have been easier with a second person but sometimes you don't have that option so you just do what you can. The trailer did look much better so the effort was worth it in the end. The light rain that was coming down prevented me from being able to use my new weed wacker because it's an electric plug in kind. I'd just have to get to it sometime this weekend after work.
I was feeling very grubby so after a quick shower I decided I was going to spend some quality time with my PS2 for the evening. Fate, it seems, had much different plans for me that night.
7:30pm Friday evening found me in my Pj's, wearing my kickass ADIDAS hat backwards, sitting in my livingroom, playing video games, while eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, with Eminem blasting on the stereo. I was having a total teenage boy moment, so of course it had to be Lucky stopping by, because my house was only 2 hours out of the way. A mutual friend had told her exactly how to get to the trailer. Correction, ex mutal friend because I am so gonna kill her for not even giving me a heads up. Had I knew it was her I would have at least switched the Eminem for something a bit less "white boi thug". After getting over the initial shock of seeing Lucky standing on my deck while I was in my Charlie Brown PJ bottoms, I invite her in.
Anyone who's been to my house knows I'm a bit um, unorganized, to say the least, a fucking slob to say the worst. Though I have been cleaning a lot of crap out, so stay tuned for info on how you can own alittle piece of Stokley, or rather some crap I don't want anymore. But I digress.
I felt extremely self conscious and vulnerable because she had caught me completely off guard. Later she kinda admitted that she did it intentionally, knowing it would throw me off. She told me we were going out and there was nothing I could do about it because she wouldn't take no for an answer. After the usual I have to work, I'm not dressed to go out and those type of excuses I got dressed. She told me she came to spend some time with me this weekend because next weekend she wouldn't be able to hang out for my birthday. We ended up going to this Sushi place for dinner, it was really nice. She wanted to go to the club I spent most my weekends at so off to the club we went. Of course most my friends were there. I was actually pretty well behaved because I knew I had to work at 9am the next day. Everyone had a good time, there was no drama and that was a beautiful thing. After the club closed we went to IHOP with Mando, Lollipop, Token, DeeBee, Shiner and Toby. Around 4:30am we ended up going over to Mando's house for an after party. By than the light rain from the afternoon had passed so Mando build a fire in the backyard. I knew if I feel asleep at that point i would never wake up for work. We all sat around, talked, joked, it was a really relaxing good time. Lucky was getting along great with my friends and no one brought up any terribly embarassing stories about me which I was incredibly grateful for because if anyone had embarassing stories about me it was these people.
I must have dozed off for a little bit because the sun was coming up when Lucky woke me up. At some point I had fallen asleep with my head on her shoulder. It was almost 8am, I had to get home, shower, change and get my ass to work. Mando told Lucky she could crash there until I got off work. She of course accepted, I don't think Lolli gave her a choice, Madison was way too far to drive without having any sleep.
Work was unbareably long and I almost fell asleep a few times. After work I ran home to change and then went over to Mandos where everyone either still was or had come back. They all were watching some lame movie so I crawled into Mando's bed to get some sleep. Lucky said she could go for a nap, she had only slept for about 2 hours, so we cuddled up and fell asleep until a very drunk Token and Lolli woke us up around 11pm. Then it was on again, this time we went to Milwaukee and tore it up. Lucky left from Milwaukee to go home, not without trying to get me to go with her but again I had to work the next day. We had to say our good byes, it kind of sucked. We had hung out for 32 hours at that point, except for the 8 I had to work. It was really good, there was no expectations or weirdness, we just went with what ever we were feeling for the moment. There wasn't any pressure or akwardness. We talked like we had known each other for years. I'm really glad we had the chance to get to know each other better this weekend because she's the type of personI know instantly we are gonna be good friends. And so far we are.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
What Am I Thinking?
Here it is 11am and I'm at work, trying everything I can to stay awake. Yesterday was suppose to be the day I got things around the house done, especially since the park manager had me directly in her crosshairs. I got one of her famously illegal 5 Day notices because I hadn't scrubbed the outside of my trailer. Did you know that stuff grows on the outside of trailers? It's true and gross. Knowing what a pain in the ass it would be I just did what I normally do when something seems like too much of a pain to deal with, I avoided it. Then I got the notice, along with another notice stating that the flowers and assorted green things I had growing around my house were not infact flowers or plants but weeds. They're pretty weeds if you ask me. Why are they considered weeds and there for eviction worthy when someone else can grow roses or what not? I mean what if I prefer the little purple flowers my weeds provide? Who's to say what is beautiful and what isn't? I thought it was all in the eye of the beholder... Apparently I am not doing my bit to make this a "Mobile Home Community".
I'm just way to tired to even write this all out so I'll leave you with this little teaser and I'll finish it up tomorrow, after I've had some sleep...
I'm just way to tired to even write this all out so I'll leave you with this little teaser and I'll finish it up tomorrow, after I've had some sleep...
Friday, August 18, 2006
Note to Self
Dear Me,
I know you think you're the shit and all that but I hate to break it to you, at some point it just gets old, like you. Please for the love of Bob and all things warm and fuzzy in the world think about things before you do them.
Like what the fuck is the deal with taking in all types of transients and hoodlums? If these people couldn't pay rent at their current place of residence what makes you think they will with you? And really, do you have to give them chance after chance just because you feel bad for them? If they don't have the rent the first month chances are they aren't gonna have it any other month so why let this go on for months at a time and act grateful for the small amounts they do give you here and there? I know, you only make nice so they don't cut you in your sleep or rob you blind when you're at work and they are home all day because they don't work. Here's a thought, if you have to worry about that shit, you really shouldnt' let them live with you to begin with. As far as the rent goes, if they don't pay, fuck them, they gots to go, this isn't a flop house, you are not independantly wealthy and it's not your problem. Your house is not the wayward, down on their luck homeless lesbian shelter. You are not a non-for-profit! No one is paying your way and would anyone let yu live with them for free and feed you on top of it? No, this is a harsh world and I know somewhere you have picked up that hippy play it forward shit but cut it out! If I had to guess you picked this shit up from watching way too much Mr. Rogers as a kid. That dude had a whole fucking kingdom freeloading off him for over 22 years! There is no magic trolley, sweetie. You have to get your ass up and go to work every fucking day so why should you support roommates who think they don't have to? You're not even fucking them, so really what are you getting out of it? If you're that lonely buy a fucking puppy.
Going out every weekend and getting piss drunk with your friends is getting older than that 8 track player your (my) dad has in the garage. You are almost 30 years old, act like it. Get some fucking hobbies that don't involve any of the following: random hook ups in bathrooms, wondering who the fucks bed you're in, mysterious bruises, hosing down the deck after you or one of your fucked up friends spewed all over it, asking hot strangers if they want a drink, a pounding headache the next day. And speaking of drinking, why in Bob's name do you seem to think you can do shots of tequila all night like you're some frat boy? And the beer bong has got to go. Pass it down to one of your brothers, they're 21 and more suited for that type of activity. The only thing that you accomplish when you drink like that is making an ass of yourself, yet again at the bar and nursing one hell of a hang over the next day. I can only speak for myself, which is you as well, when I say laying on the couch all Saturday feeling like shit is not fun at all. I'm not saying never go out anymore but for fucks sake show a little moderation and add a little variety to life. The clubs are not the only option for Friday night. I don't mean to shock you but I promise you there are other things to do. I bet you can even find other people to do them with that you'll remember the next day. Branch out a bit.
I don't want to hurt your feelings on this next one but would it fucking kill you to actually clean your fucking house? Like not just doing a couple little things here and there. No, I'm talking about getting your ass off the computer and really cleaning the whole house, the dust in this place is killing my fucking allergies. When you have to really look to see if it's the cat or a dust bunny it's time to do something. You are not a rebellious teenager anymore, being a slob isn't a cute endearing quality, it's just pathetic and screams lazy. Cute, endearing slobs are only in movies, real people do not find mile high piles of dirty laundry cute. Take some pride, this is your place so act like it. Take care of all the shit you have worked your ass off to have. Oh and as an aside, clean some of the shit out, I mean really do you need 2 deep fryers, 3 slow cookers, and a quesida (however that's spelled) maker that has only seen the light of day once? And ok everyone gets it, you're a cool trendy Dj, do you really need to have all the lights, equipment and shit all over the house? Don't even get me started on all the Buffy shit either.
I love you, probably more than anyone else ever will except for The Boy, but let's try and go about things a bit more intelligently as we are about to start this next decade, ok? Thanks.
Love Always,
Me
I know you think you're the shit and all that but I hate to break it to you, at some point it just gets old, like you. Please for the love of Bob and all things warm and fuzzy in the world think about things before you do them.
Like what the fuck is the deal with taking in all types of transients and hoodlums? If these people couldn't pay rent at their current place of residence what makes you think they will with you? And really, do you have to give them chance after chance just because you feel bad for them? If they don't have the rent the first month chances are they aren't gonna have it any other month so why let this go on for months at a time and act grateful for the small amounts they do give you here and there? I know, you only make nice so they don't cut you in your sleep or rob you blind when you're at work and they are home all day because they don't work. Here's a thought, if you have to worry about that shit, you really shouldnt' let them live with you to begin with. As far as the rent goes, if they don't pay, fuck them, they gots to go, this isn't a flop house, you are not independantly wealthy and it's not your problem. Your house is not the wayward, down on their luck homeless lesbian shelter. You are not a non-for-profit! No one is paying your way and would anyone let yu live with them for free and feed you on top of it? No, this is a harsh world and I know somewhere you have picked up that hippy play it forward shit but cut it out! If I had to guess you picked this shit up from watching way too much Mr. Rogers as a kid. That dude had a whole fucking kingdom freeloading off him for over 22 years! There is no magic trolley, sweetie. You have to get your ass up and go to work every fucking day so why should you support roommates who think they don't have to? You're not even fucking them, so really what are you getting out of it? If you're that lonely buy a fucking puppy.
Going out every weekend and getting piss drunk with your friends is getting older than that 8 track player your (my) dad has in the garage. You are almost 30 years old, act like it. Get some fucking hobbies that don't involve any of the following: random hook ups in bathrooms, wondering who the fucks bed you're in, mysterious bruises, hosing down the deck after you or one of your fucked up friends spewed all over it, asking hot strangers if they want a drink, a pounding headache the next day. And speaking of drinking, why in Bob's name do you seem to think you can do shots of tequila all night like you're some frat boy? And the beer bong has got to go. Pass it down to one of your brothers, they're 21 and more suited for that type of activity. The only thing that you accomplish when you drink like that is making an ass of yourself, yet again at the bar and nursing one hell of a hang over the next day. I can only speak for myself, which is you as well, when I say laying on the couch all Saturday feeling like shit is not fun at all. I'm not saying never go out anymore but for fucks sake show a little moderation and add a little variety to life. The clubs are not the only option for Friday night. I don't mean to shock you but I promise you there are other things to do. I bet you can even find other people to do them with that you'll remember the next day. Branch out a bit.
I don't want to hurt your feelings on this next one but would it fucking kill you to actually clean your fucking house? Like not just doing a couple little things here and there. No, I'm talking about getting your ass off the computer and really cleaning the whole house, the dust in this place is killing my fucking allergies. When you have to really look to see if it's the cat or a dust bunny it's time to do something. You are not a rebellious teenager anymore, being a slob isn't a cute endearing quality, it's just pathetic and screams lazy. Cute, endearing slobs are only in movies, real people do not find mile high piles of dirty laundry cute. Take some pride, this is your place so act like it. Take care of all the shit you have worked your ass off to have. Oh and as an aside, clean some of the shit out, I mean really do you need 2 deep fryers, 3 slow cookers, and a quesida (however that's spelled) maker that has only seen the light of day once? And ok everyone gets it, you're a cool trendy Dj, do you really need to have all the lights, equipment and shit all over the house? Don't even get me started on all the Buffy shit either.
I love you, probably more than anyone else ever will except for The Boy, but let's try and go about things a bit more intelligently as we are about to start this next decade, ok? Thanks.
Love Always,
Me
7 Bad Habits of an Emotional Slacker
Tonight while on the phone with Lucky she called me an emotional slacker. What the hell is an emotional slacker? She clarified for me that an emotional slacker is one who doesn't put themselves out there for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification, but in an emotional sense. Yeah, I was still a little confused too. To provide me with a more clear view on what the hell she was going on about she tried to explain a bit more, I told her to talk to me like I was 5. I have always considered myself intelligent but sometimes she is on such a higher plane than me that I have a hard time grasping what it is she really means, or maybe she has just perfected the fine art of femme speak.
She went on to explain that I come off as the type that if there isn't an emotional instant gratification aspect in an interaction with someone I won't put any emotional energy into that person at all, I expect them to do all the work. Um, Huh? Ok talk to me like I'm 3. If I don't get what I want in my mind right away from someone I shut off on them emotionally. I don't allow time for things to develop. Not everyone goes with their instincts like I do, not every one recognizes exactly what they want in another person within the first 10 minutes. Oh, ok. I get that and I can see that to a certain point, this girl is smart. Though she is getting her PhD in Psychology. I don't see anything wrong with being like that personally. After a bit more of talking I felt like I was suppose to send her a check for the two hours she had just spent psychoanalizing me. Just joking, kinda. I could kind of see her point in the end. So in the interest of self discovery and all that stuff here are my 7 bad habits of being an emotional slacker.
1. I assume everyone knows exactly what they want in another person because I know when I see it
2. If I don't get the attention I demand right when I demand it I feel like the other person must not care
3. I over analyze EVERYTHING
4. I make snap judgements about other people and regardless if they prove to be different it's hard to change my mind about them once it's been made, for good or bad
5. I think I'm always right
6. I want what I can't have and don't want what I get easily
7. The moment I even think I have been even slightly rejected I become emotionally unavailable
Damn those are bad habits and granted I'm not completely inflexible I do tend to act this way with the majority of people. But all rules have exceptions and I have mine as well. There are a few people I haven't been like this with, and I have realized that those are the people that hurt me the worst. And I wonder why I can't substain a decent relationship? Or at least a healthy one?
She went on to explain that I come off as the type that if there isn't an emotional instant gratification aspect in an interaction with someone I won't put any emotional energy into that person at all, I expect them to do all the work. Um, Huh? Ok talk to me like I'm 3. If I don't get what I want in my mind right away from someone I shut off on them emotionally. I don't allow time for things to develop. Not everyone goes with their instincts like I do, not every one recognizes exactly what they want in another person within the first 10 minutes. Oh, ok. I get that and I can see that to a certain point, this girl is smart. Though she is getting her PhD in Psychology. I don't see anything wrong with being like that personally. After a bit more of talking I felt like I was suppose to send her a check for the two hours she had just spent psychoanalizing me. Just joking, kinda. I could kind of see her point in the end. So in the interest of self discovery and all that stuff here are my 7 bad habits of being an emotional slacker.
1. I assume everyone knows exactly what they want in another person because I know when I see it
2. If I don't get the attention I demand right when I demand it I feel like the other person must not care
3. I over analyze EVERYTHING
4. I make snap judgements about other people and regardless if they prove to be different it's hard to change my mind about them once it's been made, for good or bad
5. I think I'm always right
6. I want what I can't have and don't want what I get easily
7. The moment I even think I have been even slightly rejected I become emotionally unavailable
Damn those are bad habits and granted I'm not completely inflexible I do tend to act this way with the majority of people. But all rules have exceptions and I have mine as well. There are a few people I haven't been like this with, and I have realized that those are the people that hurt me the worst. And I wonder why I can't substain a decent relationship? Or at least a healthy one?
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Too Tired
Today I had to get my lazy ass up at 6:00am, well I was suppose to get up at 6:00am, I actually rolled out of bed at 6:30am. So of course I was running late and had to take the worlds fastest shower. Luckily, I had packed what I needed for today the night before so it wasn't a mad scramble to get everything together. Why the early hour and rush I'm sure you're asking by now? Glad you asked. I had an all day meeting for work at 8:30am and it was an hour and 15 minute drive there. I was making great time but then I took the wrogn damn exit and ended up being 15 minutes late, fuck. It went surprisingly fast considering we were suppose to get done at 5pm but actually got done at 3:00pm which was fine by me, the only bad part is I have to go back tomorrow. Considering I couldnt' fall asleep until 3am I am feeling it today. Having ADD makes these meeting for work extremely hard for me because I am overly concsious about fidgeting and talking too much. Both of which I do excessively but normally I have things to do that keep me busy. No such luck with these meetings, I have to sit there, take notes, do everything I can to pay attention and not just yell out, I can read the book, you don't have to read the slides to me! Today's meeting was different, the woman leading it was really engaging and actually kept my attention. The hours flew by and before I knew it the day was over. Now I'm home and I think I'm gonna take a nap. Damn I am getting old....
Handy I am not or Adventures with Gorilla Glue
As you might remember on Friday night I told the roommate she had better get me the rent or get her shit out, well she did neither so yesterday I changed the locks on my door, not that it really matters because my door is already jacked up. I could just try and tell you but this being a blog and all I'll show you. Brilliant idea, eh?
If you can't tell what my less than stellar photoshop skills are trying to point out is the door jam? Frame? The bit where the door actually closes into is all kinds of busted, funny story behind that. One night I came home piss drunk and my girlfriend at the time had locked me out. She was upset that I had gone out with my friends. Since I didn't drive I didn't think to bring my keys. That was one of the last times I made that mistake. So I banged on the door and she told me I could sleep on the deck. I told her to open the door, she told me to fuck off. I told her if she didn't open it I was gonna kick it in, she laughed and said yeah, right. I then got huffy and said I would really do it, she didn't believe me. I told her to stand back I was gonna kick it in, she told me if I did that she would kick my drunk ass. It was my turn to say yeah right. I changed tactics at that point and tried to sweet talk my way back on the house, she wasn't having it so I went back to the kicking in the door idea. She went back to the threatening to kick my ass idea, we were at an impasse. I did the only thing a girl can do when her girl locks her out and refuses to let her in, I kicked the damn door in. It seemed logical at the time. To this day I still think it was worth all the bitching and trying to figure out how to fix the damn thing just to see the look on her face. She was shocked, truth be told, I was shocked, didn't think it would be that easy to kick in a door. I felt so bad ass. For about 2 minutes then she looked at me, called me a a fucking moron and went to bed. She didn't talk to me for 2 days. I slept on the couch that night because I couldn't get the door to close. The next day I spent half the day nailing the piece I had broke off back onto the door but it had never been the same since.
One week after my roommate moved in, she broke the door at 3am in the morning. I made her renail it enough to at least close for the rest of the night and the next day she put even more nails into the damn thing. Well yesterday I bought a new lock since i hadn't heard from her and didn't want her coming in here while I was at work and cleaning me out. I quickly realized that changing the locks really wouldn't matter if all she had to do was push on it hard enough to pull out the nails. That's when I got my great idea, and I say that with a bit of sarcasm.
When I was at the hardware store getting a new lock I also grabbed a thing of Gorilla Glue. Allow me to just pause the story here to make an observation about myself. I was at the hardware store, which is suppose to be the natural habitat for a boi like me, and I had no freaking clue what 90% of the shit there does or is for. I am seriously lacking in the handywoman skills department. I did buy a book that is suppose to show you how to fix and or do everything from electrical to installing a new toilet to fixing a clogged dishwasher, but I found it lacking in the ex-roommate proofing the door you kicked in 2 years ago department. Feeling very boi-ish and pumped from my trip to Home Depot, I set about finally fixing the damn door and changing the lock. First I pried the broken wood bit away from the main door bit and just oozed the Gorilla glue into the resulting space. Word of warning, that shit is worse than crazy glue once it dries, I am not fooling around and neither is this glue. I have a toothpick I was using to keep the glue in the crack that I had to break off the floor where I set it down when I pounded the wood bit and nails back into the main door part. I think it took me longer to get the frickin toothpick off the floor than it did to fix the door part. Once that was done I quickly took off the old doorknob and replaced it with the new one I had just bought.
Yay me!! I'm not sure if it will hold if she's all extra determined to get in but hopefully it will work enough to make her think twice about trying to force the door open. What I could really use is a really fierce dog that would attack anyone who came busting through my door but I guess that wouldn't work if it was a former roommate because than the dog would already know said roommate. What I need is a friend to just hang out at my house during the day, like a housesitter but just during the day. Can you tell I have major issues due to being robbed before from my former ex? Lucky told me if I was that paranoid about it I should just spend the hundred bucks it would cost to just fix the whole freaking door frame. I have hope that maybe the book I bought will show me how to do it and that I suddenly develop handyboi type skills over night. You can't expect me to be great with my hands with EVERYTHING, they're quite good for other things.
If you can't tell what my less than stellar photoshop skills are trying to point out is the door jam? Frame? The bit where the door actually closes into is all kinds of busted, funny story behind that. One night I came home piss drunk and my girlfriend at the time had locked me out. She was upset that I had gone out with my friends. Since I didn't drive I didn't think to bring my keys. That was one of the last times I made that mistake. So I banged on the door and she told me I could sleep on the deck. I told her to open the door, she told me to fuck off. I told her if she didn't open it I was gonna kick it in, she laughed and said yeah, right. I then got huffy and said I would really do it, she didn't believe me. I told her to stand back I was gonna kick it in, she told me if I did that she would kick my drunk ass. It was my turn to say yeah right. I changed tactics at that point and tried to sweet talk my way back on the house, she wasn't having it so I went back to the kicking in the door idea. She went back to the threatening to kick my ass idea, we were at an impasse. I did the only thing a girl can do when her girl locks her out and refuses to let her in, I kicked the damn door in. It seemed logical at the time. To this day I still think it was worth all the bitching and trying to figure out how to fix the damn thing just to see the look on her face. She was shocked, truth be told, I was shocked, didn't think it would be that easy to kick in a door. I felt so bad ass. For about 2 minutes then she looked at me, called me a a fucking moron and went to bed. She didn't talk to me for 2 days. I slept on the couch that night because I couldn't get the door to close. The next day I spent half the day nailing the piece I had broke off back onto the door but it had never been the same since.
One week after my roommate moved in, she broke the door at 3am in the morning. I made her renail it enough to at least close for the rest of the night and the next day she put even more nails into the damn thing. Well yesterday I bought a new lock since i hadn't heard from her and didn't want her coming in here while I was at work and cleaning me out. I quickly realized that changing the locks really wouldn't matter if all she had to do was push on it hard enough to pull out the nails. That's when I got my great idea, and I say that with a bit of sarcasm.
When I was at the hardware store getting a new lock I also grabbed a thing of Gorilla Glue. Allow me to just pause the story here to make an observation about myself. I was at the hardware store, which is suppose to be the natural habitat for a boi like me, and I had no freaking clue what 90% of the shit there does or is for. I am seriously lacking in the handywoman skills department. I did buy a book that is suppose to show you how to fix and or do everything from electrical to installing a new toilet to fixing a clogged dishwasher, but I found it lacking in the ex-roommate proofing the door you kicked in 2 years ago department. Feeling very boi-ish and pumped from my trip to Home Depot, I set about finally fixing the damn door and changing the lock. First I pried the broken wood bit away from the main door bit and just oozed the Gorilla glue into the resulting space. Word of warning, that shit is worse than crazy glue once it dries, I am not fooling around and neither is this glue. I have a toothpick I was using to keep the glue in the crack that I had to break off the floor where I set it down when I pounded the wood bit and nails back into the main door part. I think it took me longer to get the frickin toothpick off the floor than it did to fix the door part. Once that was done I quickly took off the old doorknob and replaced it with the new one I had just bought.
Yay me!! I'm not sure if it will hold if she's all extra determined to get in but hopefully it will work enough to make her think twice about trying to force the door open. What I could really use is a really fierce dog that would attack anyone who came busting through my door but I guess that wouldn't work if it was a former roommate because than the dog would already know said roommate. What I need is a friend to just hang out at my house during the day, like a housesitter but just during the day. Can you tell I have major issues due to being robbed before from my former ex? Lucky told me if I was that paranoid about it I should just spend the hundred bucks it would cost to just fix the whole freaking door frame. I have hope that maybe the book I bought will show me how to do it and that I suddenly develop handyboi type skills over night. You can't expect me to be great with my hands with EVERYTHING, they're quite good for other things.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Photo Goodness
A blog without pics is like Mac N Cheese without the hotdogs, it just doesn't feel right, so here is my big photo post with stories (kinda)!
This is the most recent picture I have of me. It was taken Aug. 5th. My hair looked much better before everyone had started playing with it. Notice the glasses.. yes I am obsessed with these glasses because I seriously spent 2 months picking out a pair. My face is red but I wasn't drunk in this picture, I had been out in the sun all day. OK I will admit I was a little buzzed, but I don't believe I did any drunk dialing that night.
This is midsummer, so around the beginning of July. It was right before I got my new glasses. I tried to drunk dial someone but her phone was out of minutes so it didn't go through, which maybe in retrospect is a good thing because I have no clue what I would have said. Probably not the right thing even though I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say to make it all better. Looking at these pics, I realize I wear my Ramones shirt a lot.
This is a few hours later and yeah, considering the shape I was in I'm thinking it's good her phone was out of minutes because I would have probably sworn my eternal love and devotion or something equally stupid like that. My hair wasn't looking so great by that time either. I have no clue what I am posting this pic considering I look like the biggest dork in it but I know it will make a couple people at least giggle, so it's all good.
This is Me, RayRay, Lemon Drop, Irish and Maddy. This was taken at the beginning of summer so back in late May. It's always a good time when Irish comes down from Miltown. See how red my face is? Yeah I was drunk. I think I had dyed my hair earlier that day, hence the extreme color.
This is my Gay Boy, Token. This is the scrubbiest I have ever seen him out. I have seen him scrubbier but that's usually when I walk out into my livingroom the next morning and he's passed out on my couch from the night before. The scary thing is, he's not even drunk in this pic, he's just really annoyed because his boyfriend was being an ass that night. I so heart my Gay Boy. I have watched this kid grow up from a little underage hood sneaking into the clubs with a fake ID to a pretty cool guy who is finally getting his shit together. Oh and he's the one who stuck the straws up my nose in that one pic.
This is Mando and her girl, Lollipop. They are too freakin' cute together, seriously. They are incredibly happy and perfect together. To see them together you would swear they had just started dating but nope, they have been in the honeymoon stage for close to a year now. This pic is a little older, as if you couldn't tell from the date stamp on there.
So here's a few pics of me and the people in my life, so you at least have some idea what some of them look like.
This is the most recent picture I have of me. It was taken Aug. 5th. My hair looked much better before everyone had started playing with it. Notice the glasses.. yes I am obsessed with these glasses because I seriously spent 2 months picking out a pair. My face is red but I wasn't drunk in this picture, I had been out in the sun all day. OK I will admit I was a little buzzed, but I don't believe I did any drunk dialing that night.
This is midsummer, so around the beginning of July. It was right before I got my new glasses. I tried to drunk dial someone but her phone was out of minutes so it didn't go through, which maybe in retrospect is a good thing because I have no clue what I would have said. Probably not the right thing even though I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say to make it all better. Looking at these pics, I realize I wear my Ramones shirt a lot.
This is a few hours later and yeah, considering the shape I was in I'm thinking it's good her phone was out of minutes because I would have probably sworn my eternal love and devotion or something equally stupid like that. My hair wasn't looking so great by that time either. I have no clue what I am posting this pic considering I look like the biggest dork in it but I know it will make a couple people at least giggle, so it's all good.
This is Me, RayRay, Lemon Drop, Irish and Maddy. This was taken at the beginning of summer so back in late May. It's always a good time when Irish comes down from Miltown. See how red my face is? Yeah I was drunk. I think I had dyed my hair earlier that day, hence the extreme color.
This is my Gay Boy, Token. This is the scrubbiest I have ever seen him out. I have seen him scrubbier but that's usually when I walk out into my livingroom the next morning and he's passed out on my couch from the night before. The scary thing is, he's not even drunk in this pic, he's just really annoyed because his boyfriend was being an ass that night. I so heart my Gay Boy. I have watched this kid grow up from a little underage hood sneaking into the clubs with a fake ID to a pretty cool guy who is finally getting his shit together. Oh and he's the one who stuck the straws up my nose in that one pic.
This is Mando and her girl, Lollipop. They are too freakin' cute together, seriously. They are incredibly happy and perfect together. To see them together you would swear they had just started dating but nope, they have been in the honeymoon stage for close to a year now. This pic is a little older, as if you couldn't tell from the date stamp on there.So here's a few pics of me and the people in my life, so you at least have some idea what some of them look like.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
The Harsh Light of Day
Today has been one of those days when there is a ton of things to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I kind of just do a couple things here and there but ultimately only very few things get finished. I did get the new lock for the door, I just haven't put it on yet. I did get half the dishes done and a couple loads of laundry but not my work clothes, which is the most important thing to get done seeing as I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Lucky and I talked for like 6 hours yesterday, she's great but there are a few problems:
1. I don't want a relationship and she's the relationship type
2. She lives 2 hours away
3. She's going to Grad school and will have ZERO spare time very soon here
4. I have other things to concentrate on before I can concentrate on another person
5. The timing is just off and that sucks
6. We just met and already we can't stop thinking about each other, maybe it's just the newness factor
7. I still have someone else on my mind
8. She just got out of a 3 year relationship at the beginning of the summer
9. She's bisexual (ok I know I might get some shit for this one but the only time I have ever gotten seriously hurt was when I got involved with Bisexual girls.)
10. I have issues, like abandonment issues, attention issues, issues that make a long distance relationship shaky at best, fucking insane at worst.
Yes I know we just met on Friday night but she's the one who brought up the whole talk. I was perfectly happy to just flirt on the phone and see what happened, but Lucky, it turns out, is a practical girl. She was quite, um, upfront about it all. She was like, I know there is a strong attraction to each other here but before either of us get any deeper we should talk about a few things. 6 hours later we decided that we'll talk and maybe if there's time hang out on the weekends here and there but to expect anything more from this at this time is just asking for it to fail. I have to admire a girl who is forward thinking and um, blunt. She didn't waste anytime, I guess that's cool. I haven't met anyone in a long time who was more logical than me. What can I really say to that? Well I could say it sucks that it has to be like this. I could say that everything in life really does come down to timing and mine sucks worse than anyone's I know. I could say, fuck the reason and logic. I could say any of that and more but I just found myself agreeing.
I have learned a few things in my almost 30 years in this world and one of them is no matter how logical or illogical it all seems, you still can't help how you feel. Maybe I would have pursued it a bit more and had some objects to her valid points, like maybe I would have found some great counterpoints but to be honest, it's not fair. The reason it's not fair is because as great as she is, she wasn't my first thought this morning when I woke up. I don't want to say I'm jaded but maybe I am a little. I know I'm being overtly cautious. I know I still think about someone else, a lot more than I have reason to. I know that I'm not up to putting myself out there again, yet. This is one of those things that no matter how much I think about it, no matter how many different what if's and scenarios I play over and over in my head, the reality of it will end up being something I never imagined, so why waste the time thinking about it? Only time will tell what will happen.
As a side note, we talked for another 4 hours today... maybe thats why I haven't gotten much done? Nah, I'm just feeling lazy and dreading having to go back to work.
Lucky and I talked for like 6 hours yesterday, she's great but there are a few problems:
1. I don't want a relationship and she's the relationship type
2. She lives 2 hours away
3. She's going to Grad school and will have ZERO spare time very soon here
4. I have other things to concentrate on before I can concentrate on another person
5. The timing is just off and that sucks
6. We just met and already we can't stop thinking about each other, maybe it's just the newness factor
7. I still have someone else on my mind
8. She just got out of a 3 year relationship at the beginning of the summer
9. She's bisexual (ok I know I might get some shit for this one but the only time I have ever gotten seriously hurt was when I got involved with Bisexual girls.)
10. I have issues, like abandonment issues, attention issues, issues that make a long distance relationship shaky at best, fucking insane at worst.
Yes I know we just met on Friday night but she's the one who brought up the whole talk. I was perfectly happy to just flirt on the phone and see what happened, but Lucky, it turns out, is a practical girl. She was quite, um, upfront about it all. She was like, I know there is a strong attraction to each other here but before either of us get any deeper we should talk about a few things. 6 hours later we decided that we'll talk and maybe if there's time hang out on the weekends here and there but to expect anything more from this at this time is just asking for it to fail. I have to admire a girl who is forward thinking and um, blunt. She didn't waste anytime, I guess that's cool. I haven't met anyone in a long time who was more logical than me. What can I really say to that? Well I could say it sucks that it has to be like this. I could say that everything in life really does come down to timing and mine sucks worse than anyone's I know. I could say, fuck the reason and logic. I could say any of that and more but I just found myself agreeing.
I have learned a few things in my almost 30 years in this world and one of them is no matter how logical or illogical it all seems, you still can't help how you feel. Maybe I would have pursued it a bit more and had some objects to her valid points, like maybe I would have found some great counterpoints but to be honest, it's not fair. The reason it's not fair is because as great as she is, she wasn't my first thought this morning when I woke up. I don't want to say I'm jaded but maybe I am a little. I know I'm being overtly cautious. I know I still think about someone else, a lot more than I have reason to. I know that I'm not up to putting myself out there again, yet. This is one of those things that no matter how much I think about it, no matter how many different what if's and scenarios I play over and over in my head, the reality of it will end up being something I never imagined, so why waste the time thinking about it? Only time will tell what will happen.
As a side note, we talked for another 4 hours today... maybe thats why I haven't gotten much done? Nah, I'm just feeling lazy and dreading having to go back to work.
Hot Girls, Bar Brawls and Shitty Roommates
I woke up this morning, er, afternoon actually, and had a few blissful moments before the night before flooded it's way into my pounding head. As a side note here, did you know that a moment really is a measurable unit of time? It's 90 seconds, seriously, I'm not making that up, I was just as floored when I found out. But I digress, as usual.
I decided when I realized I had less than 20 days left to say I was in my 20's I was gonna go out the same way I came into my 20's. And let me tell you, I came roaring into my 20's, I was a hellraiser. Now I failed to take into consideration I was almost 10 years younger than. It's amazing what dirty tricks time can play on a person. I learned a few things last night that I'll share with you. I can not handle 10 shots of tequila anymore, at least not one right after another, I found out my limit before having to praying to the porcelain God is 6. And that was before we even left the house. I think a sane, rational person at that point would have probably called it a night and stayed in, but I wasn't about to be rational last night because time was ticking, I was almost 30 and it was only 9:30pm! So i just went and brushed my teeth then my friends and I left for the fresh adventure that was awaiting us.
My cohorts last night where Mando (who I've been friends with for 10 years), her girlfriend, Lollipop (who I've known for about 2 years), and my gay boy, Token (who I've known for 8 years). Mando was driving and because Token is 6' 2" he rode infront while Lollipop and I rode in back. We got one of those big bottles of Schmirnof Ice and passed it between the two of us while Mando was yelling that we better not be drinking back there. And so we were off to Milwaukee because I had been ordered, not even asked, to appear at a bar up there to see a few friends that hadn't seen me in a couple weeks. We got there without any mishaps, I was feeling pleasantly buzzed and into the bar we went. I was immediately greeted with shouts of "STOKES!!!!!" and had a Norm moment. (Ok see I'm old, I just made a Cheers reference)After making the rounds and greeting all, we got down to drinking and life was good. It got even better when my friend, Irish, introduced me to her friend who I'll just call Yummy, because she was. She had that cute nerdy naughty girl look about her. Not like pocket protector nerdy but that cute you know she's smart and knows her own mind kinda vibe. She was wearing this cute plaid skirt with these fishnet stockings, YUMMY. I am the worlds biggest sucker for little alternative type girls. And she had the cutest beret type hat on, now most people couldn't pull that off but she did and it looked perfect on her. Now I have to disagree with everyone who said I was shamelessly flirting. I was not flirting, I was being nice, I can't help it if I'm charming.
Yummy and I spent quite a bit of time talking and playing pool. Before I knew it almost 2 hours had passed. I was in a right good mood and feeling no pain. Ok even though she is Yummy, I can't just call her Yummy all the time so how about I call her...Lucky, because the shirt she was wearing was white with Lucky written on it in glittery letters. Ok now that is settle I can continue on. Lucky and I played pool, I did a couple well spaced shots with friends and things were progressing nicely. Now for this next part to make any sense I'll have to rewind to what I was doing before my friends had shown up to take me out.
I was waiting, and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate waiting. I was waiting for my roommate who had blown me off for the last 8 days to come back and give me the rent money that she had supposedly ran to go get. She hadn't been home in 8 days and had been stringing me along all week when I would call her to find out what the fuck was going on. She finally returned briefly earlier in the night, around 6pm to get her tattoo gun and with the promise of returning quickly with the rent money she owed me. I waited for almost 3 hours, without any word before I left with my friends. I had tried calling her but of course her phone was off. To say I was a bit perturbed would be putting it lightly.
Now back to the moment at hand. I excused myself to use the restroom and please, gasp in surprise with me as who should I see as I am exiting the restroom? You got it, my wayward roommate. I know i probably should have dropped it for the night bevcause I had been drinking and was pretty well intoxicated by that time but that would have been the rational thing to do. I walked up to Shitty Roommate and loudly exclaimed, "Well looks like you have the money to go out, so where the fuck is the rent?"
I wish I had my camera with me at that moment because the look on her face was fuckign priceless. She serious had the deer in headlights look down pat. Seeing me there was the last thing she expected. Some older lady who was with her came over to me and was like, hey no need for this now, we're all just trying to have a good time and we're drunk. I quickly brushed her off and turned back to Shitty Rommate. "Looks like you have no problem getting up here to Milwaukee but funny how you couldn't even run back home first to drop off the rent you promised and owe, which is 12 days late by the way." She started makign excuse, the people she was with didnt' want to come back to drop it off, everyone's phone was dead so she couldn't call and blah blah blah. I quickly cut her off and called bullshit. I told her she was a fucking liar and a couple other things, which I guess in retrospect I probably shouldn't have. But in my defense she was totally dodging me so I had no clue when I would get the chance to confront her about it all. Her older friend came over again and tried to get me to shut up because I was being a bit loud by that point. Instead of just apologizing and telling me when she would have the rent or at least give me some of the money right then, Shitty Rooomate just kept giving me excuses so that just pissed me off even more. Now I have a temper, a very bad temper, but 98% of the time I can keep it in check but I had that look on my face that Mando recognized immediately. She rushed over and tried to drag me away. Older woman was trying to calm me down, saying I could call her and work things out with her, to which I replied I had no fucking clue who she was and Shitty Roommate was old enough to handle her own affairs. All she did was just piss me off even more. Mando turned to her and told her she better shut the fuck up because I was about to explode. Shitty Roommate was just standing there still giving me weak ass excuses, she had been takign care of a friends sick girlfriend all week and her phone had been dead so she couldn't call me and let me know what was going on. I was thisclose to just punching her to shut her the fuck up, because I was so pissed that she honestly thought I was that stupid. I was going to punch her.
I then felt a hand on my arm and turned around and saw Lucky standing there, "Let's just leave it, come on, we'll go somewhere else." Mando was still infront of me and trying to get me to back up. "Fine, alright. No worries." I shouted over to Shitty Roommate who had back up a bit, "You better either have the rent tomorrow or all your shit is on the porch on Sunday and the locks will be changed." I flashed her my most insincere smile at Shitty Roommate and allowed myself to be dragged out of the bar.
Standing in the parking lot I looked at Lucky and felt like the worlds biggest jackass. "I'm so sorry about all that, I'm not normally like that I swear." She gave me this look, like she was sizing me up and trying to tell if I was lying or not. At least that's how it looked to me. She then did the last thing I expected.
I was leaning up against Lollipop's car. She came closer to me and ran her hand down my cheek and gave me this smile. "You better not be." Then she leaned in and kissed me. It wasn't like some drunken sloppy kiss either. It was really gentle and sweet. Not at all what I was use to from a girl I had just met earlier at the bar. You know those drunken, groping, make out sessions that usually result from drinking and flirting with someone you just met that night at the bar. This was completely opposite of that.
Mando, Token and Lollipop were all in the car and wanting to go. Mando yelled out the window that they were going to this other club a few blocks away, before I could respond Lucky told them she would take me. She gave me this cute little smirk and asked if that was ok with me, knowing full well what the answer was already. Mando being the good friend she is was waiting for me to confirm this before leaving, or maybe they were just waiting for me to stop leaning against Lolli's car so they could leave. Either way I nodded to Mando, I was cool and allowed Lucky to lead me to her car. We talked on the way over there about music because she was playing this really cool Ibiza Mix CD I recognized because I have the same one.
The other club was packed. Lucky and I walked around looking for Mando and them for a little bit before just saying screw it and grabbed a drink. It was hard to talk because the music was so loud. A really good tune came on so she dragged me out onto the dancefloor where I pretended to know how to dance, but to be honest I think part of the reason I started DJing was so I wouldn't have to dance. Yes, it's true there are a few things that even I am not good at but my great hair makes up for it. Lucky on the other hand was a great dancer, she completely just flowed with the music. We danced for a few songs and then Mando, Token and Lolli found us. We all went to have a drink together at the back lounge for last call. The mood was light and it felt like all the drama with Shitty Roommate never happened. Before I knew it we were getting pushed out the door because the club was closing.
I walked Lucky to her car and said good bye. She gave me another kiss and told me to call her the next day. I smiled and made some smart ass comment about being to busy chucking the roommates shit out the door. She gave a little laugh and pulled me in for another kiss. "Just make sure your phone is charged." By that time Lolli had pulled her car up to us, so with one last kiss and smile she got in her car and drove away. It wasn't until I had gotten in the car with Mando and them that they started teasing me. The first thing Token asked was why I hadn't try to take her home. To be honest the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, she just didn't seem the type for a seedy one night hook up. She seemed different somehow, more classy than that. With a smile on my face I passed out all the way home.
I decided when I realized I had less than 20 days left to say I was in my 20's I was gonna go out the same way I came into my 20's. And let me tell you, I came roaring into my 20's, I was a hellraiser. Now I failed to take into consideration I was almost 10 years younger than. It's amazing what dirty tricks time can play on a person. I learned a few things last night that I'll share with you. I can not handle 10 shots of tequila anymore, at least not one right after another, I found out my limit before having to praying to the porcelain God is 6. And that was before we even left the house. I think a sane, rational person at that point would have probably called it a night and stayed in, but I wasn't about to be rational last night because time was ticking, I was almost 30 and it was only 9:30pm! So i just went and brushed my teeth then my friends and I left for the fresh adventure that was awaiting us.
My cohorts last night where Mando (who I've been friends with for 10 years), her girlfriend, Lollipop (who I've known for about 2 years), and my gay boy, Token (who I've known for 8 years). Mando was driving and because Token is 6' 2" he rode infront while Lollipop and I rode in back. We got one of those big bottles of Schmirnof Ice and passed it between the two of us while Mando was yelling that we better not be drinking back there. And so we were off to Milwaukee because I had been ordered, not even asked, to appear at a bar up there to see a few friends that hadn't seen me in a couple weeks. We got there without any mishaps, I was feeling pleasantly buzzed and into the bar we went. I was immediately greeted with shouts of "STOKES!!!!!" and had a Norm moment. (Ok see I'm old, I just made a Cheers reference)After making the rounds and greeting all, we got down to drinking and life was good. It got even better when my friend, Irish, introduced me to her friend who I'll just call Yummy, because she was. She had that cute nerdy naughty girl look about her. Not like pocket protector nerdy but that cute you know she's smart and knows her own mind kinda vibe. She was wearing this cute plaid skirt with these fishnet stockings, YUMMY. I am the worlds biggest sucker for little alternative type girls. And she had the cutest beret type hat on, now most people couldn't pull that off but she did and it looked perfect on her. Now I have to disagree with everyone who said I was shamelessly flirting. I was not flirting, I was being nice, I can't help it if I'm charming.
Yummy and I spent quite a bit of time talking and playing pool. Before I knew it almost 2 hours had passed. I was in a right good mood and feeling no pain. Ok even though she is Yummy, I can't just call her Yummy all the time so how about I call her...Lucky, because the shirt she was wearing was white with Lucky written on it in glittery letters. Ok now that is settle I can continue on. Lucky and I played pool, I did a couple well spaced shots with friends and things were progressing nicely. Now for this next part to make any sense I'll have to rewind to what I was doing before my friends had shown up to take me out.
I was waiting, and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate waiting. I was waiting for my roommate who had blown me off for the last 8 days to come back and give me the rent money that she had supposedly ran to go get. She hadn't been home in 8 days and had been stringing me along all week when I would call her to find out what the fuck was going on. She finally returned briefly earlier in the night, around 6pm to get her tattoo gun and with the promise of returning quickly with the rent money she owed me. I waited for almost 3 hours, without any word before I left with my friends. I had tried calling her but of course her phone was off. To say I was a bit perturbed would be putting it lightly.
Now back to the moment at hand. I excused myself to use the restroom and please, gasp in surprise with me as who should I see as I am exiting the restroom? You got it, my wayward roommate. I know i probably should have dropped it for the night bevcause I had been drinking and was pretty well intoxicated by that time but that would have been the rational thing to do. I walked up to Shitty Roommate and loudly exclaimed, "Well looks like you have the money to go out, so where the fuck is the rent?"
I wish I had my camera with me at that moment because the look on her face was fuckign priceless. She serious had the deer in headlights look down pat. Seeing me there was the last thing she expected. Some older lady who was with her came over to me and was like, hey no need for this now, we're all just trying to have a good time and we're drunk. I quickly brushed her off and turned back to Shitty Rommate. "Looks like you have no problem getting up here to Milwaukee but funny how you couldn't even run back home first to drop off the rent you promised and owe, which is 12 days late by the way." She started makign excuse, the people she was with didnt' want to come back to drop it off, everyone's phone was dead so she couldn't call and blah blah blah. I quickly cut her off and called bullshit. I told her she was a fucking liar and a couple other things, which I guess in retrospect I probably shouldn't have. But in my defense she was totally dodging me so I had no clue when I would get the chance to confront her about it all. Her older friend came over again and tried to get me to shut up because I was being a bit loud by that point. Instead of just apologizing and telling me when she would have the rent or at least give me some of the money right then, Shitty Rooomate just kept giving me excuses so that just pissed me off even more. Now I have a temper, a very bad temper, but 98% of the time I can keep it in check but I had that look on my face that Mando recognized immediately. She rushed over and tried to drag me away. Older woman was trying to calm me down, saying I could call her and work things out with her, to which I replied I had no fucking clue who she was and Shitty Roommate was old enough to handle her own affairs. All she did was just piss me off even more. Mando turned to her and told her she better shut the fuck up because I was about to explode. Shitty Roommate was just standing there still giving me weak ass excuses, she had been takign care of a friends sick girlfriend all week and her phone had been dead so she couldn't call me and let me know what was going on. I was thisclose to just punching her to shut her the fuck up, because I was so pissed that she honestly thought I was that stupid. I was going to punch her.
I then felt a hand on my arm and turned around and saw Lucky standing there, "Let's just leave it, come on, we'll go somewhere else." Mando was still infront of me and trying to get me to back up. "Fine, alright. No worries." I shouted over to Shitty Roommate who had back up a bit, "You better either have the rent tomorrow or all your shit is on the porch on Sunday and the locks will be changed." I flashed her my most insincere smile at Shitty Roommate and allowed myself to be dragged out of the bar.
Standing in the parking lot I looked at Lucky and felt like the worlds biggest jackass. "I'm so sorry about all that, I'm not normally like that I swear." She gave me this look, like she was sizing me up and trying to tell if I was lying or not. At least that's how it looked to me. She then did the last thing I expected.
I was leaning up against Lollipop's car. She came closer to me and ran her hand down my cheek and gave me this smile. "You better not be." Then she leaned in and kissed me. It wasn't like some drunken sloppy kiss either. It was really gentle and sweet. Not at all what I was use to from a girl I had just met earlier at the bar. You know those drunken, groping, make out sessions that usually result from drinking and flirting with someone you just met that night at the bar. This was completely opposite of that.
Mando, Token and Lollipop were all in the car and wanting to go. Mando yelled out the window that they were going to this other club a few blocks away, before I could respond Lucky told them she would take me. She gave me this cute little smirk and asked if that was ok with me, knowing full well what the answer was already. Mando being the good friend she is was waiting for me to confirm this before leaving, or maybe they were just waiting for me to stop leaning against Lolli's car so they could leave. Either way I nodded to Mando, I was cool and allowed Lucky to lead me to her car. We talked on the way over there about music because she was playing this really cool Ibiza Mix CD I recognized because I have the same one.
The other club was packed. Lucky and I walked around looking for Mando and them for a little bit before just saying screw it and grabbed a drink. It was hard to talk because the music was so loud. A really good tune came on so she dragged me out onto the dancefloor where I pretended to know how to dance, but to be honest I think part of the reason I started DJing was so I wouldn't have to dance. Yes, it's true there are a few things that even I am not good at but my great hair makes up for it. Lucky on the other hand was a great dancer, she completely just flowed with the music. We danced for a few songs and then Mando, Token and Lolli found us. We all went to have a drink together at the back lounge for last call. The mood was light and it felt like all the drama with Shitty Roommate never happened. Before I knew it we were getting pushed out the door because the club was closing.
I walked Lucky to her car and said good bye. She gave me another kiss and told me to call her the next day. I smiled and made some smart ass comment about being to busy chucking the roommates shit out the door. She gave a little laugh and pulled me in for another kiss. "Just make sure your phone is charged." By that time Lolli had pulled her car up to us, so with one last kiss and smile she got in her car and drove away. It wasn't until I had gotten in the car with Mando and them that they started teasing me. The first thing Token asked was why I hadn't try to take her home. To be honest the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, she just didn't seem the type for a seedy one night hook up. She seemed different somehow, more classy than that. With a smile on my face I passed out all the way home.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
My Boy
I'ts amazing what a difference a couple days can make. Especially when you spend them with someone you love. I was going to go to Michfest, my brother was going to stay at my house while I was gone, it was all worked out. I was going to be leaving early Wednesday morning, around 4am to miss the Chicago traffic and be there around 10am, maybe 11am, if I hit really bad traffic. However fate had other plans. I couldn't get the car in to be seen about the little no starting problem and it was running a little rough. I stopped by my sisters just to say hi in the afternoon because I wanted to see the kids before I left and it had been almost a week. I was talking to my sister and brother in law about the car and my brother in law wisely said, "Maybe you shouldn't drive it that far if you are having problems." I was all, nah, it's ok, it will be fine. At that point my nephew, who I love more than anything in this world says to me, "Why don't you stay home and I can come hang out at your house with you for a few days?"
My nephew, who I'll just call The Boy, is 13 and probably the closest thing I will ever have ot having my own child. We are tight, every since he was born I have been his favorite person in the world, not even exaggerating on that. If you look at our family photos, you would be very hard pressed to find any of him without me since he was brought home until the age of 6. He's 13 now, a little skater and one of the coolest kids I know. My sister tells me all the time he is almost exactly like me. We have the same attitude, mannerisms, likes, dislikes, it's weird but nonetheless you can tell The Boy and I are close. I'm on his top 4 on Myspace for Bob's Sake! How many other 13 year olds have their freaking Aunt in their top 8, let alone in the top 4?? So of course that was the final straw that finally made me give in on the Michfest trip. And I couldn't be happier I made that choice. Being around The Boy brings out the very best in me and reminds me why the world is such a great place. It reminds me that no matter if this girl or that girl doesn't want me or hurt me, no matter what, I do have people that truly love me and care about me, that think the world of me, like he does.
I remember when he was around 7 we were driving one night. I had just gotten my convertible so we dropped the top and just cruised around because it was such a nice night out. As we were driving, he was looking up at the stars and looked over at me and said, "Where do you think all the stars came from?"
"I'm not sure, some people think God made them, others think they all came from a tiny little piece of matter that exploded, but I really don't know." He sat there in silence for a few minutes, I glanced over and could tell he was thinking really hard.
Finally, after a few more minutes, he looks over at me with a very serious expresssion on his face, "If it was God then where did he come from?"
"Um, honestly, buddy, I have no clue...God is suppose to just be, like he just is." I had no idea what to say to this little boy who had the tendency to take whatever I said as the absolute truth and make it his own truth. Of course I had my own skeptical views on the whole God creating the universe thing, but I didn't want to push them onto The Boy. He had the right to make up his own mind when matters of faith and God were concerned.
"That doesn't make sense, everything comes from somewhere." My very logical nephew pointed out. "So God had to come from somewhere."
"I don't know, Bud. I guess there are some things we just don't know yet or aren't suppose to know, but maybe one day we'll find out." I was a bit blown away that my 7 year old nephew was having such serious thoughts.
"Yeah, when I get older I'll find out for you." My heart melted at the sincerity in his voice. But I knew that without a doubt, if he ever did figure out that answer I would be the first person he told.
That's just the type of relationship The Boy and I have. He can (and does) have a bad temper and can shoot off his mouth without thinking but he never does it around me. He has never once yelled at me or gotten pissed at me, but I have seen him get that way with other people. It really is a little creepy how much alike we are, I was exactly the same way at his age. Another thing we both share is ADD, so I think we understand each other better than anyone else in our family does. I get so pissed when I hear my brother in law say he's lazy or something like that. He's not lazy, it's just really hard for him to focus, unless he's hyper focused, plus he's 13. What kid at that age doesn't forget to do his chores and stuff?
Spending yesterday and today with him has reminded me that I have come far. It reminded me why I wasn't smoking, why I've joined the gym and am now forcing my ass up at 6am 3 days a week to go work out before work. He reminds that I am a good person. Hanging out with him is better than any night at any club. I would rather spend all night playing Mortal Kombat with him than go camping with thousands of lesbians for a few days. The reason is as he gets older he might not have the time to spend with his Aunt like he does now. As he gets older he's going to have more responsibilities and before I know it he'll be off at college or would rather go out with his friends than spend the night here. He's only young once and I don't want to miss a moment of it. Especially a moment he wants to share with me.
My nephew, who I'll just call The Boy, is 13 and probably the closest thing I will ever have ot having my own child. We are tight, every since he was born I have been his favorite person in the world, not even exaggerating on that. If you look at our family photos, you would be very hard pressed to find any of him without me since he was brought home until the age of 6. He's 13 now, a little skater and one of the coolest kids I know. My sister tells me all the time he is almost exactly like me. We have the same attitude, mannerisms, likes, dislikes, it's weird but nonetheless you can tell The Boy and I are close. I'm on his top 4 on Myspace for Bob's Sake! How many other 13 year olds have their freaking Aunt in their top 8, let alone in the top 4?? So of course that was the final straw that finally made me give in on the Michfest trip. And I couldn't be happier I made that choice. Being around The Boy brings out the very best in me and reminds me why the world is such a great place. It reminds me that no matter if this girl or that girl doesn't want me or hurt me, no matter what, I do have people that truly love me and care about me, that think the world of me, like he does.
I remember when he was around 7 we were driving one night. I had just gotten my convertible so we dropped the top and just cruised around because it was such a nice night out. As we were driving, he was looking up at the stars and looked over at me and said, "Where do you think all the stars came from?"
"I'm not sure, some people think God made them, others think they all came from a tiny little piece of matter that exploded, but I really don't know." He sat there in silence for a few minutes, I glanced over and could tell he was thinking really hard.
Finally, after a few more minutes, he looks over at me with a very serious expresssion on his face, "If it was God then where did he come from?"
"Um, honestly, buddy, I have no clue...God is suppose to just be, like he just is." I had no idea what to say to this little boy who had the tendency to take whatever I said as the absolute truth and make it his own truth. Of course I had my own skeptical views on the whole God creating the universe thing, but I didn't want to push them onto The Boy. He had the right to make up his own mind when matters of faith and God were concerned.
"That doesn't make sense, everything comes from somewhere." My very logical nephew pointed out. "So God had to come from somewhere."
"I don't know, Bud. I guess there are some things we just don't know yet or aren't suppose to know, but maybe one day we'll find out." I was a bit blown away that my 7 year old nephew was having such serious thoughts.
"Yeah, when I get older I'll find out for you." My heart melted at the sincerity in his voice. But I knew that without a doubt, if he ever did figure out that answer I would be the first person he told.
That's just the type of relationship The Boy and I have. He can (and does) have a bad temper and can shoot off his mouth without thinking but he never does it around me. He has never once yelled at me or gotten pissed at me, but I have seen him get that way with other people. It really is a little creepy how much alike we are, I was exactly the same way at his age. Another thing we both share is ADD, so I think we understand each other better than anyone else in our family does. I get so pissed when I hear my brother in law say he's lazy or something like that. He's not lazy, it's just really hard for him to focus, unless he's hyper focused, plus he's 13. What kid at that age doesn't forget to do his chores and stuff?
Spending yesterday and today with him has reminded me that I have come far. It reminded me why I wasn't smoking, why I've joined the gym and am now forcing my ass up at 6am 3 days a week to go work out before work. He reminds that I am a good person. Hanging out with him is better than any night at any club. I would rather spend all night playing Mortal Kombat with him than go camping with thousands of lesbians for a few days. The reason is as he gets older he might not have the time to spend with his Aunt like he does now. As he gets older he's going to have more responsibilities and before I know it he'll be off at college or would rather go out with his friends than spend the night here. He's only young once and I don't want to miss a moment of it. Especially a moment he wants to share with me.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Things that go Boom in the Day
I was enjoying a perfectly good dream this morning that for some reason involved Pam Anderson or Mrs. Kid Rock showing me just how flexible she was, which in itself is odd because I can't think of one time in my life that I lusted after her let alone wondered how flexible she was but I digress. Pam was just about to re-enact her first honeymoon tape with me when I was awaken with a huge BOOOOOM noise outside. My bed shook, or maybe it was me shaking, I'm not sure. It sounded like it had come right from outside my bedroom window. I thought at first it was a bomb, in my still sleep haze I thought, "Why would terrorists bomb Wisconsin?"
I looked out my bedroom window but couldn't see anything burning or amiss. I think I might have startled a squirrel that was doing whatever the hell squirrels do on the ground when they aren't in trees because he looked at me like I had caught him in some guilty act (he really did have a guilty look on his little squirrelly face). He quickly darted away and probably up one of the trees in the backyard to do whatever it is squirrels do in trees.
I got out of bed and to show you how living in my "mobile home community" has changed me, I didn't think twice about stepping out onto my deck in my PJ bottoms and my wifebeater. Did I mention it was a little after noon at this point? In another time, place, situation my house could have been on fire and I still would have to get dressed and at least put one product in my hair before stepping outside.
By this time a growing crowd of neighbors had assembled outside as well. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or a little scared to see I wasn't the only one in PJs still, hell one neighbor came outside in just his boxers and a wifebeater. I never realized how many neighbors I had that seem to be home at just after noon on a Tuesday. Am I really in the minority here by having an actual job? Or did everyone decide to take the same week of vacation as me? After noticing the amount of neighbors and what they were wearing, I finally noticed the bit of smoking coming from behind the trailer across the street from me. In the distance I heard the faint sound of sirens getting closer.
Leaning over my deck railing I called over to Babymaker, "Hey, what happened?"
"Someone blew up Perpetual Fixer upper Guy's shed." he replied while holding one of his dozens of kids while two more ran around him.
"Damn, is he ok?" Ok I guess I should explain a bit about Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy. He moved into our little community about 3 months ago across the street from me and every since he has moved in he's been "fixing" up his trailer. Though to be honest he drinks and parties all night, loudly, more than I have seen him do actual work on the place. Though he does have tools all over and wood and various bits of fixer upper kinda stuff laying around his place.
"Yeah, it looks like something caught on fire in the shed and he had a gas can in there that went up." One of Babymakers kids was trying to get away from him. He oh so casually jut grabbed the child by the back of the neck, not missing a beat in his explaination of the loud BOOM noise.
"Damn, that's crazy." At that point the fire truck and police cars had pulled up. I had to hand it to Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy, he had put most of it out on his with his water hose by the time they got there.
An even bigger crowd had assembled on the sidewalk in front of my house and around with the arrival of the fire trucks. I decided it was time to go in and at least put on a T-Shirt and shorts. I didn't want all my neighbors to think I just hung out in my PJs all day like they did. My mom had pounded it into my head that it always mattered what the neighbors thought, even trailer trash ones like mine.
I looked out my bedroom window but couldn't see anything burning or amiss. I think I might have startled a squirrel that was doing whatever the hell squirrels do on the ground when they aren't in trees because he looked at me like I had caught him in some guilty act (he really did have a guilty look on his little squirrelly face). He quickly darted away and probably up one of the trees in the backyard to do whatever it is squirrels do in trees.
I got out of bed and to show you how living in my "mobile home community" has changed me, I didn't think twice about stepping out onto my deck in my PJ bottoms and my wifebeater. Did I mention it was a little after noon at this point? In another time, place, situation my house could have been on fire and I still would have to get dressed and at least put one product in my hair before stepping outside.
By this time a growing crowd of neighbors had assembled outside as well. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or a little scared to see I wasn't the only one in PJs still, hell one neighbor came outside in just his boxers and a wifebeater. I never realized how many neighbors I had that seem to be home at just after noon on a Tuesday. Am I really in the minority here by having an actual job? Or did everyone decide to take the same week of vacation as me? After noticing the amount of neighbors and what they were wearing, I finally noticed the bit of smoking coming from behind the trailer across the street from me. In the distance I heard the faint sound of sirens getting closer.
Leaning over my deck railing I called over to Babymaker, "Hey, what happened?"
"Someone blew up Perpetual Fixer upper Guy's shed." he replied while holding one of his dozens of kids while two more ran around him.
"Damn, is he ok?" Ok I guess I should explain a bit about Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy. He moved into our little community about 3 months ago across the street from me and every since he has moved in he's been "fixing" up his trailer. Though to be honest he drinks and parties all night, loudly, more than I have seen him do actual work on the place. Though he does have tools all over and wood and various bits of fixer upper kinda stuff laying around his place.
"Yeah, it looks like something caught on fire in the shed and he had a gas can in there that went up." One of Babymakers kids was trying to get away from him. He oh so casually jut grabbed the child by the back of the neck, not missing a beat in his explaination of the loud BOOM noise.
"Damn, that's crazy." At that point the fire truck and police cars had pulled up. I had to hand it to Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy, he had put most of it out on his with his water hose by the time they got there.
An even bigger crowd had assembled on the sidewalk in front of my house and around with the arrival of the fire trucks. I decided it was time to go in and at least put on a T-Shirt and shorts. I didn't want all my neighbors to think I just hung out in my PJs all day like they did. My mom had pounded it into my head that it always mattered what the neighbors thought, even trailer trash ones like mine.
I Can't Say it, So I'll Just play it
Give it a minute to load but it works and it's not Linkin Park.....
Sometimes there are too many words/thoughts/emotions running through my head and music really just gets it out a lot better than I can.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Day 6 stress is killing me
I have this really awesome post I've been working on off and on all night but I can't make the words come out right because either I sound like a total pussy who doesn't want to give up or I sound like a total uncaring asshole, I can't find a middle ground that will allow me to express what's going on in my head without pissing off anyone. And before anyone gets any ideas, it's not just one person I'm worried about pissing off because the truth of the matter is I think I'm more pissed at myself for even caring what the fuck anyone thinks about what the fuck I write because I write for me. I write so I can sort shit out in my crazy ADD mind. I write because my shrink thinks it's a good idea. I want to write a funny witty post, because I am good at the funny witty stuff but I'm not feeling very humorous. I'm feeling incredibly stupid, crabby, unappreciated and disappointed.
And I'm pissed, I'm pissed that I was so easy to just throw away, I'm pissed that I smoked 3 fucking cigarettes today, so that leads me to be pissed about being weak. I'm pissed because my roommate used the last of my fucking tampons and didn't even have the decency to let me know because it would be too much to expect her to replace them. I'm pissed because I was suppose to go to Michfest this week and now I might not be able to go because I can't trust my roommate to look after the cats while I'm gone and not have all kinds of crazy people over here that I don't know and would rip me off. I'm pissed because I let myself get into these situations where I have all the faith in the world in people only to get fucked over or hurt or a big fucking "I told you so" from some of my so called friends.
I'm pissed because it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to make things better in my life, I feel like I'm a fucking hamster in one of those wheels always running but never getting anywhere. I'm pissed because I fucked the one girl I told myself I wouldn't anymore because she always makes me feel like shit except when we are having sex. I'm especially pissed about that because I'm the one that called her to hook up because I knew she was between girlfriends because she made a point of telling that last weekend. I'm pissed because I know I did it for all the wrong fucking reasons. I'm also really disappointed in myself because I told myself I wasn't going to go back to my old ways but calling Kel is definitely of the old. I'm pissed because I let myself get caught up and hurt, something I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore. I'm pissed because I have a brother on his way to fucking Iraq and another doing everything he can to get there. I'm pissed because my mom only calls me to tell me how I should be living my life and pointing out how much time I've wasted. I'm pissed because I seem to have the worst fucking luck(?) with girls, I always ALWAYS fall for the ones I know are going to break my heart, I can never fall for the nice, unattached, uncomplicated ones. That would make life to fucking easy. I'm pissed because I really thought I was being careful this time, only to be told I was uninvited into her life and that fucking stung. I did everything I could to be sure before getting caught up but apparently I'm a fuckhead who has no concept of what being emotionally safe means. I'm pissed because the two people I could actually talk to about things and knew me better than anyone are both gone. I am so FUCKING pissed that Brent and Anthony aren't here. I'm pissed off about the fact that even though I'm going through all this shit to quit smoking I actually cheated and smoked and that there is no guarantee that it's going to make any difference in how long I'll live. I'm pissed that I met this cool person I could talk to who won't talk to me at all. I'm pissed because I complicate things. I'm pissed because I feel like I am going through all this alone which in reality, I am.
This is not a poor me post, this is a "I am fucking fed up with how things are going and have been going" post. This is me venting because I'm so fucking sick and tired of being the asshole or the fool. I really need to find my happy little fuck it, no worries attitude because pissed off me is no fucking fun at all. I really did have a lot more fun when I just didn't give a shit about anything because really what was the point? I use to have this laid back attitude but every since I lost Brent I lost that. I just hope I can find it again. Life is serious but it's not this fucking serious, honestly, it's funny and weird and sad and amazing and beautiful and ugly and interesting but lately all I can see is the seriousness of it all and that's no fun at all.
Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes. Tomorrow I won't smoke even one cigarette, tomorrow I'll wake up and tell myself it's a great day, even if it's not, I'll keep telling myself that until it is. The rest can sort itself out.
And I'm pissed, I'm pissed that I was so easy to just throw away, I'm pissed that I smoked 3 fucking cigarettes today, so that leads me to be pissed about being weak. I'm pissed because my roommate used the last of my fucking tampons and didn't even have the decency to let me know because it would be too much to expect her to replace them. I'm pissed because I was suppose to go to Michfest this week and now I might not be able to go because I can't trust my roommate to look after the cats while I'm gone and not have all kinds of crazy people over here that I don't know and would rip me off. I'm pissed because I let myself get into these situations where I have all the faith in the world in people only to get fucked over or hurt or a big fucking "I told you so" from some of my so called friends.
I'm pissed because it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to make things better in my life, I feel like I'm a fucking hamster in one of those wheels always running but never getting anywhere. I'm pissed because I fucked the one girl I told myself I wouldn't anymore because she always makes me feel like shit except when we are having sex. I'm especially pissed about that because I'm the one that called her to hook up because I knew she was between girlfriends because she made a point of telling that last weekend. I'm pissed because I know I did it for all the wrong fucking reasons. I'm also really disappointed in myself because I told myself I wasn't going to go back to my old ways but calling Kel is definitely of the old. I'm pissed because I let myself get caught up and hurt, something I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore. I'm pissed because I have a brother on his way to fucking Iraq and another doing everything he can to get there. I'm pissed because my mom only calls me to tell me how I should be living my life and pointing out how much time I've wasted. I'm pissed because I seem to have the worst fucking luck(?) with girls, I always ALWAYS fall for the ones I know are going to break my heart, I can never fall for the nice, unattached, uncomplicated ones. That would make life to fucking easy. I'm pissed because I really thought I was being careful this time, only to be told I was uninvited into her life and that fucking stung. I did everything I could to be sure before getting caught up but apparently I'm a fuckhead who has no concept of what being emotionally safe means. I'm pissed because the two people I could actually talk to about things and knew me better than anyone are both gone. I am so FUCKING pissed that Brent and Anthony aren't here. I'm pissed off about the fact that even though I'm going through all this shit to quit smoking I actually cheated and smoked and that there is no guarantee that it's going to make any difference in how long I'll live. I'm pissed that I met this cool person I could talk to who won't talk to me at all. I'm pissed because I complicate things. I'm pissed because I feel like I am going through all this alone which in reality, I am.
This is not a poor me post, this is a "I am fucking fed up with how things are going and have been going" post. This is me venting because I'm so fucking sick and tired of being the asshole or the fool. I really need to find my happy little fuck it, no worries attitude because pissed off me is no fucking fun at all. I really did have a lot more fun when I just didn't give a shit about anything because really what was the point? I use to have this laid back attitude but every since I lost Brent I lost that. I just hope I can find it again. Life is serious but it's not this fucking serious, honestly, it's funny and weird and sad and amazing and beautiful and ugly and interesting but lately all I can see is the seriousness of it all and that's no fun at all.
Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes. Tomorrow I won't smoke even one cigarette, tomorrow I'll wake up and tell myself it's a great day, even if it's not, I'll keep telling myself that until it is. The rest can sort itself out.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
I was Used for Sex!
When I first figured it out I was like, "That bitch! She totally broke my heart!" Then I thought about it. If she had just followed the rules for for hot lusty hook ups then a lot of the bullshit I have gone through could and would have been avoided. See the first thing is she told me she was single, I even questioned that and she assured me she was. Then she dropped the l-bomb and got all emotionally close and attached. Then I allowed myself to get all emotionally attached when if she would have just been all straight up ( no pun intended) about just finding me completely fuckable I would have be flattered and NEVER EVER allowed myself to get emotionally close. I would have never allowed myself to entertain the thought of a future and a little family together, NEVER.
See had I known it for what it was, things would have been so much different. I would have been having a lot more fun, that's for damn sure. I definitely wouldn't have wasted time by the small getting to know you bullshit, it would have been nothing but hot, lusty sex. Or even better hot, lusty, SECRET, sex.... So for those who don't know the rules, or just need a little refresher, these are the rules if you just want to hook up but have no intention of taking it further than sex.
1. Don't talk about a relationship
2. Don't talk about a future together
3. DO NOT EVER SAY THE L WORD
4. If you are with someone already be honest about it (it lets the other person know why they have to keep it on the down low)
5. Don't let the other person be lead to believe it could be more than it is, if it's just sex, than say that ( that so keeps feelings from getting hurt and or involved)
6. Don't tell me about your day, your hopes, your dreams, your wants unless it's what you want me to do to you in bed (or the kitchen floor, or outside at night, whatever floats your boat)
7. If you do develop feelings keep them to yourself, especially if you are with someone else still
8. Don't tell me about your partner, or bitch about your life, we aren't dating, we are just have sex, you have a partner to bitch to, I am not that person
9. If you want to cheat on your partner with me, hey that's your deal, not mine but it would be nice to know that they do exist but that should be the only time you mention them (I know kind of the same as number 4 but I don't' care about the cheating part, I'm not with you so you're not cheating on me)
10. We can have some great, sneaky, kinky, lusty, times but only if you can follow the rules and just take that moment for what it was and don't try to make anything more than it is out of it.
If you aren't going to leave your partner, don't let me think you want to be with me for more than just sex. DON'T LIE TO ME ABOUT IT. Maybe down the road we could be friends but really that would be awkward, having to be around your partner and pretend that I didn't just have his girlfriend wetter than a garden hose on full blast just the night before. I didn't want a relationship, or any of the bullshit that comes with it. I just fell for all the pretty words and emotions getting thrown at me. This way, I get all the great hot sex and none of the bitching, moaning everyday relationship bullshit that comes with it. I don't have to remember stupid anniversaries or your random family members names, I just get to have good times with you. I don't get to be the one the pisses you off because I didn't do this or that, I get to be the one that makes you cum until your knees shake and you don't think you can handle anymore. So to bring this back around to the first sentence, at first I was a little pissed and kind of hurt, then my ego kicked in and I was like, fuck yeah, I was used for sex, that's hot.
So if you think you can follow the rules then it's game on.
See had I known it for what it was, things would have been so much different. I would have been having a lot more fun, that's for damn sure. I definitely wouldn't have wasted time by the small getting to know you bullshit, it would have been nothing but hot, lusty sex. Or even better hot, lusty, SECRET, sex.... So for those who don't know the rules, or just need a little refresher, these are the rules if you just want to hook up but have no intention of taking it further than sex.
1. Don't talk about a relationship
2. Don't talk about a future together
3. DO NOT EVER SAY THE L WORD
4. If you are with someone already be honest about it (it lets the other person know why they have to keep it on the down low)
5. Don't let the other person be lead to believe it could be more than it is, if it's just sex, than say that ( that so keeps feelings from getting hurt and or involved)
6. Don't tell me about your day, your hopes, your dreams, your wants unless it's what you want me to do to you in bed (or the kitchen floor, or outside at night, whatever floats your boat)
7. If you do develop feelings keep them to yourself, especially if you are with someone else still
8. Don't tell me about your partner, or bitch about your life, we aren't dating, we are just have sex, you have a partner to bitch to, I am not that person
9. If you want to cheat on your partner with me, hey that's your deal, not mine but it would be nice to know that they do exist but that should be the only time you mention them (I know kind of the same as number 4 but I don't' care about the cheating part, I'm not with you so you're not cheating on me)
10. We can have some great, sneaky, kinky, lusty, times but only if you can follow the rules and just take that moment for what it was and don't try to make anything more than it is out of it.
If you aren't going to leave your partner, don't let me think you want to be with me for more than just sex. DON'T LIE TO ME ABOUT IT. Maybe down the road we could be friends but really that would be awkward, having to be around your partner and pretend that I didn't just have his girlfriend wetter than a garden hose on full blast just the night before. I didn't want a relationship, or any of the bullshit that comes with it. I just fell for all the pretty words and emotions getting thrown at me. This way, I get all the great hot sex and none of the bitching, moaning everyday relationship bullshit that comes with it. I don't have to remember stupid anniversaries or your random family members names, I just get to have good times with you. I don't get to be the one the pisses you off because I didn't do this or that, I get to be the one that makes you cum until your knees shake and you don't think you can handle anymore. So to bring this back around to the first sentence, at first I was a little pissed and kind of hurt, then my ego kicked in and I was like, fuck yeah, I was used for sex, that's hot.
So if you think you can follow the rules then it's game on.
Day 5 because I missed day 4
Yesterday by far had to be the hardest day yet. No fooling, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital because I couldn't freaking breath. I woke up around 7am, hacking and I couldn't stop until 8:30am. I seriously thought I was gonna pass out, I tried to go back to sleep because I was still really tired, but everytime I laid down I would start coughing and i couldn't breath again. So i finally went into the livingroom and sat in chair that reclines a bit to where I continued to wake up, cough for awhile, fall back asleep, wake up, cough some more, fall back asleep. I did that all day, I think I was awake the longest for maybe two hours straight until around 8:30pm when I went to Walgreens to see if there was anything I could get to get this hacking, yucky cough to go away. Or you know, at least breath a little.
I know this is just my bodies way of getting rid of all the crap that I have allowed in my lungs from years of smoking but fuck me. I swear the getting healthier part is worse than when I was smoking. I keep telling myself, this will pass, but in the mean time, it sucks! I have zero energy, I've only been awake today since about 9:30am and already I'm thinking about taking a nap! I freaking nap. I know I'm getting old but come on this is ridiculous. At least I can breath today, I found these awesome pills at Walgreens and they are really helping, so thats a plus. As soon as this hacking my lungs up all day phase passes I'm going to start going to the gym. Everything I have read about quitting smoking recommends working out regularly so thats what I am going to do. Besides I'm scared that I'm gonna gain weight if I don't work out and I definately don't want that.
This is hard stuff.
I know this is just my bodies way of getting rid of all the crap that I have allowed in my lungs from years of smoking but fuck me. I swear the getting healthier part is worse than when I was smoking. I keep telling myself, this will pass, but in the mean time, it sucks! I have zero energy, I've only been awake today since about 9:30am and already I'm thinking about taking a nap! I freaking nap. I know I'm getting old but come on this is ridiculous. At least I can breath today, I found these awesome pills at Walgreens and they are really helping, so thats a plus. As soon as this hacking my lungs up all day phase passes I'm going to start going to the gym. Everything I have read about quitting smoking recommends working out regularly so thats what I am going to do. Besides I'm scared that I'm gonna gain weight if I don't work out and I definately don't want that.
This is hard stuff.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Day 3 part 1 Too Early
Ok see what happens when you go to bed to early? You wake up way way way to early. I've gotten more done this morning before 7am then I have for all of last week. I really want a cigarette but I think that might be due to the fact my patch is wearing off but I have a couple more hours until I change it. I was up at 6am, so I took a shower and everything smelled stale and nasty so I started major laundry, like EVERYTHING. I started with the bedding and while that was in the washer I started cleaning out my room. Bye bye ashtrays, I won't miss knocking you over after coming home from the bar. Bye bye stale smoke smell, I won't miss you on those rare occassions my nose isn't stuffed up and I can smell. Bye bye ashes all over, I won't miss breathing you in. Bye bye lighters, hmm, on second thought, I'll keep the lighters, they come in handy when I light candles.
So it's been a couple hours now. In that time I have; run to the grocery store, went to Walgreens to return the fan I bought on Monday that stopped working last night, did another load of laundry and sorted out a lot more for after work, woke up my roommate and explained how she was slacking on her side of the deal. (Sidebar here, when my roommate moved in we had decided that instead of paying half of everything which she can't afford she would pay $200 rent plus half the electric/gas bill and half the water bill, I would cover the rest. In addition she was to clean the house, not just pick it up, but to really clean the house, dusting, mopping, dishes, you know the whole thing. Which she hasn't been in months, so I woke her up at 9:00 am to discuss it.) So we talked about the fact that I have been paying not only for most of everything because she has never gotten her rent to me before the last week of the month is was due but that she's never bought her own shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, tampons, nothing. I buy the cleaning supplies, napkins, paper towels, paper plates, most of the groceries, you get the idea. She couldn't argue because really what could she say? So I told her, you need to keep up your side of the deal and if you can't than you need to find another place to live.
Then after spreading that little ray of sunshine I took another shower because I had gotten all glisteny cleaning and stuff. I got dressed and came to work. Where I am now finishing this post because today at work has been yet another day of being short staffed, crabby customers and no lunch. But today is my Friday so thats good.
So it's been a couple hours now. In that time I have; run to the grocery store, went to Walgreens to return the fan I bought on Monday that stopped working last night, did another load of laundry and sorted out a lot more for after work, woke up my roommate and explained how she was slacking on her side of the deal. (Sidebar here, when my roommate moved in we had decided that instead of paying half of everything which she can't afford she would pay $200 rent plus half the electric/gas bill and half the water bill, I would cover the rest. In addition she was to clean the house, not just pick it up, but to really clean the house, dusting, mopping, dishes, you know the whole thing. Which she hasn't been in months, so I woke her up at 9:00 am to discuss it.) So we talked about the fact that I have been paying not only for most of everything because she has never gotten her rent to me before the last week of the month is was due but that she's never bought her own shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, tampons, nothing. I buy the cleaning supplies, napkins, paper towels, paper plates, most of the groceries, you get the idea. She couldn't argue because really what could she say? So I told her, you need to keep up your side of the deal and if you can't than you need to find another place to live.
Then after spreading that little ray of sunshine I took another shower because I had gotten all glisteny cleaning and stuff. I got dressed and came to work. Where I am now finishing this post because today at work has been yet another day of being short staffed, crabby customers and no lunch. But today is my Friday so thats good.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Day 2
Ok ok ok, I slipped, I had a cigarette, but in my defense, today was one fucked up day. I didn't get out of work until 9:50pm. Normally we are out of there by 8:15pm. Plus I didn't get a lunch break and I know I'm a bit irritable but some people really need to learn to control their kids in public a bit more, blah. I could go on but really I don't even feel like it, all I want is a cigarette, so I guess I'll just go to bed.
How to Fix Your Computer
I had noticed a certain someone's computer wasn't working so I decided I would add a nice little guide on what I would do to fix it and include links to all the fun free software I use.
First you want to download some antivirus software and luckily one of the best is also free, I heart good, free software. Ok, you want to download AVG, download it and then run it.
Second after running the AVG and getting rid of any little nasties it might find, you want to download and run AdAware, I love adaware and have been a big fan of it for years. Adaware is really good at gettign rid of the crap the internet can load onto your computer. It's also really easy to use. I also like to run SpyBot: Search and Destroy. I can say with almost 100% certainty these three when use together will get rid of just about any bad mojo on your computer. And the best part is they are free, well known and tested. That means they aren't going to be loading any other crap on your computer.
I suggest you reboot your computer after running each because sometimes these sneaky little virus' and adware embed themselves in to the actual start up programing. I know all three of these programs will give you the chance to run at start up if they were unable to get everything the first time. Also I can't stress enough how important it is to update them, they all have a nice little Update button that makes it quite easy.
Now after cleaning your system, which will take awhile probably an hour or so. I suggest you get a good firewall to keep unauthorized programs from acessing the web and sending your data to others who might not use it for the most honorable reasons. A good one I use is Sygate, it is really easy to customize and control what info comes and goes from your computer.
I am only posting this because I want to spread a little more love and a little less hate, even though I am still not liking life to much right now and I'm coughing more today than I have in a while, so I guess that means so of that nastiness is starting to loosen up.
First you want to download some antivirus software and luckily one of the best is also free, I heart good, free software. Ok, you want to download AVG, download it and then run it.
Second after running the AVG and getting rid of any little nasties it might find, you want to download and run AdAware, I love adaware and have been a big fan of it for years. Adaware is really good at gettign rid of the crap the internet can load onto your computer. It's also really easy to use. I also like to run SpyBot: Search and Destroy. I can say with almost 100% certainty these three when use together will get rid of just about any bad mojo on your computer. And the best part is they are free, well known and tested. That means they aren't going to be loading any other crap on your computer.
I suggest you reboot your computer after running each because sometimes these sneaky little virus' and adware embed themselves in to the actual start up programing. I know all three of these programs will give you the chance to run at start up if they were unable to get everything the first time. Also I can't stress enough how important it is to update them, they all have a nice little Update button that makes it quite easy.
Now after cleaning your system, which will take awhile probably an hour or so. I suggest you get a good firewall to keep unauthorized programs from acessing the web and sending your data to others who might not use it for the most honorable reasons. A good one I use is Sygate, it is really easy to customize and control what info comes and goes from your computer.
I am only posting this because I want to spread a little more love and a little less hate, even though I am still not liking life to much right now and I'm coughing more today than I have in a while, so I guess that means so of that nastiness is starting to loosen up.
Day 1 I Hate You World
I hate the world, then I went and saw my niece, so I loved the world again for that short time, then after I left, I hated it again. Ok think black lungs, yucky, smokers cough double yucky, lung cancer super yucky.....Oi!
Why must something that came me such pleasure bring me such pain. I am noticing a trend in life, it seems the things or people you love the most always brign the biggest pain. I want a smoke. Maybe I should try the patch and the gum at the same time tomorrow?
Why must something that came me such pleasure bring me such pain. I am noticing a trend in life, it seems the things or people you love the most always brign the biggest pain. I want a smoke. Maybe I should try the patch and the gum at the same time tomorrow?
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Today is the Day
As I am writing this, I am currently smoking what is to be my last cigarette. As if coughing every morning was enough of a reason, I did I little research to kind of scare myself.
This is a smokers lung:
Ok yeah I am so done.
This is a healthy lung:
This is a smokers lung:
Ok yeah I am so done.
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