Dreams and Alarms

Dictionary.com Word of the Day - imbroglio: a complicated and embarrassing state of things.

That pretty much describes the dream I had last night. A little background so you aren't yawning all the way through this. I know how interesting other people's dreams can be, about as interesting as looking at the 50th picture of Maury, the cat belonging to the lonely receptionist down in accounting. With that being said, I'm still gonna share with you. But the background first.

Ok there's this girl, (don't all tragic stories always start with this line or something very close to it?) who told me she loved me, wanted to be with, wanted to have a future with me. Considering I grew to feel the same, so far so good. She has a 3 year old child, ok I like kids so that's fine, still in the goodness category. She has an ex, ok everyone does so no big deal. That she still lives with and is the father of her child, um ok ok ok, it's a good way to work on my trust issues, it's not the best but not the worst situation.... Who isn't so much an ex really but they don't have a physical relationship even though they do still sleep in the same bed, ok alright seriously this is dangerously close to completely popping my bubble of self delusions of future happiness with this girl. And he just bought a house for the three of them to live in, which she is totally excited about...... **POP**

OK, she still says she loves me and such but it just doesn't have the same feeling behind it. I miss that feeling but what can you do? It is what it is. So here's the dream I had last night. I'll use a funky cool different font and stuff to show the difference in dream mode

I have this notebook and I'm trying to write a letter to her, like I get half way done it's to the affect of.. "Dear (Insert her name here), I hate this pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell, I'd go if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there." I can totally see the words including me scribbling out little bits here and there. Then starting over on another page until I have the whole notebook filled up with drafts of this letter that I can't finish, I can't find a way to finish. Some how I end up at her new house but it's not the real new house it's a different house but I know it's her new one, if that makes sense. And I want to show her this notebook, I want her to read it and see how hard I tried to find the words. I want her to react to it somehow. She tells me to hangout in this room that's like a playroom and her brother is there playing video games, but I don't want to play, I really want her to read this notebook and my words, it's like this uncontrollable urge, like everything will become clear and better if she will just read it.

So I walk upstairs and her boyfriend is there with her and they are showing the new house off to these people I don't know but no one notices I'm there. I remember that the walls of the kitchen where like little colored glass cubes and every few were like open and some had candles in them, it was really cool looking. Then she seemed to notice me and told me to go wait out in the backyard. The backyard was huge and had this fence but for some reason I could only go in this little area and I kept getting wet. I couldn't tell from where or how at first because it was dark out but then there was this light, like a halogen light from the street that showed this sprinkler. So everytime it came back down it would hit me. So I went back inside. I was in this other room that I hadn't been in before and she came in and I asked her to give me a tour of the house and she told me no and asked why I was back inside and I told her because the sprinkler kept hitting me and I couldn't get away from it. Then I tried to give her the notebook. She took me by the arm and told me we could talk outside, that we couldn't talk in there. So we went to this different part of her backyard and there was a patio table so we sat down and I opened the notebook and showed her all the pages of the rough draft I had been trying to write to her and I was trying to explain how hard I had worked on it and how important to me it was that she understood and got it. I was feeling really frustrated and discouraged but I knew if she read it and got it everything would be ok. She looked at me and took the notebook and started looking at it... Then of course my alarm started going off and I was kind of still in the dream and hearing my alarm at the same time.. So there was just this sense of urgency but of course I woke up before I got her reaction.

Stupid alarm clock.....