Wants vs. Needs

Lately I have been thinking about what I want and what I really need. I have a lot of wants but surprisingly not as many needs. A want is just that, it's not something required for me to live or substain. Like, I want an Xbox360, like I really really really want one but try as I might there is no argument I can make about how it is needed for me live. I need to quit smoking because if I keep smoking I'm going to die, so I need the patch more than I want an Xbox 360. Because needs outweigh wants. Though it breaks my heart to say so because I want an Xbox 360 so much it's pretty close to a need.

I want to be Angelina Jolie's naughty, little mattress monkey. I need someone who loves me and will be there for me. Having just casual sex with a hottie is all well and good, but it's not so much good for the heart. I want to be loved, but I think maybe that's a need and not a want. I think people can die of loneliness and sadness. I want to be first in someone's life and if not the very first then at least in the top 3. Is that a need, no, but it does make for a very lonely future ahead if I don't get it. Maybe it is a need, because I want to feel needed, no wait, I need to feel needed because living isn't just breathing and going through the motions. It's being alive and striving to find contentment in your own world and skin. So if I look at that then, yes - I need to be a priority to someone. Because doesn't everyone want to be the ONE special someone to someone else?

I have given up trying because just when I thought I had found it, I find that someone else seems to make her happier, seems to make her life complete, seems to be her priority. And who am I to even think to ask her to give up the safe and secure life she has built with him to be with me. Who am I to want her to do that?? I wanted to believe that there is a such thing as a happy ending, but I need to face the facts. I want to believe that if two people honestly love each other they can work it out, but I need to realize that actions speak louder than words.

She's too busy for me, she has this whole other life that I have no clue about or any way into. I try to play it off like I'm perfectly ok with everything but I need to honest. I hate the fact that I have been completely pushed to the side. I hate the fact that I don't matter in her world anymore. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to feel wanted and needed by someone else only to be so quickly tossed aside like a once favorite toy that has been forgotten and replaced. I understand why, but I want it to be different. I want her to need me, like I need her.

I need to get over it, I just don't want to.