Today has been one of those days when there is a ton of things to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I kind of just do a couple things here and there but ultimately only very few things get finished. I did get the new lock for the door, I just haven't put it on yet. I did get half the dishes done and a couple loads of laundry but not my work clothes, which is the most important thing to get done seeing as I have to go back to work tomorrow.
Lucky and I talked for like 6 hours yesterday, she's great but there are a few problems:
1. I don't want a relationship and she's the relationship type
2. She lives 2 hours away
3. She's going to Grad school and will have ZERO spare time very soon here
4. I have other things to concentrate on before I can concentrate on another person
5. The timing is just off and that sucks
6. We just met and already we can't stop thinking about each other, maybe it's just the newness factor
7. I still have someone else on my mind
8. She just got out of a 3 year relationship at the beginning of the summer
9. She's bisexual (ok I know I might get some shit for this one but the only time I have ever gotten seriously hurt was when I got involved with Bisexual girls.)
10. I have issues, like abandonment issues, attention issues, issues that make a long distance relationship shaky at best, fucking insane at worst.
Yes I know we just met on Friday night but she's the one who brought up the whole talk. I was perfectly happy to just flirt on the phone and see what happened, but Lucky, it turns out, is a practical girl. She was quite, um, upfront about it all. She was like, I know there is a strong attraction to each other here but before either of us get any deeper we should talk about a few things. 6 hours later we decided that we'll talk and maybe if there's time hang out on the weekends here and there but to expect anything more from this at this time is just asking for it to fail. I have to admire a girl who is forward thinking and um, blunt. She didn't waste anytime, I guess that's cool. I haven't met anyone in a long time who was more logical than me. What can I really say to that? Well I could say it sucks that it has to be like this. I could say that everything in life really does come down to timing and mine sucks worse than anyone's I know. I could say, fuck the reason and logic. I could say any of that and more but I just found myself agreeing.
I have learned a few things in my almost 30 years in this world and one of them is no matter how logical or illogical it all seems, you still can't help how you feel. Maybe I would have pursued it a bit more and had some objects to her valid points, like maybe I would have found some great counterpoints but to be honest, it's not fair. The reason it's not fair is because as great as she is, she wasn't my first thought this morning when I woke up. I don't want to say I'm jaded but maybe I am a little. I know I'm being overtly cautious. I know I still think about someone else, a lot more than I have reason to. I know that I'm not up to putting myself out there again, yet. This is one of those things that no matter how much I think about it, no matter how many different what if's and scenarios I play over and over in my head, the reality of it will end up being something I never imagined, so why waste the time thinking about it? Only time will tell what will happen.
As a side note, we talked for another 4 hours today... maybe thats why I haven't gotten much done? Nah, I'm just feeling lazy and dreading having to go back to work.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Hot Girls, Bar Brawls and Shitty Roommates
I woke up this morning, er, afternoon actually, and had a few blissful moments before the night before flooded it's way into my pounding head. As a side note here, did you know that a moment really is a measurable unit of time? It's 90 seconds, seriously, I'm not making that up, I was just as floored when I found out. But I digress, as usual.
I decided when I realized I had less than 20 days left to say I was in my 20's I was gonna go out the same way I came into my 20's. And let me tell you, I came roaring into my 20's, I was a hellraiser. Now I failed to take into consideration I was almost 10 years younger than. It's amazing what dirty tricks time can play on a person. I learned a few things last night that I'll share with you. I can not handle 10 shots of tequila anymore, at least not one right after another, I found out my limit before having to praying to the porcelain God is 6. And that was before we even left the house. I think a sane, rational person at that point would have probably called it a night and stayed in, but I wasn't about to be rational last night because time was ticking, I was almost 30 and it was only 9:30pm! So i just went and brushed my teeth then my friends and I left for the fresh adventure that was awaiting us.
My cohorts last night where Mando (who I've been friends with for 10 years), her girlfriend, Lollipop (who I've known for about 2 years), and my gay boy, Token (who I've known for 8 years). Mando was driving and because Token is 6' 2" he rode infront while Lollipop and I rode in back. We got one of those big bottles of Schmirnof Ice and passed it between the two of us while Mando was yelling that we better not be drinking back there. And so we were off to Milwaukee because I had been ordered, not even asked, to appear at a bar up there to see a few friends that hadn't seen me in a couple weeks. We got there without any mishaps, I was feeling pleasantly buzzed and into the bar we went. I was immediately greeted with shouts of "STOKES!!!!!" and had a Norm moment. (Ok see I'm old, I just made a Cheers reference)After making the rounds and greeting all, we got down to drinking and life was good. It got even better when my friend, Irish, introduced me to her friend who I'll just call Yummy, because she was. She had that cute nerdy naughty girl look about her. Not like pocket protector nerdy but that cute you know she's smart and knows her own mind kinda vibe. She was wearing this cute plaid skirt with these fishnet stockings, YUMMY. I am the worlds biggest sucker for little alternative type girls. And she had the cutest beret type hat on, now most people couldn't pull that off but she did and it looked perfect on her. Now I have to disagree with everyone who said I was shamelessly flirting. I was not flirting, I was being nice, I can't help it if I'm charming.
Yummy and I spent quite a bit of time talking and playing pool. Before I knew it almost 2 hours had passed. I was in a right good mood and feeling no pain. Ok even though she is Yummy, I can't just call her Yummy all the time so how about I call her...Lucky, because the shirt she was wearing was white with Lucky written on it in glittery letters. Ok now that is settle I can continue on. Lucky and I played pool, I did a couple well spaced shots with friends and things were progressing nicely. Now for this next part to make any sense I'll have to rewind to what I was doing before my friends had shown up to take me out.
I was waiting, and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate waiting. I was waiting for my roommate who had blown me off for the last 8 days to come back and give me the rent money that she had supposedly ran to go get. She hadn't been home in 8 days and had been stringing me along all week when I would call her to find out what the fuck was going on. She finally returned briefly earlier in the night, around 6pm to get her tattoo gun and with the promise of returning quickly with the rent money she owed me. I waited for almost 3 hours, without any word before I left with my friends. I had tried calling her but of course her phone was off. To say I was a bit perturbed would be putting it lightly.
Now back to the moment at hand. I excused myself to use the restroom and please, gasp in surprise with me as who should I see as I am exiting the restroom? You got it, my wayward roommate. I know i probably should have dropped it for the night bevcause I had been drinking and was pretty well intoxicated by that time but that would have been the rational thing to do. I walked up to Shitty Roommate and loudly exclaimed, "Well looks like you have the money to go out, so where the fuck is the rent?"
I wish I had my camera with me at that moment because the look on her face was fuckign priceless. She serious had the deer in headlights look down pat. Seeing me there was the last thing she expected. Some older lady who was with her came over to me and was like, hey no need for this now, we're all just trying to have a good time and we're drunk. I quickly brushed her off and turned back to Shitty Rommate. "Looks like you have no problem getting up here to Milwaukee but funny how you couldn't even run back home first to drop off the rent you promised and owe, which is 12 days late by the way." She started makign excuse, the people she was with didnt' want to come back to drop it off, everyone's phone was dead so she couldn't call and blah blah blah. I quickly cut her off and called bullshit. I told her she was a fucking liar and a couple other things, which I guess in retrospect I probably shouldn't have. But in my defense she was totally dodging me so I had no clue when I would get the chance to confront her about it all. Her older friend came over again and tried to get me to shut up because I was being a bit loud by that point. Instead of just apologizing and telling me when she would have the rent or at least give me some of the money right then, Shitty Rooomate just kept giving me excuses so that just pissed me off even more. Now I have a temper, a very bad temper, but 98% of the time I can keep it in check but I had that look on my face that Mando recognized immediately. She rushed over and tried to drag me away. Older woman was trying to calm me down, saying I could call her and work things out with her, to which I replied I had no fucking clue who she was and Shitty Roommate was old enough to handle her own affairs. All she did was just piss me off even more. Mando turned to her and told her she better shut the fuck up because I was about to explode. Shitty Roommate was just standing there still giving me weak ass excuses, she had been takign care of a friends sick girlfriend all week and her phone had been dead so she couldn't call me and let me know what was going on. I was thisclose to just punching her to shut her the fuck up, because I was so pissed that she honestly thought I was that stupid. I was going to punch her.
I then felt a hand on my arm and turned around and saw Lucky standing there, "Let's just leave it, come on, we'll go somewhere else." Mando was still infront of me and trying to get me to back up. "Fine, alright. No worries." I shouted over to Shitty Roommate who had back up a bit, "You better either have the rent tomorrow or all your shit is on the porch on Sunday and the locks will be changed." I flashed her my most insincere smile at Shitty Roommate and allowed myself to be dragged out of the bar.
Standing in the parking lot I looked at Lucky and felt like the worlds biggest jackass. "I'm so sorry about all that, I'm not normally like that I swear." She gave me this look, like she was sizing me up and trying to tell if I was lying or not. At least that's how it looked to me. She then did the last thing I expected.
I was leaning up against Lollipop's car. She came closer to me and ran her hand down my cheek and gave me this smile. "You better not be." Then she leaned in and kissed me. It wasn't like some drunken sloppy kiss either. It was really gentle and sweet. Not at all what I was use to from a girl I had just met earlier at the bar. You know those drunken, groping, make out sessions that usually result from drinking and flirting with someone you just met that night at the bar. This was completely opposite of that.
Mando, Token and Lollipop were all in the car and wanting to go. Mando yelled out the window that they were going to this other club a few blocks away, before I could respond Lucky told them she would take me. She gave me this cute little smirk and asked if that was ok with me, knowing full well what the answer was already. Mando being the good friend she is was waiting for me to confirm this before leaving, or maybe they were just waiting for me to stop leaning against Lolli's car so they could leave. Either way I nodded to Mando, I was cool and allowed Lucky to lead me to her car. We talked on the way over there about music because she was playing this really cool Ibiza Mix CD I recognized because I have the same one.
The other club was packed. Lucky and I walked around looking for Mando and them for a little bit before just saying screw it and grabbed a drink. It was hard to talk because the music was so loud. A really good tune came on so she dragged me out onto the dancefloor where I pretended to know how to dance, but to be honest I think part of the reason I started DJing was so I wouldn't have to dance. Yes, it's true there are a few things that even I am not good at but my great hair makes up for it. Lucky on the other hand was a great dancer, she completely just flowed with the music. We danced for a few songs and then Mando, Token and Lolli found us. We all went to have a drink together at the back lounge for last call. The mood was light and it felt like all the drama with Shitty Roommate never happened. Before I knew it we were getting pushed out the door because the club was closing.
I walked Lucky to her car and said good bye. She gave me another kiss and told me to call her the next day. I smiled and made some smart ass comment about being to busy chucking the roommates shit out the door. She gave a little laugh and pulled me in for another kiss. "Just make sure your phone is charged." By that time Lolli had pulled her car up to us, so with one last kiss and smile she got in her car and drove away. It wasn't until I had gotten in the car with Mando and them that they started teasing me. The first thing Token asked was why I hadn't try to take her home. To be honest the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, she just didn't seem the type for a seedy one night hook up. She seemed different somehow, more classy than that. With a smile on my face I passed out all the way home.
I decided when I realized I had less than 20 days left to say I was in my 20's I was gonna go out the same way I came into my 20's. And let me tell you, I came roaring into my 20's, I was a hellraiser. Now I failed to take into consideration I was almost 10 years younger than. It's amazing what dirty tricks time can play on a person. I learned a few things last night that I'll share with you. I can not handle 10 shots of tequila anymore, at least not one right after another, I found out my limit before having to praying to the porcelain God is 6. And that was before we even left the house. I think a sane, rational person at that point would have probably called it a night and stayed in, but I wasn't about to be rational last night because time was ticking, I was almost 30 and it was only 9:30pm! So i just went and brushed my teeth then my friends and I left for the fresh adventure that was awaiting us.
My cohorts last night where Mando (who I've been friends with for 10 years), her girlfriend, Lollipop (who I've known for about 2 years), and my gay boy, Token (who I've known for 8 years). Mando was driving and because Token is 6' 2" he rode infront while Lollipop and I rode in back. We got one of those big bottles of Schmirnof Ice and passed it between the two of us while Mando was yelling that we better not be drinking back there. And so we were off to Milwaukee because I had been ordered, not even asked, to appear at a bar up there to see a few friends that hadn't seen me in a couple weeks. We got there without any mishaps, I was feeling pleasantly buzzed and into the bar we went. I was immediately greeted with shouts of "STOKES!!!!!" and had a Norm moment. (Ok see I'm old, I just made a Cheers reference)After making the rounds and greeting all, we got down to drinking and life was good. It got even better when my friend, Irish, introduced me to her friend who I'll just call Yummy, because she was. She had that cute nerdy naughty girl look about her. Not like pocket protector nerdy but that cute you know she's smart and knows her own mind kinda vibe. She was wearing this cute plaid skirt with these fishnet stockings, YUMMY. I am the worlds biggest sucker for little alternative type girls. And she had the cutest beret type hat on, now most people couldn't pull that off but she did and it looked perfect on her. Now I have to disagree with everyone who said I was shamelessly flirting. I was not flirting, I was being nice, I can't help it if I'm charming.
Yummy and I spent quite a bit of time talking and playing pool. Before I knew it almost 2 hours had passed. I was in a right good mood and feeling no pain. Ok even though she is Yummy, I can't just call her Yummy all the time so how about I call her...Lucky, because the shirt she was wearing was white with Lucky written on it in glittery letters. Ok now that is settle I can continue on. Lucky and I played pool, I did a couple well spaced shots with friends and things were progressing nicely. Now for this next part to make any sense I'll have to rewind to what I was doing before my friends had shown up to take me out.
I was waiting, and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate waiting. I was waiting for my roommate who had blown me off for the last 8 days to come back and give me the rent money that she had supposedly ran to go get. She hadn't been home in 8 days and had been stringing me along all week when I would call her to find out what the fuck was going on. She finally returned briefly earlier in the night, around 6pm to get her tattoo gun and with the promise of returning quickly with the rent money she owed me. I waited for almost 3 hours, without any word before I left with my friends. I had tried calling her but of course her phone was off. To say I was a bit perturbed would be putting it lightly.
Now back to the moment at hand. I excused myself to use the restroom and please, gasp in surprise with me as who should I see as I am exiting the restroom? You got it, my wayward roommate. I know i probably should have dropped it for the night bevcause I had been drinking and was pretty well intoxicated by that time but that would have been the rational thing to do. I walked up to Shitty Roommate and loudly exclaimed, "Well looks like you have the money to go out, so where the fuck is the rent?"
I wish I had my camera with me at that moment because the look on her face was fuckign priceless. She serious had the deer in headlights look down pat. Seeing me there was the last thing she expected. Some older lady who was with her came over to me and was like, hey no need for this now, we're all just trying to have a good time and we're drunk. I quickly brushed her off and turned back to Shitty Rommate. "Looks like you have no problem getting up here to Milwaukee but funny how you couldn't even run back home first to drop off the rent you promised and owe, which is 12 days late by the way." She started makign excuse, the people she was with didnt' want to come back to drop it off, everyone's phone was dead so she couldn't call and blah blah blah. I quickly cut her off and called bullshit. I told her she was a fucking liar and a couple other things, which I guess in retrospect I probably shouldn't have. But in my defense she was totally dodging me so I had no clue when I would get the chance to confront her about it all. Her older friend came over again and tried to get me to shut up because I was being a bit loud by that point. Instead of just apologizing and telling me when she would have the rent or at least give me some of the money right then, Shitty Rooomate just kept giving me excuses so that just pissed me off even more. Now I have a temper, a very bad temper, but 98% of the time I can keep it in check but I had that look on my face that Mando recognized immediately. She rushed over and tried to drag me away. Older woman was trying to calm me down, saying I could call her and work things out with her, to which I replied I had no fucking clue who she was and Shitty Roommate was old enough to handle her own affairs. All she did was just piss me off even more. Mando turned to her and told her she better shut the fuck up because I was about to explode. Shitty Roommate was just standing there still giving me weak ass excuses, she had been takign care of a friends sick girlfriend all week and her phone had been dead so she couldn't call me and let me know what was going on. I was thisclose to just punching her to shut her the fuck up, because I was so pissed that she honestly thought I was that stupid. I was going to punch her.
I then felt a hand on my arm and turned around and saw Lucky standing there, "Let's just leave it, come on, we'll go somewhere else." Mando was still infront of me and trying to get me to back up. "Fine, alright. No worries." I shouted over to Shitty Roommate who had back up a bit, "You better either have the rent tomorrow or all your shit is on the porch on Sunday and the locks will be changed." I flashed her my most insincere smile at Shitty Roommate and allowed myself to be dragged out of the bar.
Standing in the parking lot I looked at Lucky and felt like the worlds biggest jackass. "I'm so sorry about all that, I'm not normally like that I swear." She gave me this look, like she was sizing me up and trying to tell if I was lying or not. At least that's how it looked to me. She then did the last thing I expected.
I was leaning up against Lollipop's car. She came closer to me and ran her hand down my cheek and gave me this smile. "You better not be." Then she leaned in and kissed me. It wasn't like some drunken sloppy kiss either. It was really gentle and sweet. Not at all what I was use to from a girl I had just met earlier at the bar. You know those drunken, groping, make out sessions that usually result from drinking and flirting with someone you just met that night at the bar. This was completely opposite of that.
Mando, Token and Lollipop were all in the car and wanting to go. Mando yelled out the window that they were going to this other club a few blocks away, before I could respond Lucky told them she would take me. She gave me this cute little smirk and asked if that was ok with me, knowing full well what the answer was already. Mando being the good friend she is was waiting for me to confirm this before leaving, or maybe they were just waiting for me to stop leaning against Lolli's car so they could leave. Either way I nodded to Mando, I was cool and allowed Lucky to lead me to her car. We talked on the way over there about music because she was playing this really cool Ibiza Mix CD I recognized because I have the same one.
The other club was packed. Lucky and I walked around looking for Mando and them for a little bit before just saying screw it and grabbed a drink. It was hard to talk because the music was so loud. A really good tune came on so she dragged me out onto the dancefloor where I pretended to know how to dance, but to be honest I think part of the reason I started DJing was so I wouldn't have to dance. Yes, it's true there are a few things that even I am not good at but my great hair makes up for it. Lucky on the other hand was a great dancer, she completely just flowed with the music. We danced for a few songs and then Mando, Token and Lolli found us. We all went to have a drink together at the back lounge for last call. The mood was light and it felt like all the drama with Shitty Roommate never happened. Before I knew it we were getting pushed out the door because the club was closing.
I walked Lucky to her car and said good bye. She gave me another kiss and told me to call her the next day. I smiled and made some smart ass comment about being to busy chucking the roommates shit out the door. She gave a little laugh and pulled me in for another kiss. "Just make sure your phone is charged." By that time Lolli had pulled her car up to us, so with one last kiss and smile she got in her car and drove away. It wasn't until I had gotten in the car with Mando and them that they started teasing me. The first thing Token asked was why I hadn't try to take her home. To be honest the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, she just didn't seem the type for a seedy one night hook up. She seemed different somehow, more classy than that. With a smile on my face I passed out all the way home.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
My Boy
I'ts amazing what a difference a couple days can make. Especially when you spend them with someone you love. I was going to go to Michfest, my brother was going to stay at my house while I was gone, it was all worked out. I was going to be leaving early Wednesday morning, around 4am to miss the Chicago traffic and be there around 10am, maybe 11am, if I hit really bad traffic. However fate had other plans. I couldn't get the car in to be seen about the little no starting problem and it was running a little rough. I stopped by my sisters just to say hi in the afternoon because I wanted to see the kids before I left and it had been almost a week. I was talking to my sister and brother in law about the car and my brother in law wisely said, "Maybe you shouldn't drive it that far if you are having problems." I was all, nah, it's ok, it will be fine. At that point my nephew, who I love more than anything in this world says to me, "Why don't you stay home and I can come hang out at your house with you for a few days?"
My nephew, who I'll just call The Boy, is 13 and probably the closest thing I will ever have ot having my own child. We are tight, every since he was born I have been his favorite person in the world, not even exaggerating on that. If you look at our family photos, you would be very hard pressed to find any of him without me since he was brought home until the age of 6. He's 13 now, a little skater and one of the coolest kids I know. My sister tells me all the time he is almost exactly like me. We have the same attitude, mannerisms, likes, dislikes, it's weird but nonetheless you can tell The Boy and I are close. I'm on his top 4 on Myspace for Bob's Sake! How many other 13 year olds have their freaking Aunt in their top 8, let alone in the top 4?? So of course that was the final straw that finally made me give in on the Michfest trip. And I couldn't be happier I made that choice. Being around The Boy brings out the very best in me and reminds me why the world is such a great place. It reminds me that no matter if this girl or that girl doesn't want me or hurt me, no matter what, I do have people that truly love me and care about me, that think the world of me, like he does.
I remember when he was around 7 we were driving one night. I had just gotten my convertible so we dropped the top and just cruised around because it was such a nice night out. As we were driving, he was looking up at the stars and looked over at me and said, "Where do you think all the stars came from?"
"I'm not sure, some people think God made them, others think they all came from a tiny little piece of matter that exploded, but I really don't know." He sat there in silence for a few minutes, I glanced over and could tell he was thinking really hard.
Finally, after a few more minutes, he looks over at me with a very serious expresssion on his face, "If it was God then where did he come from?"
"Um, honestly, buddy, I have no clue...God is suppose to just be, like he just is." I had no idea what to say to this little boy who had the tendency to take whatever I said as the absolute truth and make it his own truth. Of course I had my own skeptical views on the whole God creating the universe thing, but I didn't want to push them onto The Boy. He had the right to make up his own mind when matters of faith and God were concerned.
"That doesn't make sense, everything comes from somewhere." My very logical nephew pointed out. "So God had to come from somewhere."
"I don't know, Bud. I guess there are some things we just don't know yet or aren't suppose to know, but maybe one day we'll find out." I was a bit blown away that my 7 year old nephew was having such serious thoughts.
"Yeah, when I get older I'll find out for you." My heart melted at the sincerity in his voice. But I knew that without a doubt, if he ever did figure out that answer I would be the first person he told.
That's just the type of relationship The Boy and I have. He can (and does) have a bad temper and can shoot off his mouth without thinking but he never does it around me. He has never once yelled at me or gotten pissed at me, but I have seen him get that way with other people. It really is a little creepy how much alike we are, I was exactly the same way at his age. Another thing we both share is ADD, so I think we understand each other better than anyone else in our family does. I get so pissed when I hear my brother in law say he's lazy or something like that. He's not lazy, it's just really hard for him to focus, unless he's hyper focused, plus he's 13. What kid at that age doesn't forget to do his chores and stuff?
Spending yesterday and today with him has reminded me that I have come far. It reminded me why I wasn't smoking, why I've joined the gym and am now forcing my ass up at 6am 3 days a week to go work out before work. He reminds that I am a good person. Hanging out with him is better than any night at any club. I would rather spend all night playing Mortal Kombat with him than go camping with thousands of lesbians for a few days. The reason is as he gets older he might not have the time to spend with his Aunt like he does now. As he gets older he's going to have more responsibilities and before I know it he'll be off at college or would rather go out with his friends than spend the night here. He's only young once and I don't want to miss a moment of it. Especially a moment he wants to share with me.
My nephew, who I'll just call The Boy, is 13 and probably the closest thing I will ever have ot having my own child. We are tight, every since he was born I have been his favorite person in the world, not even exaggerating on that. If you look at our family photos, you would be very hard pressed to find any of him without me since he was brought home until the age of 6. He's 13 now, a little skater and one of the coolest kids I know. My sister tells me all the time he is almost exactly like me. We have the same attitude, mannerisms, likes, dislikes, it's weird but nonetheless you can tell The Boy and I are close. I'm on his top 4 on Myspace for Bob's Sake! How many other 13 year olds have their freaking Aunt in their top 8, let alone in the top 4?? So of course that was the final straw that finally made me give in on the Michfest trip. And I couldn't be happier I made that choice. Being around The Boy brings out the very best in me and reminds me why the world is such a great place. It reminds me that no matter if this girl or that girl doesn't want me or hurt me, no matter what, I do have people that truly love me and care about me, that think the world of me, like he does.
I remember when he was around 7 we were driving one night. I had just gotten my convertible so we dropped the top and just cruised around because it was such a nice night out. As we were driving, he was looking up at the stars and looked over at me and said, "Where do you think all the stars came from?"
"I'm not sure, some people think God made them, others think they all came from a tiny little piece of matter that exploded, but I really don't know." He sat there in silence for a few minutes, I glanced over and could tell he was thinking really hard.
Finally, after a few more minutes, he looks over at me with a very serious expresssion on his face, "If it was God then where did he come from?"
"Um, honestly, buddy, I have no clue...God is suppose to just be, like he just is." I had no idea what to say to this little boy who had the tendency to take whatever I said as the absolute truth and make it his own truth. Of course I had my own skeptical views on the whole God creating the universe thing, but I didn't want to push them onto The Boy. He had the right to make up his own mind when matters of faith and God were concerned.
"That doesn't make sense, everything comes from somewhere." My very logical nephew pointed out. "So God had to come from somewhere."
"I don't know, Bud. I guess there are some things we just don't know yet or aren't suppose to know, but maybe one day we'll find out." I was a bit blown away that my 7 year old nephew was having such serious thoughts.
"Yeah, when I get older I'll find out for you." My heart melted at the sincerity in his voice. But I knew that without a doubt, if he ever did figure out that answer I would be the first person he told.
That's just the type of relationship The Boy and I have. He can (and does) have a bad temper and can shoot off his mouth without thinking but he never does it around me. He has never once yelled at me or gotten pissed at me, but I have seen him get that way with other people. It really is a little creepy how much alike we are, I was exactly the same way at his age. Another thing we both share is ADD, so I think we understand each other better than anyone else in our family does. I get so pissed when I hear my brother in law say he's lazy or something like that. He's not lazy, it's just really hard for him to focus, unless he's hyper focused, plus he's 13. What kid at that age doesn't forget to do his chores and stuff?
Spending yesterday and today with him has reminded me that I have come far. It reminded me why I wasn't smoking, why I've joined the gym and am now forcing my ass up at 6am 3 days a week to go work out before work. He reminds that I am a good person. Hanging out with him is better than any night at any club. I would rather spend all night playing Mortal Kombat with him than go camping with thousands of lesbians for a few days. The reason is as he gets older he might not have the time to spend with his Aunt like he does now. As he gets older he's going to have more responsibilities and before I know it he'll be off at college or would rather go out with his friends than spend the night here. He's only young once and I don't want to miss a moment of it. Especially a moment he wants to share with me.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Things that go Boom in the Day
I was enjoying a perfectly good dream this morning that for some reason involved Pam Anderson or Mrs. Kid Rock showing me just how flexible she was, which in itself is odd because I can't think of one time in my life that I lusted after her let alone wondered how flexible she was but I digress. Pam was just about to re-enact her first honeymoon tape with me when I was awaken with a huge BOOOOOM noise outside. My bed shook, or maybe it was me shaking, I'm not sure. It sounded like it had come right from outside my bedroom window. I thought at first it was a bomb, in my still sleep haze I thought, "Why would terrorists bomb Wisconsin?"
I looked out my bedroom window but couldn't see anything burning or amiss. I think I might have startled a squirrel that was doing whatever the hell squirrels do on the ground when they aren't in trees because he looked at me like I had caught him in some guilty act (he really did have a guilty look on his little squirrelly face). He quickly darted away and probably up one of the trees in the backyard to do whatever it is squirrels do in trees.
I got out of bed and to show you how living in my "mobile home community" has changed me, I didn't think twice about stepping out onto my deck in my PJ bottoms and my wifebeater. Did I mention it was a little after noon at this point? In another time, place, situation my house could have been on fire and I still would have to get dressed and at least put one product in my hair before stepping outside.
By this time a growing crowd of neighbors had assembled outside as well. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or a little scared to see I wasn't the only one in PJs still, hell one neighbor came outside in just his boxers and a wifebeater. I never realized how many neighbors I had that seem to be home at just after noon on a Tuesday. Am I really in the minority here by having an actual job? Or did everyone decide to take the same week of vacation as me? After noticing the amount of neighbors and what they were wearing, I finally noticed the bit of smoking coming from behind the trailer across the street from me. In the distance I heard the faint sound of sirens getting closer.
Leaning over my deck railing I called over to Babymaker, "Hey, what happened?"
"Someone blew up Perpetual Fixer upper Guy's shed." he replied while holding one of his dozens of kids while two more ran around him.
"Damn, is he ok?" Ok I guess I should explain a bit about Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy. He moved into our little community about 3 months ago across the street from me and every since he has moved in he's been "fixing" up his trailer. Though to be honest he drinks and parties all night, loudly, more than I have seen him do actual work on the place. Though he does have tools all over and wood and various bits of fixer upper kinda stuff laying around his place.
"Yeah, it looks like something caught on fire in the shed and he had a gas can in there that went up." One of Babymakers kids was trying to get away from him. He oh so casually jut grabbed the child by the back of the neck, not missing a beat in his explaination of the loud BOOM noise.
"Damn, that's crazy." At that point the fire truck and police cars had pulled up. I had to hand it to Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy, he had put most of it out on his with his water hose by the time they got there.
An even bigger crowd had assembled on the sidewalk in front of my house and around with the arrival of the fire trucks. I decided it was time to go in and at least put on a T-Shirt and shorts. I didn't want all my neighbors to think I just hung out in my PJs all day like they did. My mom had pounded it into my head that it always mattered what the neighbors thought, even trailer trash ones like mine.
I looked out my bedroom window but couldn't see anything burning or amiss. I think I might have startled a squirrel that was doing whatever the hell squirrels do on the ground when they aren't in trees because he looked at me like I had caught him in some guilty act (he really did have a guilty look on his little squirrelly face). He quickly darted away and probably up one of the trees in the backyard to do whatever it is squirrels do in trees.
I got out of bed and to show you how living in my "mobile home community" has changed me, I didn't think twice about stepping out onto my deck in my PJ bottoms and my wifebeater. Did I mention it was a little after noon at this point? In another time, place, situation my house could have been on fire and I still would have to get dressed and at least put one product in my hair before stepping outside.
By this time a growing crowd of neighbors had assembled outside as well. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or a little scared to see I wasn't the only one in PJs still, hell one neighbor came outside in just his boxers and a wifebeater. I never realized how many neighbors I had that seem to be home at just after noon on a Tuesday. Am I really in the minority here by having an actual job? Or did everyone decide to take the same week of vacation as me? After noticing the amount of neighbors and what they were wearing, I finally noticed the bit of smoking coming from behind the trailer across the street from me. In the distance I heard the faint sound of sirens getting closer.
Leaning over my deck railing I called over to Babymaker, "Hey, what happened?"
"Someone blew up Perpetual Fixer upper Guy's shed." he replied while holding one of his dozens of kids while two more ran around him.
"Damn, is he ok?" Ok I guess I should explain a bit about Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy. He moved into our little community about 3 months ago across the street from me and every since he has moved in he's been "fixing" up his trailer. Though to be honest he drinks and parties all night, loudly, more than I have seen him do actual work on the place. Though he does have tools all over and wood and various bits of fixer upper kinda stuff laying around his place.
"Yeah, it looks like something caught on fire in the shed and he had a gas can in there that went up." One of Babymakers kids was trying to get away from him. He oh so casually jut grabbed the child by the back of the neck, not missing a beat in his explaination of the loud BOOM noise.
"Damn, that's crazy." At that point the fire truck and police cars had pulled up. I had to hand it to Perpetual Fixer Upper Guy, he had put most of it out on his with his water hose by the time they got there.
An even bigger crowd had assembled on the sidewalk in front of my house and around with the arrival of the fire trucks. I decided it was time to go in and at least put on a T-Shirt and shorts. I didn't want all my neighbors to think I just hung out in my PJs all day like they did. My mom had pounded it into my head that it always mattered what the neighbors thought, even trailer trash ones like mine.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Day 6 stress is killing me
I have this really awesome post I've been working on off and on all night but I can't make the words come out right because either I sound like a total pussy who doesn't want to give up or I sound like a total uncaring asshole, I can't find a middle ground that will allow me to express what's going on in my head without pissing off anyone. And before anyone gets any ideas, it's not just one person I'm worried about pissing off because the truth of the matter is I think I'm more pissed at myself for even caring what the fuck anyone thinks about what the fuck I write because I write for me. I write so I can sort shit out in my crazy ADD mind. I write because my shrink thinks it's a good idea. I want to write a funny witty post, because I am good at the funny witty stuff but I'm not feeling very humorous. I'm feeling incredibly stupid, crabby, unappreciated and disappointed.
And I'm pissed, I'm pissed that I was so easy to just throw away, I'm pissed that I smoked 3 fucking cigarettes today, so that leads me to be pissed about being weak. I'm pissed because my roommate used the last of my fucking tampons and didn't even have the decency to let me know because it would be too much to expect her to replace them. I'm pissed because I was suppose to go to Michfest this week and now I might not be able to go because I can't trust my roommate to look after the cats while I'm gone and not have all kinds of crazy people over here that I don't know and would rip me off. I'm pissed because I let myself get into these situations where I have all the faith in the world in people only to get fucked over or hurt or a big fucking "I told you so" from some of my so called friends.
I'm pissed because it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to make things better in my life, I feel like I'm a fucking hamster in one of those wheels always running but never getting anywhere. I'm pissed because I fucked the one girl I told myself I wouldn't anymore because she always makes me feel like shit except when we are having sex. I'm especially pissed about that because I'm the one that called her to hook up because I knew she was between girlfriends because she made a point of telling that last weekend. I'm pissed because I know I did it for all the wrong fucking reasons. I'm also really disappointed in myself because I told myself I wasn't going to go back to my old ways but calling Kel is definitely of the old. I'm pissed because I let myself get caught up and hurt, something I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore. I'm pissed because I have a brother on his way to fucking Iraq and another doing everything he can to get there. I'm pissed because my mom only calls me to tell me how I should be living my life and pointing out how much time I've wasted. I'm pissed because I seem to have the worst fucking luck(?) with girls, I always ALWAYS fall for the ones I know are going to break my heart, I can never fall for the nice, unattached, uncomplicated ones. That would make life to fucking easy. I'm pissed because I really thought I was being careful this time, only to be told I was uninvited into her life and that fucking stung. I did everything I could to be sure before getting caught up but apparently I'm a fuckhead who has no concept of what being emotionally safe means. I'm pissed because the two people I could actually talk to about things and knew me better than anyone are both gone. I am so FUCKING pissed that Brent and Anthony aren't here. I'm pissed off about the fact that even though I'm going through all this shit to quit smoking I actually cheated and smoked and that there is no guarantee that it's going to make any difference in how long I'll live. I'm pissed that I met this cool person I could talk to who won't talk to me at all. I'm pissed because I complicate things. I'm pissed because I feel like I am going through all this alone which in reality, I am.
This is not a poor me post, this is a "I am fucking fed up with how things are going and have been going" post. This is me venting because I'm so fucking sick and tired of being the asshole or the fool. I really need to find my happy little fuck it, no worries attitude because pissed off me is no fucking fun at all. I really did have a lot more fun when I just didn't give a shit about anything because really what was the point? I use to have this laid back attitude but every since I lost Brent I lost that. I just hope I can find it again. Life is serious but it's not this fucking serious, honestly, it's funny and weird and sad and amazing and beautiful and ugly and interesting but lately all I can see is the seriousness of it all and that's no fun at all.
Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes. Tomorrow I won't smoke even one cigarette, tomorrow I'll wake up and tell myself it's a great day, even if it's not, I'll keep telling myself that until it is. The rest can sort itself out.
And I'm pissed, I'm pissed that I was so easy to just throw away, I'm pissed that I smoked 3 fucking cigarettes today, so that leads me to be pissed about being weak. I'm pissed because my roommate used the last of my fucking tampons and didn't even have the decency to let me know because it would be too much to expect her to replace them. I'm pissed because I was suppose to go to Michfest this week and now I might not be able to go because I can't trust my roommate to look after the cats while I'm gone and not have all kinds of crazy people over here that I don't know and would rip me off. I'm pissed because I let myself get into these situations where I have all the faith in the world in people only to get fucked over or hurt or a big fucking "I told you so" from some of my so called friends.
I'm pissed because it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to make things better in my life, I feel like I'm a fucking hamster in one of those wheels always running but never getting anywhere. I'm pissed because I fucked the one girl I told myself I wouldn't anymore because she always makes me feel like shit except when we are having sex. I'm especially pissed about that because I'm the one that called her to hook up because I knew she was between girlfriends because she made a point of telling that last weekend. I'm pissed because I know I did it for all the wrong fucking reasons. I'm also really disappointed in myself because I told myself I wasn't going to go back to my old ways but calling Kel is definitely of the old. I'm pissed because I let myself get caught up and hurt, something I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore. I'm pissed because I have a brother on his way to fucking Iraq and another doing everything he can to get there. I'm pissed because my mom only calls me to tell me how I should be living my life and pointing out how much time I've wasted. I'm pissed because I seem to have the worst fucking luck(?) with girls, I always ALWAYS fall for the ones I know are going to break my heart, I can never fall for the nice, unattached, uncomplicated ones. That would make life to fucking easy. I'm pissed because I really thought I was being careful this time, only to be told I was uninvited into her life and that fucking stung. I did everything I could to be sure before getting caught up but apparently I'm a fuckhead who has no concept of what being emotionally safe means. I'm pissed because the two people I could actually talk to about things and knew me better than anyone are both gone. I am so FUCKING pissed that Brent and Anthony aren't here. I'm pissed off about the fact that even though I'm going through all this shit to quit smoking I actually cheated and smoked and that there is no guarantee that it's going to make any difference in how long I'll live. I'm pissed that I met this cool person I could talk to who won't talk to me at all. I'm pissed because I complicate things. I'm pissed because I feel like I am going through all this alone which in reality, I am.
This is not a poor me post, this is a "I am fucking fed up with how things are going and have been going" post. This is me venting because I'm so fucking sick and tired of being the asshole or the fool. I really need to find my happy little fuck it, no worries attitude because pissed off me is no fucking fun at all. I really did have a lot more fun when I just didn't give a shit about anything because really what was the point? I use to have this laid back attitude but every since I lost Brent I lost that. I just hope I can find it again. Life is serious but it's not this fucking serious, honestly, it's funny and weird and sad and amazing and beautiful and ugly and interesting but lately all I can see is the seriousness of it all and that's no fun at all.
Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes. Tomorrow I won't smoke even one cigarette, tomorrow I'll wake up and tell myself it's a great day, even if it's not, I'll keep telling myself that until it is. The rest can sort itself out.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
I was Used for Sex!
When I first figured it out I was like, "That bitch! She totally broke my heart!" Then I thought about it. If she had just followed the rules for for hot lusty hook ups then a lot of the bullshit I have gone through could and would have been avoided. See the first thing is she told me she was single, I even questioned that and she assured me she was. Then she dropped the l-bomb and got all emotionally close and attached. Then I allowed myself to get all emotionally attached when if she would have just been all straight up ( no pun intended) about just finding me completely fuckable I would have be flattered and NEVER EVER allowed myself to get emotionally close. I would have never allowed myself to entertain the thought of a future and a little family together, NEVER.
See had I known it for what it was, things would have been so much different. I would have been having a lot more fun, that's for damn sure. I definitely wouldn't have wasted time by the small getting to know you bullshit, it would have been nothing but hot, lusty sex. Or even better hot, lusty, SECRET, sex.... So for those who don't know the rules, or just need a little refresher, these are the rules if you just want to hook up but have no intention of taking it further than sex.
1. Don't talk about a relationship
2. Don't talk about a future together
3. DO NOT EVER SAY THE L WORD
4. If you are with someone already be honest about it (it lets the other person know why they have to keep it on the down low)
5. Don't let the other person be lead to believe it could be more than it is, if it's just sex, than say that ( that so keeps feelings from getting hurt and or involved)
6. Don't tell me about your day, your hopes, your dreams, your wants unless it's what you want me to do to you in bed (or the kitchen floor, or outside at night, whatever floats your boat)
7. If you do develop feelings keep them to yourself, especially if you are with someone else still
8. Don't tell me about your partner, or bitch about your life, we aren't dating, we are just have sex, you have a partner to bitch to, I am not that person
9. If you want to cheat on your partner with me, hey that's your deal, not mine but it would be nice to know that they do exist but that should be the only time you mention them (I know kind of the same as number 4 but I don't' care about the cheating part, I'm not with you so you're not cheating on me)
10. We can have some great, sneaky, kinky, lusty, times but only if you can follow the rules and just take that moment for what it was and don't try to make anything more than it is out of it.
If you aren't going to leave your partner, don't let me think you want to be with me for more than just sex. DON'T LIE TO ME ABOUT IT. Maybe down the road we could be friends but really that would be awkward, having to be around your partner and pretend that I didn't just have his girlfriend wetter than a garden hose on full blast just the night before. I didn't want a relationship, or any of the bullshit that comes with it. I just fell for all the pretty words and emotions getting thrown at me. This way, I get all the great hot sex and none of the bitching, moaning everyday relationship bullshit that comes with it. I don't have to remember stupid anniversaries or your random family members names, I just get to have good times with you. I don't get to be the one the pisses you off because I didn't do this or that, I get to be the one that makes you cum until your knees shake and you don't think you can handle anymore. So to bring this back around to the first sentence, at first I was a little pissed and kind of hurt, then my ego kicked in and I was like, fuck yeah, I was used for sex, that's hot.
So if you think you can follow the rules then it's game on.
See had I known it for what it was, things would have been so much different. I would have been having a lot more fun, that's for damn sure. I definitely wouldn't have wasted time by the small getting to know you bullshit, it would have been nothing but hot, lusty sex. Or even better hot, lusty, SECRET, sex.... So for those who don't know the rules, or just need a little refresher, these are the rules if you just want to hook up but have no intention of taking it further than sex.
1. Don't talk about a relationship
2. Don't talk about a future together
3. DO NOT EVER SAY THE L WORD
4. If you are with someone already be honest about it (it lets the other person know why they have to keep it on the down low)
5. Don't let the other person be lead to believe it could be more than it is, if it's just sex, than say that ( that so keeps feelings from getting hurt and or involved)
6. Don't tell me about your day, your hopes, your dreams, your wants unless it's what you want me to do to you in bed (or the kitchen floor, or outside at night, whatever floats your boat)
7. If you do develop feelings keep them to yourself, especially if you are with someone else still
8. Don't tell me about your partner, or bitch about your life, we aren't dating, we are just have sex, you have a partner to bitch to, I am not that person
9. If you want to cheat on your partner with me, hey that's your deal, not mine but it would be nice to know that they do exist but that should be the only time you mention them (I know kind of the same as number 4 but I don't' care about the cheating part, I'm not with you so you're not cheating on me)
10. We can have some great, sneaky, kinky, lusty, times but only if you can follow the rules and just take that moment for what it was and don't try to make anything more than it is out of it.
If you aren't going to leave your partner, don't let me think you want to be with me for more than just sex. DON'T LIE TO ME ABOUT IT. Maybe down the road we could be friends but really that would be awkward, having to be around your partner and pretend that I didn't just have his girlfriend wetter than a garden hose on full blast just the night before. I didn't want a relationship, or any of the bullshit that comes with it. I just fell for all the pretty words and emotions getting thrown at me. This way, I get all the great hot sex and none of the bitching, moaning everyday relationship bullshit that comes with it. I don't have to remember stupid anniversaries or your random family members names, I just get to have good times with you. I don't get to be the one the pisses you off because I didn't do this or that, I get to be the one that makes you cum until your knees shake and you don't think you can handle anymore. So to bring this back around to the first sentence, at first I was a little pissed and kind of hurt, then my ego kicked in and I was like, fuck yeah, I was used for sex, that's hot.
So if you think you can follow the rules then it's game on.
Day 5 because I missed day 4
Yesterday by far had to be the hardest day yet. No fooling, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital because I couldn't freaking breath. I woke up around 7am, hacking and I couldn't stop until 8:30am. I seriously thought I was gonna pass out, I tried to go back to sleep because I was still really tired, but everytime I laid down I would start coughing and i couldn't breath again. So i finally went into the livingroom and sat in chair that reclines a bit to where I continued to wake up, cough for awhile, fall back asleep, wake up, cough some more, fall back asleep. I did that all day, I think I was awake the longest for maybe two hours straight until around 8:30pm when I went to Walgreens to see if there was anything I could get to get this hacking, yucky cough to go away. Or you know, at least breath a little.
I know this is just my bodies way of getting rid of all the crap that I have allowed in my lungs from years of smoking but fuck me. I swear the getting healthier part is worse than when I was smoking. I keep telling myself, this will pass, but in the mean time, it sucks! I have zero energy, I've only been awake today since about 9:30am and already I'm thinking about taking a nap! I freaking nap. I know I'm getting old but come on this is ridiculous. At least I can breath today, I found these awesome pills at Walgreens and they are really helping, so thats a plus. As soon as this hacking my lungs up all day phase passes I'm going to start going to the gym. Everything I have read about quitting smoking recommends working out regularly so thats what I am going to do. Besides I'm scared that I'm gonna gain weight if I don't work out and I definately don't want that.
This is hard stuff.
I know this is just my bodies way of getting rid of all the crap that I have allowed in my lungs from years of smoking but fuck me. I swear the getting healthier part is worse than when I was smoking. I keep telling myself, this will pass, but in the mean time, it sucks! I have zero energy, I've only been awake today since about 9:30am and already I'm thinking about taking a nap! I freaking nap. I know I'm getting old but come on this is ridiculous. At least I can breath today, I found these awesome pills at Walgreens and they are really helping, so thats a plus. As soon as this hacking my lungs up all day phase passes I'm going to start going to the gym. Everything I have read about quitting smoking recommends working out regularly so thats what I am going to do. Besides I'm scared that I'm gonna gain weight if I don't work out and I definately don't want that.
This is hard stuff.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Day 3 part 1 Too Early
Ok see what happens when you go to bed to early? You wake up way way way to early. I've gotten more done this morning before 7am then I have for all of last week. I really want a cigarette but I think that might be due to the fact my patch is wearing off but I have a couple more hours until I change it. I was up at 6am, so I took a shower and everything smelled stale and nasty so I started major laundry, like EVERYTHING. I started with the bedding and while that was in the washer I started cleaning out my room. Bye bye ashtrays, I won't miss knocking you over after coming home from the bar. Bye bye stale smoke smell, I won't miss you on those rare occassions my nose isn't stuffed up and I can smell. Bye bye ashes all over, I won't miss breathing you in. Bye bye lighters, hmm, on second thought, I'll keep the lighters, they come in handy when I light candles.
So it's been a couple hours now. In that time I have; run to the grocery store, went to Walgreens to return the fan I bought on Monday that stopped working last night, did another load of laundry and sorted out a lot more for after work, woke up my roommate and explained how she was slacking on her side of the deal. (Sidebar here, when my roommate moved in we had decided that instead of paying half of everything which she can't afford she would pay $200 rent plus half the electric/gas bill and half the water bill, I would cover the rest. In addition she was to clean the house, not just pick it up, but to really clean the house, dusting, mopping, dishes, you know the whole thing. Which she hasn't been in months, so I woke her up at 9:00 am to discuss it.) So we talked about the fact that I have been paying not only for most of everything because she has never gotten her rent to me before the last week of the month is was due but that she's never bought her own shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, tampons, nothing. I buy the cleaning supplies, napkins, paper towels, paper plates, most of the groceries, you get the idea. She couldn't argue because really what could she say? So I told her, you need to keep up your side of the deal and if you can't than you need to find another place to live.
Then after spreading that little ray of sunshine I took another shower because I had gotten all glisteny cleaning and stuff. I got dressed and came to work. Where I am now finishing this post because today at work has been yet another day of being short staffed, crabby customers and no lunch. But today is my Friday so thats good.
So it's been a couple hours now. In that time I have; run to the grocery store, went to Walgreens to return the fan I bought on Monday that stopped working last night, did another load of laundry and sorted out a lot more for after work, woke up my roommate and explained how she was slacking on her side of the deal. (Sidebar here, when my roommate moved in we had decided that instead of paying half of everything which she can't afford she would pay $200 rent plus half the electric/gas bill and half the water bill, I would cover the rest. In addition she was to clean the house, not just pick it up, but to really clean the house, dusting, mopping, dishes, you know the whole thing. Which she hasn't been in months, so I woke her up at 9:00 am to discuss it.) So we talked about the fact that I have been paying not only for most of everything because she has never gotten her rent to me before the last week of the month is was due but that she's never bought her own shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, tampons, nothing. I buy the cleaning supplies, napkins, paper towels, paper plates, most of the groceries, you get the idea. She couldn't argue because really what could she say? So I told her, you need to keep up your side of the deal and if you can't than you need to find another place to live.
Then after spreading that little ray of sunshine I took another shower because I had gotten all glisteny cleaning and stuff. I got dressed and came to work. Where I am now finishing this post because today at work has been yet another day of being short staffed, crabby customers and no lunch. But today is my Friday so thats good.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Day 2
Ok ok ok, I slipped, I had a cigarette, but in my defense, today was one fucked up day. I didn't get out of work until 9:50pm. Normally we are out of there by 8:15pm. Plus I didn't get a lunch break and I know I'm a bit irritable but some people really need to learn to control their kids in public a bit more, blah. I could go on but really I don't even feel like it, all I want is a cigarette, so I guess I'll just go to bed.
How to Fix Your Computer
I had noticed a certain someone's computer wasn't working so I decided I would add a nice little guide on what I would do to fix it and include links to all the fun free software I use.
First you want to download some antivirus software and luckily one of the best is also free, I heart good, free software. Ok, you want to download AVG, download it and then run it.
Second after running the AVG and getting rid of any little nasties it might find, you want to download and run AdAware, I love adaware and have been a big fan of it for years. Adaware is really good at gettign rid of the crap the internet can load onto your computer. It's also really easy to use. I also like to run SpyBot: Search and Destroy. I can say with almost 100% certainty these three when use together will get rid of just about any bad mojo on your computer. And the best part is they are free, well known and tested. That means they aren't going to be loading any other crap on your computer.
I suggest you reboot your computer after running each because sometimes these sneaky little virus' and adware embed themselves in to the actual start up programing. I know all three of these programs will give you the chance to run at start up if they were unable to get everything the first time. Also I can't stress enough how important it is to update them, they all have a nice little Update button that makes it quite easy.
Now after cleaning your system, which will take awhile probably an hour or so. I suggest you get a good firewall to keep unauthorized programs from acessing the web and sending your data to others who might not use it for the most honorable reasons. A good one I use is Sygate, it is really easy to customize and control what info comes and goes from your computer.
I am only posting this because I want to spread a little more love and a little less hate, even though I am still not liking life to much right now and I'm coughing more today than I have in a while, so I guess that means so of that nastiness is starting to loosen up.
First you want to download some antivirus software and luckily one of the best is also free, I heart good, free software. Ok, you want to download AVG, download it and then run it.
Second after running the AVG and getting rid of any little nasties it might find, you want to download and run AdAware, I love adaware and have been a big fan of it for years. Adaware is really good at gettign rid of the crap the internet can load onto your computer. It's also really easy to use. I also like to run SpyBot: Search and Destroy. I can say with almost 100% certainty these three when use together will get rid of just about any bad mojo on your computer. And the best part is they are free, well known and tested. That means they aren't going to be loading any other crap on your computer.
I suggest you reboot your computer after running each because sometimes these sneaky little virus' and adware embed themselves in to the actual start up programing. I know all three of these programs will give you the chance to run at start up if they were unable to get everything the first time. Also I can't stress enough how important it is to update them, they all have a nice little Update button that makes it quite easy.
Now after cleaning your system, which will take awhile probably an hour or so. I suggest you get a good firewall to keep unauthorized programs from acessing the web and sending your data to others who might not use it for the most honorable reasons. A good one I use is Sygate, it is really easy to customize and control what info comes and goes from your computer.
I am only posting this because I want to spread a little more love and a little less hate, even though I am still not liking life to much right now and I'm coughing more today than I have in a while, so I guess that means so of that nastiness is starting to loosen up.
Day 1 I Hate You World
I hate the world, then I went and saw my niece, so I loved the world again for that short time, then after I left, I hated it again. Ok think black lungs, yucky, smokers cough double yucky, lung cancer super yucky.....Oi!
Why must something that came me such pleasure bring me such pain. I am noticing a trend in life, it seems the things or people you love the most always brign the biggest pain. I want a smoke. Maybe I should try the patch and the gum at the same time tomorrow?
Why must something that came me such pleasure bring me such pain. I am noticing a trend in life, it seems the things or people you love the most always brign the biggest pain. I want a smoke. Maybe I should try the patch and the gum at the same time tomorrow?
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Today is the Day
As I am writing this, I am currently smoking what is to be my last cigarette. As if coughing every morning was enough of a reason, I did I little research to kind of scare myself.
This is a smokers lung:
Ok yeah I am so done.
This is a healthy lung:
This is a smokers lung:
Ok yeah I am so done.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
This is a Mobile Home Community
A while back the manager of my trailer park sent out a notice about all the trash, old tires, various objects of white trash lawn decorations that where scattered through out the park, sometimes proudly displayed in peoples little, bitsy patch of grass they call our front yard. Other times just left in weird little junkyard type piles behind peoples trailers. In this notice she sent out, she stated that this is NOT a trailer park but a mobile home community. Ok, call me silly but I could call a dwarf a vertically challenged person, or I could call a 500 pound guy gravitationally challenged, but the fact remains, they are still a dwarf and a fat ass, respectively.
Looking around this place, with it's proudly flying rebel flags, NASCAR decals on almost every car (running or mechanically challenged), the empty cases of PBR and Miller High Life surrounding the garbage cans on trash day, the old toilets made into flower pots proudly displayed in yards and the mass' of children running around unattended, it sure feels, looks and smells like a trailer park. You can call it what you want but at the end of the day, this isn't some nice, expensive, gated community. No, this is a trailer park filled with Culturally Disadvantaged Caucasians.
Looking around this place, with it's proudly flying rebel flags, NASCAR decals on almost every car (running or mechanically challenged), the empty cases of PBR and Miller High Life surrounding the garbage cans on trash day, the old toilets made into flower pots proudly displayed in yards and the mass' of children running around unattended, it sure feels, looks and smells like a trailer park. You can call it what you want but at the end of the day, this isn't some nice, expensive, gated community. No, this is a trailer park filled with Culturally Disadvantaged Caucasians.
August 1st D-Day
Alright, I have been crazy busy the last few days between the band stuff, DJing a private party earlier tonight and life. I still haven't even gotten everything ready for vacation but that's still a week away so I have a little time left. Oh I did find time to get a haircut, so that's good because it was looking quite moppy, is that a word even? Oh well it is now. I'll post pics later, I got some good ones this weekend. Oh and I went and saw Clerks 2, I brought a friend who had never seen the original. Now she says we have to see it together. It was GREAT, though I am a Kevin Smith freak. I was laughing my ass off in the theatre, it was good so everyone should go see it.
Alright, so what this post is really about is August 1st, D-day. I am quitting smoking. I have the patches already bought, the nicotine Mint gum is ready and I am mentally prepared. My friend, Carrie is quitting with me so we can give each other moral support. I can do this and I am going to do this. I am sicka nd tired of waking up and coughing like an old man, I am tired of being out of shape because I smoke so much I get short winded too quick. I am ready for a change and this is the birthday present I am giving myself. I'm going to be 30, the big 3-0 on the 27th of Aug and I'm freaking out.
I've tried to quit before but I was such a raging bitch that my girlfriend at the time went out, bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, threw them at me and told me to just have a freaking cigarette and chill out. I was going it cold turkey that time. This time I know that I can't be a bitch so I got the patch, I got the gum, I have these quit smoking relaxation cd's, I am ready. I'm not doing it for anyone but myself, I told my roommate as of Aug. 1st no more smoking in the house, I'm putting away all the ashtrays and such. Now this is no small thing, I'm not the occassional smoker who only has one or two when they drink, no no, I smoke a pack and a half a day. thats 40 cigarettes a day. Oi, no wonder my lungs feel like they are on fire at times, they probably are.
And I have the whole weight gain thing all figured out, I'm just gonna eat a lot of celery and carrots. Once I can actually breath then I'm going to start going to the gym. As it is right now, I'd have a freakign heart attack if I over did it. I think turning 30 has made me realize that if I don't do something this is the body I'm gonna be stuck with and all the bitching and moaning in the world won't change that, I have to change it.
So right now is my time to be selfish. I can't be worried about why someone doesn't talk to me anymore, or if I've done something wrong. I can't worry about whether or not anyone wants to be with me. or loves me, or thinks about me, or even misses me because right now I have to put all my time and energy into myself and getting me to where I want to be. I have a 5 year plan all figured out and I'm ok if I have to do it alone because at least I know I have been true to myself, which is why I am doing this. I want to be healthy and strong - mind, body and soul.
Alright, so what this post is really about is August 1st, D-day. I am quitting smoking. I have the patches already bought, the nicotine Mint gum is ready and I am mentally prepared. My friend, Carrie is quitting with me so we can give each other moral support. I can do this and I am going to do this. I am sicka nd tired of waking up and coughing like an old man, I am tired of being out of shape because I smoke so much I get short winded too quick. I am ready for a change and this is the birthday present I am giving myself. I'm going to be 30, the big 3-0 on the 27th of Aug and I'm freaking out.
I've tried to quit before but I was such a raging bitch that my girlfriend at the time went out, bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, threw them at me and told me to just have a freaking cigarette and chill out. I was going it cold turkey that time. This time I know that I can't be a bitch so I got the patch, I got the gum, I have these quit smoking relaxation cd's, I am ready. I'm not doing it for anyone but myself, I told my roommate as of Aug. 1st no more smoking in the house, I'm putting away all the ashtrays and such. Now this is no small thing, I'm not the occassional smoker who only has one or two when they drink, no no, I smoke a pack and a half a day. thats 40 cigarettes a day. Oi, no wonder my lungs feel like they are on fire at times, they probably are.
And I have the whole weight gain thing all figured out, I'm just gonna eat a lot of celery and carrots. Once I can actually breath then I'm going to start going to the gym. As it is right now, I'd have a freakign heart attack if I over did it. I think turning 30 has made me realize that if I don't do something this is the body I'm gonna be stuck with and all the bitching and moaning in the world won't change that, I have to change it.
So right now is my time to be selfish. I can't be worried about why someone doesn't talk to me anymore, or if I've done something wrong. I can't worry about whether or not anyone wants to be with me. or loves me, or thinks about me, or even misses me because right now I have to put all my time and energy into myself and getting me to where I want to be. I have a 5 year plan all figured out and I'm ok if I have to do it alone because at least I know I have been true to myself, which is why I am doing this. I want to be healthy and strong - mind, body and soul.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tale of Three Brothers
I have three younger brothers; Bill, Jack and Bobby. One by birth and the other two by choice and because they were always there. For as long as I can remember, the three of them have always been together. Around my family when you say "the Boys" everyone knows exactly who you are talking about. I have had the joy and pleasure of watching the three of them grow from annoying brats to three amazing guys. I can still remember them all riding around on their BMX bikes, funny to think they all have crotch rockets now. And that they are all old enough to finally go to the bars. To me they will always be my little brothers even though they all are taller than I am. It amazes me to watch the three of them because they really are like three peas in a pod. They all got into custom cars and tricked out theirs. Then when one got a motorcycle the others got their own within months. It's hard to think of one thing while they were growing up that they all didn't do together.
My biological brother is Bill, he's 21 and a great guy. I think God was determined that Mom and Dad have at least one good kid because Bill is allergic to alcohol, which is ironic considering he's one of the best flair bartenders around. A flair bartender is that cool bartender that can flip bottles around his back and juggle them while pouring the perfect drink, yeah, that's Bill. He can be a bit of a hot head at times but he also one of the most intense guys I have ever known. He reminds me of my dad in that he doesn't talk too much but when he does get serious the wisdom that comes out of his mouth blows me away. He's a determined, stubborn, hard headed guy who sticks to his guns. He knows exactly what he wants and doesn't waiver once he's made up his mind. He does what he has to do to get it done. He also has this soft, caring side that he really doesn't show to anyone except those really close to him.
Bobby is my JewBoy, also 21. That kid is one of the funniest people I know. He's so full of life and fun it's hard to be in a bad mood around him. He's also the biggest daredevil, usually the first one to do something crazy and stupid. He's a little bit of a bad boy but not the kind to get arrested but the kind the can be reckless and live for the moment and not worry to much about the consequences. Not too much ever seems to piss him off, he just laughs things off and doesn't take too much seriously. It's amazing considering how hard his mother was on him growing up. He practically lived at my parents house from junior high on.
Jack is the more reserved one, he just turned 21. Ok he was the more reserved one but I'll get to why I say use to in a minute. Jack has always been the one that had to be talked into going along with the crazier things the other two thought up. He was usually the one that followed the others lead, until last year. He is the one that tries to keep in touch with everyone else in the family. He's also the most emotional out of the three and doesn't mind showing it. That kid has mad love and is such a great guy. I remember quite a few times over the years going to my parents house and Bill would be out or at work and Jack would just be chilling in his room upstairs. His room being, Jacks room because Bill had moved his bedroom downstairs so Jack kinda took over the upstairs one.
I remember the conversation my family and the boys had a couple years ago when Bobby wanted to join the Army right out of high school. I of course went on the whole Bush's Oil War tirade and in the end I thought the matter was dropped, it was for a year. Then out of the blue Jack tell us all he joined the Navy. Yes, our little Jack had done something the others hadn't done first and joined the Navy for 6 freakin' years!!!
I'm not agaisnt the military at all, I'm agaisnt a war that kills our brothers and sisters so that Bush and his fat cat buddies can get richer. My cousin was in the Navy, I have many friends in the Navy, considering I live around one of the biggest Naval Bases around you can't really get away from it around here. I was I bit sad knowing that Jack was going to be gone for so long but I knew at least on a ship he wouldn't be in the line of fire. But then a couple months later the other two get it into their heads that they are going to join. Are they going the nice safe Navy route? Hells no, they go full on Army, infantry no less. You know, the ones on the frontline? Yeah thats what my bonehead brothers signed up for. They made sure that they would be able to train together, be in the same company and division. They wanted to do it all together. So after many tears they left for basic. Less than a month later we get a call, Bill has to come home because he has a problem with his eyes that requires surgery.
Many a person would have taken that as a sign and left it at that but not Bill, oh no, he is hellbent to get back in. He wants to get the surgery done as soon as possible so he can re-enlist and finish basic. He wants to go to Iraq. He told me one night that it's just something he feels he needs to do. Bobby on the other hand doesn't want to go. He just finished basic less than a month ago and less then two weeks later he got his orders. He left for Iraq last Monday. He's going to be stateside for a short time and then sent over. He just got of fucking basic. None of my brothers are killers but I guess when you are fighting for your life and Bush Co.'s oil interests you do what you have to do.
This is the first time since they all met in preschool that they have all been apart. Jack leaves for a ship in a week, Bobby is training and shipping overseas and Bill is here, doing whatever he can to get over there. The war has become personal to many people, especially for the men and women over there who aren't really sure what they are fighting for anymore. I just hope when it's all said and done, all three of my brothers will be back home, in one piece, settling down and giving me more nieces and nephews to dote over. I just don't think things are ever going to be the same for them or any of us again.
I wish I could have just kept them younger for a while more until this was all over. I would give anything to have them hanging out in the driveway with their bicycles, talking about soccer practice or playing a pick up game of basketball. Or to open my parents fridge and ask my mom where all the leftover spagetti she told me she had was, only to have her reply (as always), "the Boys got to it." I do think they have all three become incredible guys, each with much to offer the world. I really pray they all get the chance.
My biological brother is Bill, he's 21 and a great guy. I think God was determined that Mom and Dad have at least one good kid because Bill is allergic to alcohol, which is ironic considering he's one of the best flair bartenders around. A flair bartender is that cool bartender that can flip bottles around his back and juggle them while pouring the perfect drink, yeah, that's Bill. He can be a bit of a hot head at times but he also one of the most intense guys I have ever known. He reminds me of my dad in that he doesn't talk too much but when he does get serious the wisdom that comes out of his mouth blows me away. He's a determined, stubborn, hard headed guy who sticks to his guns. He knows exactly what he wants and doesn't waiver once he's made up his mind. He does what he has to do to get it done. He also has this soft, caring side that he really doesn't show to anyone except those really close to him.
Bobby is my JewBoy, also 21. That kid is one of the funniest people I know. He's so full of life and fun it's hard to be in a bad mood around him. He's also the biggest daredevil, usually the first one to do something crazy and stupid. He's a little bit of a bad boy but not the kind to get arrested but the kind the can be reckless and live for the moment and not worry to much about the consequences. Not too much ever seems to piss him off, he just laughs things off and doesn't take too much seriously. It's amazing considering how hard his mother was on him growing up. He practically lived at my parents house from junior high on.
Jack is the more reserved one, he just turned 21. Ok he was the more reserved one but I'll get to why I say use to in a minute. Jack has always been the one that had to be talked into going along with the crazier things the other two thought up. He was usually the one that followed the others lead, until last year. He is the one that tries to keep in touch with everyone else in the family. He's also the most emotional out of the three and doesn't mind showing it. That kid has mad love and is such a great guy. I remember quite a few times over the years going to my parents house and Bill would be out or at work and Jack would just be chilling in his room upstairs. His room being, Jacks room because Bill had moved his bedroom downstairs so Jack kinda took over the upstairs one.
I remember the conversation my family and the boys had a couple years ago when Bobby wanted to join the Army right out of high school. I of course went on the whole Bush's Oil War tirade and in the end I thought the matter was dropped, it was for a year. Then out of the blue Jack tell us all he joined the Navy. Yes, our little Jack had done something the others hadn't done first and joined the Navy for 6 freakin' years!!!
I'm not agaisnt the military at all, I'm agaisnt a war that kills our brothers and sisters so that Bush and his fat cat buddies can get richer. My cousin was in the Navy, I have many friends in the Navy, considering I live around one of the biggest Naval Bases around you can't really get away from it around here. I was I bit sad knowing that Jack was going to be gone for so long but I knew at least on a ship he wouldn't be in the line of fire. But then a couple months later the other two get it into their heads that they are going to join. Are they going the nice safe Navy route? Hells no, they go full on Army, infantry no less. You know, the ones on the frontline? Yeah thats what my bonehead brothers signed up for. They made sure that they would be able to train together, be in the same company and division. They wanted to do it all together. So after many tears they left for basic. Less than a month later we get a call, Bill has to come home because he has a problem with his eyes that requires surgery.
Many a person would have taken that as a sign and left it at that but not Bill, oh no, he is hellbent to get back in. He wants to get the surgery done as soon as possible so he can re-enlist and finish basic. He wants to go to Iraq. He told me one night that it's just something he feels he needs to do. Bobby on the other hand doesn't want to go. He just finished basic less than a month ago and less then two weeks later he got his orders. He left for Iraq last Monday. He's going to be stateside for a short time and then sent over. He just got of fucking basic. None of my brothers are killers but I guess when you are fighting for your life and Bush Co.'s oil interests you do what you have to do.
This is the first time since they all met in preschool that they have all been apart. Jack leaves for a ship in a week, Bobby is training and shipping overseas and Bill is here, doing whatever he can to get over there. The war has become personal to many people, especially for the men and women over there who aren't really sure what they are fighting for anymore. I just hope when it's all said and done, all three of my brothers will be back home, in one piece, settling down and giving me more nieces and nephews to dote over. I just don't think things are ever going to be the same for them or any of us again.
I wish I could have just kept them younger for a while more until this was all over. I would give anything to have them hanging out in the driveway with their bicycles, talking about soccer practice or playing a pick up game of basketball. Or to open my parents fridge and ask my mom where all the leftover spagetti she told me she had was, only to have her reply (as always), "the Boys got to it." I do think they have all three become incredible guys, each with much to offer the world. I really pray they all get the chance.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Wants vs. Needs
Lately I have been thinking about what I want and what I really need. I have a lot of wants but surprisingly not as many needs. A want is just that, it's not something required for me to live or substain. Like, I want an Xbox360, like I really really really want one but try as I might there is no argument I can make about how it is needed for me live. I need to quit smoking because if I keep smoking I'm going to die, so I need the patch more than I want an Xbox 360. Because needs outweigh wants. Though it breaks my heart to say so because I want an Xbox 360 so much it's pretty close to a need.
I want to be Angelina Jolie's naughty, little mattress monkey. I need someone who loves me and will be there for me. Having just casual sex with a hottie is all well and good, but it's not so much good for the heart. I want to be loved, but I think maybe that's a need and not a want. I think people can die of loneliness and sadness. I want to be first in someone's life and if not the very first then at least in the top 3. Is that a need, no, but it does make for a very lonely future ahead if I don't get it. Maybe it is a need, because I want to feel needed, no wait, I need to feel needed because living isn't just breathing and going through the motions. It's being alive and striving to find contentment in your own world and skin. So if I look at that then, yes - I need to be a priority to someone. Because doesn't everyone want to be the ONE special someone to someone else?
I have given up trying because just when I thought I had found it, I find that someone else seems to make her happier, seems to make her life complete, seems to be her priority. And who am I to even think to ask her to give up the safe and secure life she has built with him to be with me. Who am I to want her to do that?? I wanted to believe that there is a such thing as a happy ending, but I need to face the facts. I want to believe that if two people honestly love each other they can work it out, but I need to realize that actions speak louder than words.
She's too busy for me, she has this whole other life that I have no clue about or any way into. I try to play it off like I'm perfectly ok with everything but I need to honest. I hate the fact that I have been completely pushed to the side. I hate the fact that I don't matter in her world anymore. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to feel wanted and needed by someone else only to be so quickly tossed aside like a once favorite toy that has been forgotten and replaced. I understand why, but I want it to be different. I want her to need me, like I need her.
I need to get over it, I just don't want to.
I want to be Angelina Jolie's naughty, little mattress monkey. I need someone who loves me and will be there for me. Having just casual sex with a hottie is all well and good, but it's not so much good for the heart. I want to be loved, but I think maybe that's a need and not a want. I think people can die of loneliness and sadness. I want to be first in someone's life and if not the very first then at least in the top 3. Is that a need, no, but it does make for a very lonely future ahead if I don't get it. Maybe it is a need, because I want to feel needed, no wait, I need to feel needed because living isn't just breathing and going through the motions. It's being alive and striving to find contentment in your own world and skin. So if I look at that then, yes - I need to be a priority to someone. Because doesn't everyone want to be the ONE special someone to someone else?
I have given up trying because just when I thought I had found it, I find that someone else seems to make her happier, seems to make her life complete, seems to be her priority. And who am I to even think to ask her to give up the safe and secure life she has built with him to be with me. Who am I to want her to do that?? I wanted to believe that there is a such thing as a happy ending, but I need to face the facts. I want to believe that if two people honestly love each other they can work it out, but I need to realize that actions speak louder than words.
She's too busy for me, she has this whole other life that I have no clue about or any way into. I try to play it off like I'm perfectly ok with everything but I need to honest. I hate the fact that I have been completely pushed to the side. I hate the fact that I don't matter in her world anymore. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to feel wanted and needed by someone else only to be so quickly tossed aside like a once favorite toy that has been forgotten and replaced. I understand why, but I want it to be different. I want her to need me, like I need her.
I need to get over it, I just don't want to.
Monday, July 24, 2006
My Dirty Little Secret
It's no secret that I am obsessed with music, with making it, listening to it, buying imports, 7"s, vinyl, rare remixes, I love music. You would be hard pressed to find anyone with a bigger music collection than me. There is one thing though, one type of music I can't stand. I get a lot of shit for it because everyone I know listens to it. And being a music fanatic such as myself it does seem a bit odd that I am really just not into this genre but I've tried. It came as kind of a blow to me when a friend of mine said I had no taste in music or appreciation for music because of this.
I can't stand classic rock, there I said it. I tried to get into it, I tried to pretend that AC/DC was good, I really wanted to understand why the Rolling Stones are considered Gods. I can't stand the whole late 60's/70's, Hendricks and all that. I will concede that there are a few good songs but on the whole I think the whole genre is shit. I don't know why honestly. I'm not saying that the big hair bands of the 80's were all that much better but I would rather listen to that than Classic Rock all day if I'm forced. I like Tom Petty but 80's Petty, not pre 80's. It's weird considering some of the music I listen to, you would just naturally assume I would like classic rock because a lot of what I listen to has it roots in classic rock, but alas, that is not the case.
Maybe it's because my parents never listened to it. My dad has all these old vinyls, like Hermans Hermits, Neil Diamond, The Monkee's, Dolly Parton, like a lot of 60's pop music and classic country, so we listened to that when I was a kid. So I grew up on old people music, old country and whatever happened to be on the radio. We had an 8 track player for YEARS, like my dads stereo was way older than me. I am positive my dad was the last person to own and finally get rid of an 8 track player in the whole Tri-State area. Lynard Skynard, The Who, The Doors, all those types, I can't get into them. Believe me I have tried because everyone tells me I'm missing out but personally I don't think so. I have an appreciation for people who can get into it but it's just not my thing.
It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school that I realized that there was a whole world of music out there that wasn't played on the radio. I loved My Life with the Thrill Kill Cult, Front 242, NIN's first album changed my life and opened my eyes to all that music could be and was to me. The Smiths, Joy Division, Built to Spill, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Pet Shop Boys, KMFDM, that was music that spoke to me and still does to this day. The heavy, deep, Goth beginning type music was what got me going followed later by industrial and leading to my love of techno/dance.
When I was pissed off I listened to KMFDM not AC/DC, when I was feeling mellow and wanted to think, I listened to The Cure, not the Doors. When I was depressed because that hot chick in chemistry barely realized I existed, I listened to Morrisey and the Pixies. When I needed to listen to a chick tell it like it was I listened to the Sugar Cubes, not Janis.
So, I'm not saying classic rock is shit, I'm just saying I had an alternative growing up. My parents weren't the kind to have the radio on often unless it was talk radio. We really only used the record player at Christmas to listen to all the Christmas albums we had. My family was more likely to have the TV on as background noise than the stereo. So I didn't grow up listening to all that classic rock stuff and the few songs I do like, I grew an appreciation for because my friends forced me to listen to them- repeatedly. There are a couple exceptions as there is to everything in life and Pink Floyd is mine.
I promise not to roll my eyes too much when you force me to listen to Highway to Hell for the gazillionth time as long as you let me toss in this really great mix cd I made of my current favorite Emo Boy Band I'm thinking is great, ok? I won't bitch about how high pitched guitars are overused and annoying in the 70's. But in return you can't go on about how Morrisey is a self pretenous prick, ok? I think I can get along with all you Classic Rock lovers out there as long as you don't keep telling me I'm a twat for not liking it and have no taste because in my world, oyu are really the one who is missing out on the beauty that is The Pixies and such.
I can't stand classic rock, there I said it. I tried to get into it, I tried to pretend that AC/DC was good, I really wanted to understand why the Rolling Stones are considered Gods. I can't stand the whole late 60's/70's, Hendricks and all that. I will concede that there are a few good songs but on the whole I think the whole genre is shit. I don't know why honestly. I'm not saying that the big hair bands of the 80's were all that much better but I would rather listen to that than Classic Rock all day if I'm forced. I like Tom Petty but 80's Petty, not pre 80's. It's weird considering some of the music I listen to, you would just naturally assume I would like classic rock because a lot of what I listen to has it roots in classic rock, but alas, that is not the case.
Maybe it's because my parents never listened to it. My dad has all these old vinyls, like Hermans Hermits, Neil Diamond, The Monkee's, Dolly Parton, like a lot of 60's pop music and classic country, so we listened to that when I was a kid. So I grew up on old people music, old country and whatever happened to be on the radio. We had an 8 track player for YEARS, like my dads stereo was way older than me. I am positive my dad was the last person to own and finally get rid of an 8 track player in the whole Tri-State area. Lynard Skynard, The Who, The Doors, all those types, I can't get into them. Believe me I have tried because everyone tells me I'm missing out but personally I don't think so. I have an appreciation for people who can get into it but it's just not my thing.
It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school that I realized that there was a whole world of music out there that wasn't played on the radio. I loved My Life with the Thrill Kill Cult, Front 242, NIN's first album changed my life and opened my eyes to all that music could be and was to me. The Smiths, Joy Division, Built to Spill, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Pet Shop Boys, KMFDM, that was music that spoke to me and still does to this day. The heavy, deep, Goth beginning type music was what got me going followed later by industrial and leading to my love of techno/dance.
When I was pissed off I listened to KMFDM not AC/DC, when I was feeling mellow and wanted to think, I listened to The Cure, not the Doors. When I was depressed because that hot chick in chemistry barely realized I existed, I listened to Morrisey and the Pixies. When I needed to listen to a chick tell it like it was I listened to the Sugar Cubes, not Janis.
So, I'm not saying classic rock is shit, I'm just saying I had an alternative growing up. My parents weren't the kind to have the radio on often unless it was talk radio. We really only used the record player at Christmas to listen to all the Christmas albums we had. My family was more likely to have the TV on as background noise than the stereo. So I didn't grow up listening to all that classic rock stuff and the few songs I do like, I grew an appreciation for because my friends forced me to listen to them- repeatedly. There are a couple exceptions as there is to everything in life and Pink Floyd is mine.
I promise not to roll my eyes too much when you force me to listen to Highway to Hell for the gazillionth time as long as you let me toss in this really great mix cd I made of my current favorite Emo Boy Band I'm thinking is great, ok? I won't bitch about how high pitched guitars are overused and annoying in the 70's. But in return you can't go on about how Morrisey is a self pretenous prick, ok? I think I can get along with all you Classic Rock lovers out there as long as you don't keep telling me I'm a twat for not liking it and have no taste because in my world, oyu are really the one who is missing out on the beauty that is The Pixies and such.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
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