Holiday Cookies and Cars

Oh Blogger, how I've missed you. I've been so busy lately, I find those days of marathon FFXII playing are few and very far between. School has kept me busy as has work. Also with the Holidays I find myself doing more and more family stuff. Well, really more stuff with my sister, which is always enjoyable but I just don't seem to have the time to fit it all in anymore. I do fit it in but my down time is severely lacking. If I'm not making a billion cookies, or babysitting the baby, I'm finishing up my Christmas shopping, or at least trying. Then I have to fit in work and school work, oh and I can't forget the household chores I have to do to keep up with this place. For one person I sure do make a mess. I'm gonna blame the cats for this one, I'm sure they are having crazy house parties while I'm gone. The idea of a social life is exhausting to me, being that I'm only running on 4 hours a night as is. This current trend has bent a few people out of shape but I just keep telling them and me, it will all be worth it one day. It will, right?

So that being said, or typed as the case may be, by the end of the night, when I finally get home around 10pm lately, I'm just a tad on the crabby side. So tonight I get home around 10pm and find that the neighbors on both sides of me have been slowly but surely inching their way into my parking space. We are suppose to have two parking spaces in front of our houses. Until recently I never had to test that theory because I've only had one car. I understand, not everyone is good at parallel parking. I'm not the best but many many nights spent in Chicago have helped me to become a fairly good one. Anywho, I get home tonight and find I can't fit my car into the little half a space my neighbors have left me. I had been parking the Stealth at my sisters until yesterday so tonight was the first night I had both cars here. I think I'm a fairly reasonable person. I don't tend to be overly pissy or bitchy. Some would even say I can be laid back and level headed. But there was no way I was going to be able to fit my BRAND NEW car in the space they left me. I didn't realize how far up I had to park the Stealth because the people to the left of me had been parking up close, so when the people on the right decided that it was okay to park two vans and leave a good 4 feet between them, taking up at least half of one of my spaces, I was perturbed to say the least, fucking pissed to say the most. Where is decency these days? I mean really, that would be like me putting my grill on their deck because I didn't have the room on mine. Why is their lack of parking skills suddenly my problem? It's not and I went over and told them. I would have been nicer if this was the first time I had to talk to them about parking but this is the third time. They have only been here for a month and already I don't think I like them much. There should be plenty of room for parking if people learned how to fucking park. I don't like having to inch my way in and out of my own space because they can't park and now I have this fear of having both my cars here because that gives them that much less room to park, meaning much more of a chance for them to hit my new car. Now that would send me over the edge. This is the first brand new, no one has ever owned but me car I've ever had. The thought of the parking challenged neighbors hitting it freaks me out. I don't get stressed too easily but that stress' me out. It's all shiny, new, clean smelling, I don't even smoke in it and if you know me, you know how much I smoke. I've already washed it 4 times and I've only had a week.

The people who lived here before me had spray painted lines on the sidewalk that showed their parking area. When I first saw that I thought they had to be completely anal and slightly nuts, but now I can appreciate the simplicity and logic in it. Maybe that makes me a tad anal but I don;t care, I pay my lot fee same as everyone else, so shouldn't I be able to have the same rights? I'm not asking for special rights just the same basic ones that my neighbors have and that's the piece of mind in knowing I can park both my cars in my parking spaces. Is that really asking too much?

School Daze

Here I go, after months of talking, debating, procrastinating, I start classes this Wednesday. It's funny how it all came about. As much as I talked about it, I never really did more than entertain the idea, then a friend of mine who's an admissions adviser at Kaplan called me. We talked and within a week I was enrolled, financed and a college student. People knock online schools but the truth of the matter is that they are the wave of the future. I'm getting my Bachelors of Science in Information Systems for networking with a minor in marketing, which is going to give me the needed skills and paper for the position I have been wanting since I started at my company. I want to be the person who looks at emerging trends in telecommunications and implements them for our customers. Or to put it another way, I want to pick out the phones we put into testing.

I have four long years ahead of my but as Lucky and I discussed this past weekend, it's gonna be so worth it when it's over. The job I want is in Madison so that ties in nicely with our 5 year plan. We spent a lot of the weekend cleaning out the house and I have a fresh start, it feels great. Things are finally falling into place, so much so that I'm almost afraid to post this because I don't want to jinx it.

The Dawn of Something

A couple weeks ago my company sent me to a training on how to use a planner. I even got a really nice Franklin Covey day planner out of it. I used it to schedule no more than 65% of my day (like the training taught me) and every night I would write out my goals for the next day, my appointments, my to do list. Funny thing, it didn't work because I never actually looked at it during the day. That kind of sums me up perfectly, just because I have the tools doesn't mean I'm gonna actually use them. Just having a number in my phone doesn't mean I'm gonna call it. Meaning, I'm pretty bad at follow through, which is nothing new but I realize that I have been living in this self denial about the depth of my shortcomings. Luckily I have people all to ready to point them out to me.

Basically I've been trying to follow through better, starting with the little day planner I have and this goal setting thing I have to do once a month for work. My company is very big on personal improvement and employee training. I'm really lucky to be working for a company that spends money on employees to learn how to use a day planner in this day and age of downsizing and budget cuts. If they are willing to put the money into me the least I can do is follow through on it.

I've taken a step back from a lot of people and things to concentrate on myself. I can't look for happiness outside of myself anymore because thats not true happiness I'm finding. It's only the temporary, dull the boredom kind. Only until I can learn to be comfortable being myself and with myself will I be able to be a good friend to others. I just need to take a step back and re evaluate my priorities. It's time to stop talking about it and just actually do it.

Back with something to say

Sometimes I have moments to real to blog about because to blog about them makes them too real. If that makes any sense. I'm single by choice, I only say that because it's not like I'm single because no one loves me, I get it. I get the fact I push away the ones that get to close no matter how much I say I don't. I get the fact that for some reason the most amazing person wants to be amazing with me and I don't because I got burned recently. I'm happy for the most part, I have my moments when I'm all poor me and I'm so lonely but the thing is I'm only alone because I've have choose this. I'm refusing to settle or what feels like settling to me. The Woman completed me on a level but ultimately let me down by not understanding me and the things going on in my life. I out her first only to have her go on an on about guys, that hurt and when I gave it my all I was hurt and then when I didn't give it my all anymore I was rejected. Everyone wants to feel like they matter, like they are worth fighting for. I gave my all, I was willing and did fight for her only to be told I was being too much, so I backed off only to hear about these other guys she had a connection with, all these people that were not me.
Then I have a family crisis and I'm tossed out like garbage, like I never brought her food when she needed it or never her shit whens he was sick or never bought her phone cards so she could text everyone but me. I feel like I never mattered and I gave her everything to feel like she mattered until she pushed me away and then it was her turn but she didn't get that or feel like she had to let me know I mattered. Whats a girl to do?

I tried to tell Lucky she was just a friend. I ignored the chemistry because even though I knew there was something there it didn't feel as real as what I felt with The Woman. The weekend we spent together changed my mind but I gave excuses saying I was just trying to feel like I mattered to someone because The woman made me feel like I didn't matter at all. I finally had to drop the excuses and face the truth, I don't trust woman easily. It was easier to want to be with someone who blew me off then to be with someone who only wanted to see me happy. Why? Because I was use to being second best in someone's life because I had convinced myself that I could never make anyone happy or that happiness was only temporary. It was easier to deal with something that was doomed from the beginning then to deal with something that could actually be good. I'm not use to good, but doomed is familiar territory. Truth be told I could have fallen in love with Lucky and that scared the shit out of me because I wasn't used to be being with someone who had their shit together. Someone who didn't need me for anything, I felt useless with her. Funny considering I ended up feeling worthless and useless with the woman. Funny how life is like that.

We've Been Had

Everyday we are inundated with images, songs, movies, TV Shows and every other form of media imaginable that sells the idea of love. We've grown up with this completely unattainable idea of what love is. It started from the happily ever after storybooks and Disney movies, continued through the movies Say Anything and most of the John Hughes oeuvre. We are all awash in sappy love songs that speak of emotions so intense that we all have been brainwashed to believe that is what true love feels like. Or rather, should feel like. Chick flicks are really only created to feed into this common misconception so much so that no one will ever be able to live up to the idea of what we have love should be.

We think that love should, and can, conquer all, that it can move mountains and heal deep seeded issues. We have been lead to believe that if you just love enough all will work out and there will be a happily ever after. With expectations that high how anyone does find love amazes me. Perhaps, deep down, we all feel like we are just settling and are never truly satisfied. So we are doomed to be forever searching for our Lloyd Dobler, Seth (Nick Cages Angel in City of Angels who gave up eternity to be with a mortal woman he had only seen but never talked to), Westley (or the Dread Pirate Roberts), Idgie Threadgood or any other impossibly romantic hero type that does anything and everything to be with the one they love.

Most girls grow up wanting to be that object of affection, so you can imagine how that tends to make for an interesting dynamic when you're a girl who dates other girls. For me it's like part of me wants to be the hero and the other part thinks it would be really cool if for once I didn't have to buy the flowers. But I'm getting slightly off track here. The point is, I don't think love like that can exist. Everyoen wants to feel special, like no one else has ever felt the way we do about someone but the truth of the matter is, love is pretty common, there are many degrees of love but I don't think earth shattering, mountain moving, eternity giving up love exists. If it did, all these crazy chick flicks wouldn't be making millions at the box office, sappy love songs wouldn't be played so much on the radio and crappy romance novels wouldn't be out selling most other types of books. We would all be too busy experiencing it.

I do believe in love but I think it's more sedate. Of course you get that rush at first but after the spark of infatuation is gone, love is what's left if you are still together. It's the comfort in the silences that you don't feel the need to fill, it's looking at that person and knowing that they want to be there with you. With infatuation you can't wait to have sex on every surface in your house. With love, I think it's more, you can't wait to get new furniture together. Infatuation can be mistaken for love because it is an intense feeling but it shouldn't be the stuff that long term potential is measured against. Being able to be with someone and completely comfortable is real love, not whether or not that person would give up eternal life to be with you.

I think we all just need to re-evaluate our concept of what love is because if you can find someone who will put up with all your quirks and you are willing to do the same, if you both are considerate and repectful of each other, isn't that really worth hanging on to? It might not eb the stuff of Hollywood movies but really what is?

Stand for Something

I was going to write this long ass rant about how we need to find alternatives to oil that don't cause carbons to continue to pollute the Earth furthering the global warming epidemic. I was but then I realized that far more talented and knowledgable people than I am have tackled the topic, seriously, google it, there's a lot of info out there. Then I was like, ok I'll get on my high horse about why people need to vote, even in Midterm elections, especially these current midterm elections. But I realized that again far more knowledgable people have blogged that to death as well. It's just, I'm more than relationship issues and work. My blog has become this huge dumping ground for all my girl issues and I'm not sure that makes for interesting reading. I have a wide variety of interests, like Roman History, I am so in love with Roman History, like not just the major stuff but the little every day to day things that your typical Roman went through. If there was ever a time in history to live it would have been during the hayday of the Romans. If you were a citizen there was no better place to be. They had huge parties that turned inot orgies, homosexuality was just a given, bathing was encouraged and just about every base whim, want or desire was catered to and encouraged.

I was thinking about how incredibly stupid it is that I can't marry a woman if I wanted to, why not? Why when the debate comes up someone always has to bring up marrying animals?? How is that a logical jump? Well if we let Betty and Wilma get married we're gonna have to let Fred and Dino the Dinodog get married?? HUH??? How fucked up must a mind be to equate marrying someone of the same species and gender with marrying outside of the species? Thats like 3 year old logic, actually,I know 3 year olds that more logical than that.

There's just too many issues these days and I feel like I should be doing more to make the world a better place, or at least livable still long after I'm gone.

Stokley, DJ Superstar

BMP Mag is having a contest to find a hot new DJ. I've been working on my submission for a week now, I think I have it down pretty tight, at least I hope I do. It has to be 30 mins long, give or take a minute or two. I'll post it here when I'm happy with it. The grand prize is a trip to LA to spin at some of the hottest clubs and a the cover of BPM. I'm not a covergirl, but they can do amazing stuff with lighting. I know I'm good, so now it's time to let everyone outside of my area know it as well.

One Simple Truth

I can't do perfect. I can't pretend to be perfect, I can't be with someone who is perfect. I need someone with flaws to compliment my many flaws. Perfect scares me because no one is perfect but there are a few people in this world who seem to be. I like things to be a little messy and complicated. I must because if it's too easy I make it harder than it has to be.

I've been kinda of caught between two women lately. But not really because only one has my heart and the other shows me the attention I need. They couldn't be more completely different from each other than day and night.

Lucky says everything I want to hear and actually pays attention to me. But The Woman, when she's here, she's really here, it's just that lately it has been harder and harder to picture that future with her because she already has a future with someone else so really I shouldn't be confused right? But I am. I know she loves me but sometimes I wish it wasn't just words anymore. Lucky shows me she cares, we've never said we loved each other because I don't love her. We connect on this great level but it's like hanging out with a great friend, not someone I want to spend my life with. My friends adore Lucky and I can't even mention The Woman to them because she gets upset. They are all telling me I'm the biggest ass for not being with Lucky but you can't force feelings that aren't there. She asked me last night if The Woman wasn't in the picture if they would be there and I can't answer that because I want The Woman in my life. When I had The Woman's attention I felt like everything was right in the world and that nothing couldn't be handled. I thought, naively, that we were strong enough to overcome anything that life would throw at us. It was like everything clicked into place, like this missing piece I didn't know was missing had been filled in with her. I liked it, I thrived on it, I wanted to be better and do better for her. I wanted her to feel appreciated, loved, needed and wanted. And then nothing. She just shut me out and pushed me away. She already had a future planned before me and I wasn't enough for her to deviate from that future. It's like a physical ache and thats so weird, I'm not the type to get all hung up on a girl who has shown me time and time again I'm not the one she wants. Then there's those times when she does tell me she loves me and for that moment all is right but those moments are few and far between lately, it's heartbreaking. I back off and try not to push because this is something she has to figure out but I wish she would at least let me in as a friend, so I don't feel like I have done something wrong constantly.

With Lucky it's completely different. She never pushes me away and calls me out when she sees me pushing her away. We can talk for hours and laugh for hours more. But I can't get that feeling I get when I think about The Woman. Lucky is perfect and that freaks me out. She has her shit together,knows exactly what she wants and does what she needs to do to get it. She's finishign her PhD and interning at a rehab hospital, yet still finds time to hang out with me, 2 hours away. She does these little things just to make me feel special. Just to let me know that even though she's crazy busy, she's taking a few minutes out of her hectic life to think about me and let me know. She's doing everything I wish The Woman would do. It's not fair to her that I'm wishing these things were said or done by someone else. Lucky sees something in me I don't see. I have a pretty high opinion of myself but I also know that her and I are completely in different worlds. She's like a fine wine and I'm like a Miller Lite. The Woman and I do have a lot more in common, and I feel more myself around The Woman.

It's like the people that you want, don't want you and the people that you don't want do want you and when you finally want the people that you didn't want they don't want you anymore. But I'm just stuck, I can't move on because I refuse to because I refuse to give up on The Woman but at some point something has to happen, right?

Should Old Friends Be Forgotten

You know that little voice in your head that tells you that maybe you shouldn't be doing something? Not the kind that tells you to slash the tires of that guy who just stole your girl, that's a different voice. Hmm but I swear I don't have like a lot of voices in my head, just the two, the one that tells me maybe what I'm doing isn't the brightest idea I've had all week and the other one that tells me to ignore the first one because it never wants to have any fun. I find I tend to listen to the wrong one consistently. I have made an art out of ignoring that little voice. As I get older though I find I'm listening to it more than I use to but still not at the times it really matters.

In the last year and few months I have lost to people very close to me. First my cousin, B and then less than a year after my world turned inside out with the loss of B, his best friend and a guy who was like a big brother to me, A, died. The three of us had created our own little family years ago, me and my boys. We were like brothers and sister. Those two looked out for me as much as I looked out for them. They were both so alike but yet so different. They had their own way of going about things, I have started calling the little voice that tells me not to do something incredibly dumb, B and the one that tells me to just do it anyways because it will be fun A. If you knew them, you would realize how fitting this truly is. But I digress, I was blogging about ignoring that little voice B and the consequences of doing so.

Tonight after work I was dead tired, I just wanted to go home and relax for once because I have the next two days off. Needing a few things I decided to make a quick run to Target, because in the new found spirit of redoing my house and cleaning it out, I'm finding I need to buy a few thing in which to fill it, ironic isn't it? I have justified these purchases to myself by saying I am getting rid of all the worn out and old things. I decided I needed, not wanted, but needed new bathroom rugs. Off to Target I went. While browsing through the kitchenware's (I apparently need new cookie sheets and Corningware pans as well) I ran into an old friend, Dixie, I haven't seen in a couple years. I'm calling her Dixie because it makes me laugh because she acts like she grew up on some grand southern plantation, complete with slight accent, when in reality she grew up in Northern Illinois. (OK, full disclosure, she's an ex). It's always odd to run into someone who once shared so much with you, that you knew each other like the back of your hand only to find a few years later you're complete strangers. We got to chatting, at first is was a weird hey, hi, how have you been kind of conversation. It was a little sad to think that this person who you once cared so much about has become just back story to your life, the feelings have faded and they cease to cause that intense feeling of excitement you use to get when you use to see them daily. Our break up was less than nice, she dumped me for a cop she had met one night while we were out at the gay bar. Like on the spot dumped me. We didn't talk for a few months after that but being the good lesbian I am we became friends about a year later but had lost touch a few years ago. She had fallen victim to the coupledom syndrome, lesbians are especially prone to this disease, though the gay boys seem almost immune to it. ( For those not in the know, coupledom syndrome is when your friend finally gets a girlfriend/boyfriend/ high speed internet service and disappears off the face of the Earth only resurfacing for extremely important events like gay pride. If the significant other isn't glued to them when they do make that rare appearance, they will constantly talk about them. In severe cases they stop talking about themselves in the singular and everything becomes us and we. Near fatal cases involve matching outfits.)

Long story short, Dixie and the cop chick had been together for almost 5 years, then the cop chick dumped her about 6 months ago. She invited me out to this little dive bar. The little voice in my head was saying it was bad, bad idea. I ignored it and found myself saying, sure. 30 minutes later we were at this little corner bar, drinking Rolling Rocks and playing pool. She started on what would be a 2 hour tirade about every little slight and slander her ex caused her, real and imagined. I listened and felt my eyes glazing over. If it had been interesting I would have been much more interested but her shopping list of wrongs included such things as buying yellow roses instead of red on her birthday, leaving her clothes in the dryer, not walking the dog enough, just a bunch of little mundane so what kind of things. To Dixie they weren't little things but about halfway through her tirade I remembered why I had lost touch with her. She's pretty high maintenance and a bit, um, demanding. Not in the good kind of demanding that can be hot sometimes but the whiny, it's all about me, I'm a princess and you better treat me as such kind.

Now, remember I live in the Midwest and we were not at a gay bar, but at some dingy neighborhood bar, crowded with regulars, mostly old guys, guys on their way to being old guys and skanky barfly women. Most of whom had been listening to Dixie's rant on her girlfriend to the point where even the old guy who's butt print was permanently worn into the stool at the end of the bar and hadn't been sober since the 80's got the hint that we were gay. Not that I'm not obvious anyways. After a couple beers and a few games of pool this old guy comes up to us and starts chatting us up. He offers to buy us a shot if we kiss. I try to laugh it off but Dixie grabs me and lays one on me. I had forgotten that she was quite the drinker and would do almost anything for free drinks and attention. A few guys laugh, the old guy buys us a shot and that should have been the end of it. Dixie is talking to the old guy and a couple if his friends. I guess one of the bar skanks had claimed him because she pipes up with how disgusting we are. Dixie is not having it. I guess I also forgot to mention that Dixie has quite the temper on her when she drinks. I had forgotten that little point as well, but not the little voice in my head. B had tried to warn me.

Dixie yells at her, "No you're disgusting." Such a clever reply. Bar Skank then says something about Dixie not being able to get a man and then Dixie goes over by Bar Skank and starts yelling and Bar Skank is yelling and the bartender is yelling and chaos is ensuing, and I'm just drinking my beer. All the memories of spending many such nights with Dixie come flooding back. Ah, yes, this is why it was a bad idea to go out drinking with Dixie. She's highly irritable when she's been drinking. After about 5 minutes of yelling 3rd grade insults back and forth at each other, the bartender has decided we are troublemakers and kicks us out. I try to pull Dixie towards the door but this little fireball isn't finished yet, as a parting shot she pushes Bar Skank into the bar. Nice one. I can tell we are about to be physically removed if we don't leave, so I start pulling at Dixie with a bit more urgency, well that turned out to be the wrong thing to do, she turns around and punches me right in the chest. Ouch. I yell at her, you just punched me, you ass! Yeah, call me Captain Obvious. Now the bartender is saying she's calling the cops. Punching me must have shocked a bit of sense into Dixie because she starts apologizing to me. I'm just wanting to get the hell out of there and as far away from this psycho as possible. I tell her, it's ok, no worries, lets just get the hell out of there. I finally got her out of the bar and because I'm a glutton for punishment offered to give her a ride home as she is way to drunk to drive. She's still telling me how sorry she is. It took a few minutes but I finally convinced her to let me drive her home. Thankfully nothing happened on the way home, just her saying over and over how sorry she was. I dropped her off and breathed a sigh of relief that I was finally rid of her.

Now I am safely at home, admiring my new bathroom rugs and the bruise I'm going to have to match them in the morning. I really need to listen to that little voice more often.

Tick Tick Tick

For a couple years I have been really thinking I wanted a baby, but then I'm like, I can barely handle the two cats I have. The feel has come and gone. I'm quite logical about it, knowing that being a female I'm biologically wired to have the urge to procreate. Regardless of my sexuality, my choice of guys clothes over girls clothes, the fact I feel more comfortable playing video games than shopping (unless it's for a new gadget or electronic) despite all that I'm still cursed with really girlie feelings when it comes to babies. I'm the proudest aunt you'll find, I carry multiple pics of my sisters kids around in my duct tape wallet. I brag about every new little thing my newest niece does, from her first steps a couple weeks ago to her first birthday party next month. Sometimes when I'm babysitting her I wonder about what it would be like to have my own little one, it seems kinda cool. Then she starts crying or has a really rank diaper and I'm so glad I can give her back to my sleep deprieved sister and go about my merry way. I'm sure it would be different if it was my own child but the thing is I don't want to be pregnant. Just the thought freaks me out. It would just be so much easier if I could buy a baby on Ebay. Wouldn't that be cool?

I know some people out there are gonna think this is a horrble idea, that babies shouldn't be sold and all that. Some would argue that there is too much of a chance for women to be used as baby mills, like puppy mills but really aren't sperm banks, egg donation and the like just legal forms of babies mills? To be sure there are many flaws to my plan but I don't think I'm really serious, much. Or maybe instead of just sending less than it costs for a cup of coffee a day to "adopt" some 3rd world child who is forced to work at the age of 6 in brutal conditions, you could really adopt that child directly and they show up on your doorstep like a mail order bride. Russia is big on the mail order brides and also "overseas adoptions" which I guess, come to think of it, is like a mail order baby, except you need to go there to pick the little tyke up to show you're really serious. Oh and grease a lot of political Russian palms.

But really, I have no clue what I'm talking about. I've been thinking about getting a dog for a coupel months. I've been doing research on the perfect type to fit my life style, if I should get a puppy or an older one, which rescue or pound to get it from. I have to be sure i get the right one because it's theoretically gonna be around for at least 10 years. Babies grow up to become kids that become teenagers that become overgrown children who stick around for at least 20 years these days. And what would I do with a baby while I'm at work? I think it's frowned upon leaving them in a crate all day until they're potty trained, or can at least change their own diaper. So unless I get with a really amazing woman who is willing to pop out a baby for us to love and care for together or better yet already has one housebroken, I'm pretty sure I'm doomed to a life of cats. Damn this biological clock telling me different.